Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules

Bill Walter:
Hey, no hard feelings, right?

Rodrick Heffley:
Hey, Bill, you know what? After tonight, you're out of the band!

Bill Walter:
What?

Rodrick Heffley:
That's rock and roll, bro.

Greg Heffley:
I was thinking I would write her a note.

Rodrick Heffley:
Like, one with words in it?

Holly Hills:
Excuse me.

Greg:
What?

Holly Hills:
I said, "Excuse me". You're blocking the exit.

Greg:
Oh, uh, [laughing] sorry.

Holly Hills:
That's okay.

Rodrick:
Hey, Greg. Can you break a leg or something so we can leave?

[Greg laughs and sighs. Rodrick realizes Greg is staring at Holly Hills]

Rodrick:
Oh. [laughs] That'll never happen. Not a chance. There's no way that girl will EVER talk to you.

Greg:
[notices that it is almost 10:00] I'm going in. [to Rowley] Cover me!

[Greg scooches toward Holly. Just then, the lights dim, and "Always" by Atlantic Starr begins playing]

Bill:
[over P.A.] All rockers and hardcore skaters off the rink, unless you're lookin' for love. It's time for Couples Skate!

Greg:
I'm making my move. [prepares to tap Holly on the shoulder]

Bill:
[over P.A.] STOP!!!! [The music stops. Greg turns around] Enough of that total lameness! Who's ready to ROCK?! Yeah! [plays the intro to "Cut Throat" by Kittie]

Rodrick:
[makes the "Double Horns" sign with both hands] Whoo!

[Greg stares at Rodrick in disbelief. Rodrick smiles evilly]

Holly:
Come on, let's get outta here. Come on. [she and her friends exit the rink]

[A crowd of violent teenagers enter the rink. They brutally bump into others knocking them over]

Rowley:
[panicking] What're we gonna do?!

Greg:
Stay calm. All we have to do is just stay here.

[Two teenagers grab Rowley and start dragging him along. Rowley screams]

Greg:
Rowley! Hang on!

Rowley:
[screaming] WHOOOOOOOA!!!

[Greg tries to rescue Rowley, but another teenager knocks him flat on his face. As Greg picks himself up, the sound of a record scratching is heard and the music comes to an abrupt stop]

Susan:
[over P.A.] GREG HEFFLEY!!! This is your mother. Everything is going to be okay. Stay where you are, and your father is going to come rescue you. I repeat, everything is going to be okay. Okay, here he comes. Here comes Frank. I see him. He's on his way. Okay.

[Dad struts out into the middle of the rink and picks Greg up, carrying him off]

Greg:
Dad!

Frank:
I know, I know.

[Holly's friends giggle, but Holly isn't amused]

Susan:
[over P.A.] Okay. Alright. Everyone, go back to skating!

[As Dad sets Greg back on his feet, everyone resumes skating]

Frank:
You all right?

Greg:
Yeah.

[Rodrick approaches]

Rodrick:
Hey, Romeo. How'd it go with the new girl?

Greg:
[grunts and lunges at Rodrick, screaming] WHOOOA!!!!

[Greg lands onto Taylor's birthday cake. Rodrick laughs. Greg picks himself up off the smashed cake, his face covered in frosting]

Taylor:
[lividly; to Greg] You ruined my birthday, you...JERK!!!!

Greg:
It's unbelievable. Even at school, Rodrick is ruining my life.

Rowley:
Shh. [whispers, pointing to Rodrick who is sleeping on the couch] He might hear you.

Greg:
Nah! Watch.

[Greg drums loudly on Manny's toy drum in Rodrick's face. He remains asleep]

Rowley:
Holy cow!

Greg:
He once slept through an entire day.

Rowley:
Hey Greg, maybe we should-

Rodrick:
CAN IT, CHUNKY CHEESE!!!

Rodrick:
This is huge, I've gotta call the band. W-We've gotta practice. THIS COULD BE OUR BIG BREAK!!!

Susan:
Ah, ah, ah, wait a second. Aren't you forgetting something?

Rodrick:
What? I showered yesterday. Smell.

Susan:
Okay, okay, okay, okay. We agreed that you'd give a drum lesson to Greg.

Greg:
You were serious?

Susan:
Who knows? Maybe you guys will really like it and we can form a family band. [gasps]

[The whole scene shifts over to the entire Heffley family, wearing matching outfits and performing with musical instruments]

Recorded music:
[song: "Get Happy"] Hello, world. Here's a song that we're singin'. Come on, get happy! A whole lot of loving is what we'll be bringin'. We'll make you happy!

