This Is Spinal Tap

Lt. Hookstratten:
This is our monthly "At Ease" weekend. It gives us a chance to let our hair down, although I see you've got a head start in that department. I shouldn't talk, though, I'm getting a little shaggy myself. I'd better not stand too close to you, people might think I'm part of the band. I'm joking, of course.

Marty DiBergi:
David St. Hubbins... I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name.

David St. Hubbins:
It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's not a very well known saint.

Marty DiBergi:
Oh, there actually is, uh... there was a Saint Hubbins?

David St. Hubbins:
That's right, yes.

Marty DiBergi:
What was he the saint of?

David St. Hubbins:
He was the patron saint of quality footwear.

Nigel Tufnel:
Well, I suppose I could work in a shop of some kind or... or do um... freelance... selling of some sort of... um... product, you know...

Marty DiBergi:
A salesman, you think you...

Nigel Tufnel:
A salesman, like, mabye in a haberdasher, or maybe like a... um, a chapeau shop, or something... you know, like: "Would you... what size do you wear, sir?" and then you answer me.

Marty DiBergi:
Uh... seven and a quarter.

Nigel Tufnel:
"I think we have that...", you see, something like that I could do.

Marty DiBergi:
Yeah... you think you'd be happy doing something like-...

Nigel Tufnel:
"No! We're all out, do you wear black?", see, that sort of thing, I think I could probably muster up.

Marty DiBergi:
Yeah, do you think you'd be happy doing that?

Nigel Tufnel:
Well, I don't know, wh-wh-what are the hours?

Ian Faith:
Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.

Marty DiBergi:
It's very pretty.

Nigel Tufnel:
Yeah, I've been fooling around with it for a few months.

Marty DiBergi:
It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play.

Nigel Tufnel:
It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why.

Marty DiBergi:
It's very nice.

Nigel Tufnel:
You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...

Marty DiBergi:
What do you call this?

Nigel Tufnel:
Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".

Artie Fufkin:
You know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me?

David St. Hubbins:
What?

Artie Fufkin:
Do me a favor. Just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that's all. Kick my ass. Enjoy. Come on. I'm not asking, I'm telling with this. Kick my ass.

Nigel Tufnel:
In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing...

Lt. Hookstratten:
May I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here. We are such fans of your music and all of your records. I'm not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll.

David St. Hubbins:
Well, I don't really think that the end can be assessed as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how - what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question to you.

Derek Smalls:
We're lucky.

David St. Hubbins:
Yeah.

Derek Smalls:
I mean, people should be envying us, you know.

David St. Hubbins:
I envy us.

Derek Smalls:
Yeah.

David St. Hubbins:
I do.

Derek Smalls:
Me too.

David St. Hubbins:
Here lies David St. Hubbins... and why not?

Mick Shrimpton:
As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll.

Marty DiBergi:
"This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question, 'What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn't he have rested on that day too?'"

David St. Hubbins:
I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.

Ian Faith:
I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.

Derek Smalls:
Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.

David St. Hubbins:
We say, "Love your brother." We don't say it really, but...

Nigel Tufnel:
We don't literally say it.

David St. Hubbins:
No, we don't say it.

Nigel Tufnel:
We don't really, actually mean it.

David St. Hubbins:
No, we don't believe it either, but...

Nigel Tufnel:
But we're not racists.

David St. Hubbins:
But that message should be clear.

Nigel Tufnel:
You can't really dust for vomit.

David St. Hubbins:
It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever.

David St. Hubbins:
Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation.

David St. Hubbins:
Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.

Nigel Tufnel:
It's like, how much more black could this be? and the answer is none. None more black.

David St. Hubbins:
They were still booing him when we came on stage.

Jeanine Pettibone:
You don't do heavy metal in Dubly, you know.

Nigel Tufnel:
The sustain, listen to it.

Marty DiBergi:
I don't hear anything.

Nigel Tufnel:
Well you would though, if it were playing.

Airport Security Officer:
Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?

Derek Smalls:
Er, not really.

