Conception

[first lines]

Paul Reynolds:
Okay people, let's remember what Aristotle said. The aim of art is to represent, not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance. Alright, does anybody have any questions?

[kids fidgeting, one raised hand]

Paul Reynolds:
Dylan?

Dylan:
Where do babies come from?

Brian:
Could you be nice to me?

Gloria:
I have got a needle in my ass right now.

Tracey:
Before you order that, I would like to point out that cows are slaughtered. They are shocked with electric prods and herded off to the killing floor. Then they're hoisted up by one leg and hung on a processing tine, and then their necks are slit open, cutting the jugular vein as they slowly bleed to death.

Rollerskating Carhop:
Hello... can I take your order?

Tracey:
If, if they happen to somehow miraculously cheat death, then the animals are fully conscience as they reach the scalding tank as they mow for mercy while they're being boiled alive. So - tell me - you want to change your order? [kisses his hand]

J.T.:
Definitely changing my order. [kisses her hand] Um, could you hold the mayo...

Will:
What is this?

Tiffany:
Uh, a video camera.

Will:
VHS?

Tiffany:
You know what VHS is?

Will:
Yes, I once heard my forefathers speak of such a device.

Brad:
Okay, top or bottom...

Laurie:
[stares back]

Brad:
What? You wanna flip for it? Rock, paper, scissors?

Brian:
Hey, could you do me a favor? Could you never use the phrase "cervical mucous flow" around me again?

Tiffany:
I am pregnant! We are pregnant! Oh sh*t, how did this happen?

Will:
Maybe we should watch the tape and find out.

Interview Girl:
First the baby is in the mommy's belly. Then she has to go to the bathroom. She poops the baby out. And that's why they always stink.

Brad:
Lazy people are the most important people in the world.

Laurie:
Oh yeah?

Brad:
Yeah. Yeah, laziness breeds efficiency. It's because of the lazy people that we have remote control, automatic transmission, go-gurt. All the handiwork of the lazies.