[Greg opens his Xbox 360 game system to put a video game in, and finds a huge chocolate chip cookie stuffed in the disc tray]

Greg:
WHAT?!!

Rowley:
Hey! A cookie.

Greg:
Manny, what have you done?

Manny:
I'm onwy thwee.

Susan:
[walks in] What's going on? What'd you do to him?

Greg:
Nothing, he ruined my video game.

Susan:
[gasps] He didn't anything on purpose, did you honey?

Manny:
No, I didn't.

Susan:
No, he didn't. He's only three.

Manny:
I'm onwy thwee.

[Manny pokes his tongue out at Greg as Susan takes him away]

[Rodrick pulls up in front of Greg and Rowley in his van]

Rodrick:
Get in.

Greg:
Why? What are you doing here?

Rodrick:
Mom said she'd pay "Mom Bucks" if I drove you home from school. [he and his friend laugh and high-five]

Greg:
We'd rather walk.

Rodrick:
Get in. Now! [gets out and opens the back door for Greg and Rowley. Greg immediately notices that the back seats are gone]

Greg:
What happened to the seats?

Rodrick:
: Oh, I needed the room for my new equipment.

[Greg and Rowley hop into the van]

Greg:
How'd you have the money for that?

Rodrick:
Oh, you know..."Mom Bucks". [shuts the door]

Greg:
There's no way. You only earned like... five.

[As Greg and Rowley sit down on the floor, Rodrick starts the van and floors it]

Greg and Rowley:
[screaming] WHHHHHOOOOOOA!!! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!

Greg:
It looks fake. It has to look real.

Rowley:
But how do I fake it if I'm actually falling backwards?

Greg:
Maybe you need a gimmick so people notice you. Oh. [gives Rowley a pair of underwear] Wear this on your head. [Rowley puts his underwear on his head] Now do it again.

Rowley:
Why can't you be the one that falls backwards in the chair?

Greg:
Because. I'm not the one wearing the underwear on my head.

All:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDPA!!

Grandpa:
Next year, I want a chocolate cake!

Greg:
That is if you're alive next year.

[Grandpa looks hurt]

Susan:
[angrily] Greg!

Greg:
Honesty, Mom!

Manny:
Poopy.

[Greg looks down and sees he has chocolate on his pants]

Susan:
Oh, Greg! It looks like he has a candy bar on there.

Greg:
MANNY!

Taylor:
POOP! HE'S POOPED HIS PANTS!

Greg:
No, it isn't what it looks like! It isn't! It's chocolate! Chocolate, see? [eats a bit of it, then everyone in the church gets grossed out. Greg is humiliated. Rodrick laughs] Hyah! [lunges at Rodrick. Greg and Rodrick have a scuffle on the floor]

Greg:
Rodrick, help! The door's closed!

Rodrick:
Yeah and it's staying closed. I don't need a middle schooler ruining my party.

Greg:
What? I thought it was our party.

Rodrick:
It's my party. Now keep QUIET or I'll lock you in the dryer!

Greg:
RODRICK!!!

Rodrick:
[mockingly] Greg!!

Rodrick:
Okay. Everything's cool here, right, Greg?

Greg:
Yeah, Mom, and I have your number if I need you.

Susan:
[on the phone] Okay, sweeties. We'll see you tomorrow. Good night.

Rodrick:
Listen up. If you do anything that embarrasses me, ANYTHING at all, I will-

Greg:
You will what?

Rodrick:
Just stay out of my way... nerds.

Girl:
I have to go find my friend.

Rodrick:
Yeah, yeah. I know. [Rodrick tells Greg and Rowley to touch their phone] REMINDER! You can't call if you're dead.

Frank:
[enraged] HEY! WHAT THE...?!? [storms into room] You guys got something you want to tell me?

Rodrick:
No.

Frank:
[shows figurine] What... was General Grant... doing on the THERMOSTAT!?

Rodrick:
I had no idea.

Frank:
No idea. [looks at Greg] No idea, Huh? [Gregs shakes his head, anxiously] Look, DON'T... these... these are OFF LIMITS! NO TOUCH! THEY ARE NOT TOYS, THEY'RE FIGURINES! [walks away] I can't...

Rodrick:
[whispering] We've got to keep them away from the bathroom.

Greg:
For the next 10 years?

Rodrick:
Listen to me. No matter what they ask you, no matter how hard they push, deny, deny, deny; even if they figure it out, never ever admit to anything. Deny, deny, deny. Got it?