Nigel Tufnel:
You like this?

Marty DiBergi:
It's very nice. It looks like hollow wood.

Nigel Tufnel:
This is my exact inner structure, done in a tee shirt. Exactly medically accurate. See?

Marty DiBergi:
So in other words if we were to take all your flesh and blood...

Nigel Tufnel:
Take them off. This is what you'd see.

Marty DiBergi:
It wouldn't be green though.

Nigel Tufnel:
It is green. You see how your blood looks blue.

Marty DiBergi:
Yeah, well that's just the vein. That's the color of the vein. The blood is actually red.

Nigel Tufnel:
Oh then, maybe it's not green. Anyway this is what I sleep in sometimes.

Marty DiBergi:
The review for "Shark Sandwich" was merely a two word review which simply read "Sh*t Sandwich".

Derek Smalls:
We're very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they're like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They're two distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.

Marty DiBergi:
"This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."

Nigel Tufnel:
That's just nitpicking, isn't it?

David St. Hubbins:
Can you play a bass line like Nigel used to on "Big Bottom"? Can you double that? You might recall the line's in fifths.

Viv Savage:
Oh yeah, I've got two hands here.

David St. Hubbins:
He died in a bizarre gardening accident...

Nigel Tufnel:
Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.

Marty DiBergi:
Do you feel that playing rock 'n' roll music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?

Derek Smalls:
No. No. No. I feel it's like, it's more like going, going to a, a national park or something. And there's, you know, they preserve the moose. And that's, that's my childhood up there on stage. That moose, you know.

Marty DiBergi:
So when you're playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage?

Derek Smalls:
Yeah.

Nigel Tufnel:
We've got Armadillos in our trousers. It's really quite frightening.

Marty DiBergi:
Hello. My name is Marty DeBergi. I'm a film maker. I make a lot of commercials. That little dog that chases the covered wagon underneath the sink? That was mine. In 1966, I went down to Greenwich Village, New York City to a rock club called the Electric Banana. Don't look for it, it's not there anymore. But that night I heard a band that for me redefined the word "rock and roll". I remember being knocked out by their, their exuberance, their raw power - and their punctuality. That band was Britain's now-legendary Spinal Tap. Seventeen years and fifteen albums later, Spinal Tap is still going strong, and they've earned a distinguished place in rock history as one of England's loudest bands. So in the late fall of 1982 when I heard that Tap was releasing a new album called 'Smell the Glove', and was planning their first tour of the United States in almost 6 years to promote that album, well needless to say I jumped at the chance to make the documentary, the, if you will, "rockumentary" that you're about to see. I wanted to capture the, the sights, the sounds, the smells, of a hard-working rock band on the road. And I got that. But I got more, a lot more. But hey - enough of my yakkin'. Whaddaya say, let's boogie!

Bobbi Flekman:
Money talks, and bullshit walks.

Ian Faith:
Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches. Now, whether or not he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.

David St. Hubbins:
But you're not as confused as him are you. I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel.

Ian Faith:
The Boston gig has been cancelled...

David St. Hubbins:
What?

Ian Faith:
Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town.

David St. Hubbins:
We are Spinal Tap from the UK - you must be the USA!

Viv Savage:
Quite exciting, this computer magic!

Derek Smalls:
Remember at Luton Palace we were talking about writing a rock musical based on the life of Jack the Ripper.

David St. Hubbins:
Yeah!

David St. Hubbins:
You're a naughty one...

Derek Smalls:

David St. Hubbins:
You're a haughty one, saucy Jack.

Ian Faith:
I've got a small bit of bad news.

Derek Smalls:
Makes a change doesn't it.

Ian Faith:
We've been cancelled here.

David St. Hubbins:
At the hotel?

Ian Faith:
No. The gig is cancelled.

Derek Smalls:
Can I ask a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow night?

David St. Hubbins:
No of course we're not going to do f***ing Stonehenge tomorrow night!

