Cathy's Valentine

Bill, Cathy's Father:
[last lines; on Cathy's answering machine] Hi, honey, it's Dad. Just wanted to let you know Mom's on her way over to apologize for butting in. I know how you feel about surprises.

Cathy Andrews:
[voiceover] Of the $3 billion that will be spent on Valentine's week, $2 billion of it will be spent by me, trying to make sure I'm appealing enough to receive a $.95 greeting card.

Cathy Andrews:
[voiceover] Of all the valentine chocolates that will be eaten this year, 36% will be eaten by women who buy it for ourselves before Valentine's Day even gets here.

Irving:
Everyone knows the first rule of being a valentine is compromise. You can open one of your stupid magazines. [he and Cathy disappear behind her counter, smooching]

Cathy Andrews:
[tossing one of her magazines on the counter top] I already did.

Cathy Andrews:
[peeking out from behind a snowman] Yoo-hoo! Handsome!

Irving:
I see you've been to the therapist again, Cathy.

Cathy Andrews:
Wanna help me unthaw?

Irving:
[as he approaches Cathy's house with his valentine gift for her; to himself] Cathy, I'm sorry - no, no, no, no. Happy Valentine's, my darling - nah, nah, that's ridiculous, no, no... [rings Cathy's doorbell] Cathy, you look so beautiful today, you're... [he opens the door to reveal that Cathy is not yet dressed, much to his surprise] You're not even dressed yet; we're gonna be late!

Cathy Andrews:
I've been dressed eleven times already; it's not my fault you got here in between outfits!

Irving:
Well, hurry up; we're gonna have to take your car, I'm out of gas.

Cathy Andrews:
Again? Will you see if my keys are out there somewhere?

Irving:
What? Aw, don't tell me we have to start the key search again!

Cathy Andrews:
Irving, if you'd be willing to commit to more than two gallons of gas at a time, we wouldn't *have* to search for my keys all the time.

Irving:
If you put your keys on the counter like a *normal* person, I wouldn't have to stock up on gas every time I saw ya!

Cathy Andrews:
Irving, call a cab!

Irving:
[bringing out a handful of cords for Cathy's stereo] Surprise!

Cathy Andrews:
[slightly disappointed] Oh.

Irving:
[chuckles, then begins hooking up the cords] I've figured out how to wire this right to your cable!

Cathy Andrews:
Irving, I thought - you know, you wanted to do something romantic.

Irving:
Are you kidding? Look at this: I've got splinters, cable links...

Cathy Andrews:
[flirtatiously] You know, curl up on the couch, and...

Irving:
Needlenose pliers!

Cathy Andrews:
[getting irritated] Irving? Romantic?

Irving:
What do you call this?

Cathy Andrews:
[scoffs exasperatingly] I want a kiss, not digitized sound.

Irving:
[also scoffing] Why is it that things have to go ex-actly by the rules of your - stupid "Romance of the Month" books, so they don't count, huh?

Cathy Andrews:
Why are *you* so afraid of involvement you hide behind stuff all the time?

Irving:
[holding up the cords] I got this *stuff* for you!

Cathy Andrews:
Gizmos, newspapers, remote controls, how am I supposed to get close to you, huh?

Irving:
Close? Who's the one who locks herself in the bathroom in the middle of a date to study magazine articles?

Cathy Andrews:
I'm researching how to hold a man's hand when it's always full of *stuff*!

Irving:
Yet, you don't even want to deal with the real person.

Cathy Andrews:
Real men don't think cable splinters are romantic gifts!

Irving:
Just - just forget it, Cathy, okay? I'm sick of being the perfect guy just to get yelled at! [heads for the door]

Cathy Andrews:
Take your needlenose pliers with you!

Irving:
[putting his jacket on] Fine! And we're not coming back!

Cathy Andrews:
[as Irving closes the door] Fine!

Cathy Andrews:
[almost reentering] Except we have to go to Ross's wedding on Valentine's Day! We have a commitment!

Cathy Andrews:
Fine! [Irving leaves]

Anne, Cathy's Mother:
[on the phone] Hi, sweetie! Happy Valentine's Day!

Cathy Andrews:
Thanks, Mom; you, too.

Anne, Cathy's Mother:
Dad thought you'd like to join us for dinner.

Cathy Andrews:
Tell Dad I have plans for Valentine's Day.

Anne, Cathy's Mother:
She has plans.

Bill, Cathy's Father:
Mom wonders if your plans are to see the psychiatrist.

Cathy Andrews:
Irving's taking me to a wedding. Everything's fine; we're going to a happy, romantic, wonderful wedding together.

Bill, Cathy's Father:
She'll be seeing the psychiatrist.

Irving:
[in the cab on the way to Ross and Lisa's wedding] Sorry.

Cathy Andrews:
Me, too.

Irving:
[sarcastically] You have to pay for the cab; I didn't bring any cash.

Cathy Andrews:
I didn't bring any cash, either.

Irving:
What do you mean you didn't bring any cash? You have a ten pound purse with you.

Cathy Andrews:
This is a dainty evening bag; cash would make the size bulge out.

Irving:
What are you hauling to a wedding that might be more useful than a ten dollar bill?

Cathy Andrews:
You have fifteen pockets in your clothes; you don't have room for money?

Irving:
[sarcastically handing Cathy's valentine gift to her] I spent all my cash on your valentine, darling.

Cathy Andrews:
[sarcastically handing Irving's valentine gift to him] I spent six hours rewrapping your valentine, dearest, and I'm not accepting one in a store bag that you just grabbed on the way over.

Irving:
WHAT? Does it give rules in your stupid books for how a gift has to be wrapped, or it doesn't count, too?

Cathy Andrews:
You're supposed to at least take off the price tag!

Irving:
Ha!

Cathy Andrews:
Ha!

Cab Driver:
Uh, that'll be $4.85.

Irving, Cathy Andrews:
HA!

Anne, Cathy's Mother:
[entering Cathy's house with groceries] Call the FBI, dear, her brain's been stolen.

Cathy Andrews:
Mom! Dad, I thought we agreed on no more surprise visits.

Anne, Cathy's Mother:
I know, sweetie, but it's so hard to pass up a chance to be mortifying.

Bill, Cathy's Father:
It was your mother's idea. She thought you might be out of ammonia.

Anne, Cathy's Mother:
[handing a tissue to Cathy so she can blot her lipstick] Blot. Your father thought you'd be running low on light bulbs.

Bill, Cathy's Father:
Mom is concerned about the toilet paper situation.

Mr. Pinley:
[to Cathy] You haven't been this productive since your New Year's Eve fight of 1986!

Cathy Andrews:
[voiceover narration] This year's going to be different. For the first time in my life, I'm going into Valentine's Day knowing I have a boyfriend; someone to love, right by my side. This Valentine's Day is *really* going to be different.