Greg:
Got it. Deny, deny, deny.

Manny:
Mommy! Look!

Susan:
Mommy is looking. Mommy's looked a thousand times. Mommy just needs to go to the potty for one minute, okay?

Greg:
No! NO!

Susan:
Greg, two words. Bathroom. Door.

[Greg anxiously hesitates to reply. Susan gives him a "Well?" look]

Greg:
[bursting out] IT WAS RODRICK! HE MADE ME! IT WAS HIS IDEA! He had the party! Someone wrote on the door, so we had to change it!

Susan:
I knew it! I knew it.

Teacher:
What's going on?

Patty:
Greg Heffley [shows note] is passing me notes.

Greg:
No, I wasn't!

[Frank turns on the camera and the TV screen shows a photo of him pouring soda in a cup fountain and is surprised]

Susan:
Oh my god.

Frank:
Rodrick? Can you explain what you're doing in this photo?

Rodrick:
That's not me.

Frank:
That's not you?

Rodrick:
Nope.

Frank:
Okay. How 'bout these?

[Frank then scrolls through his camera showing more photos of Rodrick's house party; Susan is shocked and horrified; Frank then sets his camera down as it stop on the photo of Greg and Rowley]

Frank:
[angrily; to Rodrick] I can't believe that you had a PARTY!

Susan:
Greg, you told me it was a couple of kids. A band rehearsal!

Frank:
Wait, Susan. You knew about this?

Susan:
Yes. Yes, I knew.

Rodrick:
[to Greg] You told Mom?!

Frank:
I knew they had a party!

Greg:
It slipped out, but I took it back!

Susan:
My instincts told me you weren't being honest! I should've trusted my instincts!

Frank:
Wait! You knew about this, but you didn't tell me about it?

Greg:
I still protected you! I threw Mom off your scent!

Rodrick:
Great job. She has no idea!

Frank:
We are supposed to be a team against them!

Susan:
They were getting along so well I let it blind me to the truth!

Rodrick:
Why were you taking pictures?!

Greg:
It was so crazy that morning, I forgot we took the pictures.

Susan:
So I let it slide. And I am so sorry. Oh, God. It feels so good to get that out. [points to the bathroom door] I haven't been able to look at that bathroom door for two weeks!

Frank:
I knew that door had a lock on it! And everybody was trying to make me feel like I was losing my mind!

[Frank and Susan wait in front of the stairs sternly as Greg and Rodrick come down]

Susan:
Your father I have talked, and we have decided on your punishment.

Frank:
Greg, you are grounded for two weeks. Also, no video games for two weeks.

Susan:
Rodrick, you may only drive to and from school for the next month. As the ringleader, you're also grounded for a month.

Rodrick:
Mom, I'm sorry, and I won't do it again.

Susan:
I know you won't. And to make sure, we're also not allowing you to perform in the talent show.

Rodrick:
[shocked] What? No. No, you can't do that! Ground me for a year, I don't care, but you have to let me play in that show. This could be my big break.

Susan:
I'm sorry.

Rodrick:
[upset] Dad, come on, this isn't fair. I just got Bill in the band!

Frank:
Actually, Rodrick, that doesn't help your case. Bill's kind of a jerk.

[Rodrick gives a silent "What?"]

Susan:
Our decision is final.

[Greg looks silently at Rodrick; upset with his punishment, who goes upstairs, and Greg follows suit]

Rodrick:
[silent] You are so dead.

[At Leisure Village Retirement Community, Frank madly pulls over in front of the entrance, leaving Greg and Rodrick there, where their grandfather comes to see them, mostly Greg.]

Greg:
[narrating] Things have never been worse. Our parents are super mad at us, so we have to spend the weekend at my Grandpa's boring retirement community, Holly Hills thinks I'm Fregley, and my relationship with Rodrick is at an all-time low. So, he's made it his mission to ruin my life. [As Greg, Rodrick and their grandfather walk towards his retirement hotel room, Rodrick kicks Greg from behind him, still sore about the punishment. Greg angrily turns towards Rodrick.] Quit it!

Rodrick:
[annoyed] Why don't you tell Mom? You're good at that.

Greg:
[narrating] Grandpa doesn't like TV. Instead, he prefers to watch the lobby on the security channel.

Rodrick:
I should be rehearsing right now.

Greg:
Please, Grandpa. Please, can we watch a real TV show now?

Grandpa:
TV is just a bunch of fakers. This is real life.

Rowley:
[Chasing his assistant, Scotty Douglas, through the hall] Scotty! Come on! [Scotty locks himself into the bathroom] Scotty, come on! You don't wanna let the magic fans down, do you?

Scotty:
[from inside] Go away!

Susan:
Rowley, what's wrong?

Rowley:
My assistant, Scotty got stage fright. Now he doesn't want to do the show.

Susan:
Maybe Greg would help out. He can be your assistant. What? No way.

Susan:
What? Rowley is your best friend. This is important to him. You need to do this.

Rowley:
It's okay, Mrs. Heffley. Greg is just afraid that Holly Hills will think less of him.

Greg:
[defensive] Rowley. [turns to Susan] Mom, can we talk in private?

Susan':
Sure.

Rowley:
[desperate] Scotty, please.

Patty:
[to Greg] Your performance was pathetic, Greg Heffley! Only a moron would find humor in bird poop! [bird poops on Patty's hair] You stupid bird! [storms off furiously]

[The Heffley family in their cartoon drawings pull up in their car in the Rocket Rollers Roller Rink's parking lot]

Greg:
[steps out, looks up at the sign] 7th grader. Sounds a lot better than 6th grader.

Rodrick:
[steps out of the car and closes the door; sighs] This is a "Greg thing." I don't see why I had to come.

Susan:
Because, Rodrick, this is a family event, and like it or not, you're part of the Heffley family.

Frank:
Yeah. That and we already paid for your ticket.

Susan:
Well, you brought this on yourselves. You can kiss Rockin' Rapids good-bye. You two will stay here together all weekend and work out your differences. And if you don't, I will... and trust me, you don't want any part of that. Do you understand?

Rodrick:
Yes.

Greg:
Yes.

Susan:
All right, let's go.

Frank:
And don't have anybody over this weekend. Got it?

Rodrick:
OK. Everything's cool here, right, Greg?

Greg:
Yeah, Mom, and I have your number if I need you.

Susan:
[on the phone] OK, sweeties. We'll see you tomorrow. Good night.

Rodrick:
[whispering angrily to the boys] Listen up. If you do anything that embarrasses me, ANYTHING at all, I will-

Greg:
You will what?

Rodrick:
Just, stay out of my way... nerds.

Rodrick:
[to Greg and Rowley about to pick up the phone] REMINDER! You can't call if you're dead.

Susan:
[on phone speaker] Hey, guys. Manny’s sick, and we’re on our way home. See you in an hour.

[Greg and Rodrick wake up, horrified]

Rodrick:
Holy...

Greg:
Moly! [gets up from the sofa and he and brother look around the messy house; to Rodrick] You are in so much trouble.

[A cartoon drawing shows Frank and Susan standing in front of Rodrick’s grave]

Rodrick:
Me? You lied to Mom just as much as I did, and you know how she feels about lying. She’s gonna kill both of us!

[Another drawing shows Greg’s grave lying next to Rodrick’s and a vulture lands on the headstone]

Greg:
You do the living room, I’ll start the kitchen, go!

Susan:
Greg, is there something you want to say to Rowley and his father?

Greg:
[to Rowley and Mr Jefferson] I'm sorry for choosing an inappropriate movie for the sleepover. At least nobody got hurt this time.

[Cuts to a flashback of Greg and rowley's sleepover]

Rowley:
I'm a little birdy! I'm a little birdy! (falls of the bed and injures himself) My Kneebone!

[Cuts to the present, where Rowley and his father leave the Heffley house]

Greg:
What?

Susan:
[sternly enters Greg’s room] Greg, two words. Bathroom. Door.

[Greg anxiously hesitates to reply; Susan gives him a "Well?" look on her face]

Greg:
[bursting out] IT WAS RODRICK! HE MADE ME! IT WAS HIS IDEA! He had the party! Someone wrote on the door, so we had to change it!

Susan:
I knew it. I knew it. [starts to leave the room]

Greg:
[gets up from his desk and runs to the door and closes it] No, Mom, wait! I was exaggerating a little bit. It wasn’t a party. It was a band rehearsal for the talent show. That’s all it was.

Susan:
We said nobody could come over. He knew the rules.

Rodrick:
[to Greg] This "Mom Bucks" thing is a gold mine muchacho. Better not ruin it for me.

Susan:
Oh, honey, hi! Remember when we were young like this? And we used to dance and go to parties and stuff like that?

Susan:
What did I say about being civil to one another?! That's all I asked of you! [as time passes] Well, you have blown it big time! Never been more embarrassed. Everyone we know was there. [sobbing] I have no idea how I'm gonna write my column this week. I feel like a complete fraud!