Derek Smalls:
That's not to say I haven't had my visionary moments. I've taken acid seventy... five, seventy-six times.

Marty DiBergi:
76?

Derek Smalls:
Yeah, so I've had my moments in the sky.

Marty DiBergi:
It's such an interesting concept, mixing mime and food.

Morty the Mime:
It's a kick isn't it? Well, I used to be an actor but I could never remember my lines, so I thought "just shut up", you know? Don't say nothing. And my father used to say the same thing to me every dinner time, he used to say to me "shut up and eat", so that's what we do and that's the name of the company "shut up and eat".

Morty the Mime:
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah. How come you got so much here?

Mime Waiter:
I don't know, they're not eating it.

Morty the Mime:
Did you do the wind?

Mime Waiter:
I did the wind, I did the wind.

Morty the Mime:
No, you don't push the wind away, the wind comes at you. Ok change those, get the little dwarf canolies. Come on, don't talk back, mime is money, come on, move it.

Ian Faith:
You know what f*** it I quit!

Derek Smalls:
So are we doin' Stonehenge tomarrow?

David St. Hubbins:
No we're not f***in' doin' Stonehenge!

Nigel Tufnel:
The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...

Marty DiBergi:
Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?

Nigel Tufnel:
Exactly.

Marty DiBergi:
Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?

Nigel Tufnel:
Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?

Marty DiBergi:
I don't know.

Nigel Tufnel:
Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?

Marty DiBergi:
Put it up to eleven.

Nigel Tufnel:
Eleven. Exactly. One louder.

Marty DiBergi:
Why don't you make ten a little louder, make that the top number and make that a little louder?

Nigel Tufnel:
[pauses] These go to eleven.

David St. Hubbins:
It's such a fine line between stupid, and uh...

Nigel Tufnel:
Clever.

David St. Hubbins:
Yeah, and clever.

[At Elvis Presley's grave]

Nigel Tufnel:
It really puts perspective on things though, doesn't it?

David St. Hubbins:
Too much. There's too much f***ing perspective now.

Marty DiBergi:
Do you have any sort of creed or philosophy that you live by?

Viv Savage:
Have... a good... time... all the time. That's my philosophy, Marty.

Marty DiBergi:
Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?

David St. Hubbins:
Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...

Nigel Tufnel:
...Festival.

David St. Hubbins:
Jazz blues festival. Where was that?

Nigel Tufnel:
Blues jazz, really.

Derek Smalls:
Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.

Nigel Tufnel:
It was in the Isle of, uh...

David St. Hubbins:
Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival.

Nigel Tufnel:
And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.

Derek Smalls:
Just like that.

David St. Hubbins:
He just went up.

Nigel Tufnel:
He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.

David St. Hubbins:
[about Marty] Look at his face.

Nigel Tufnel:
Well, there was...

David St. Hubbins:
It's true, this really did happen.

Nigel Tufnel:
It's true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.

David St. Hubbins:
Like a stain, really.

Nigel Tufnel:
It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.

David St. Hubbins:
You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.

Marty DiBergi:
Do you have any sort of creed or philosophy that you live by?

Mick Shrimpton:
I used to say "sex, drugs, and rock and roll." As long as there's sex and drugs, I can do without rock and roll.

Marty Dibergi:
[introducing the film] I wanted to capture the... the sights, the sounds... the smells of a hard-working rock band, on the road. And I got that; I got more... a lot more. But hey, enough of my yakkin'; whaddaya say? Let's boogie!

David St. Hubbins:
I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything.

Ian Faith:
Whenever a single bump or a ruffle comes into this little fantasy, adolescent fantasy world that you guys, you guys have built around yourselves, you start screaming like a bunch of pansy hairdressers.

Ian Faith:
For one thing that goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you know what I spend my time doing? I sleep two or three hours a night. There's no sex and drugs for Ian, David. Do you know what I do? I find lost luggage. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin. I prize the rent out of the local Hebrews. That's what I do.

Terry Ladd:
Yeah, listen, we'd love to stand around and chat, but we've gotta... sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo.