How to Rob a Bank (and 10 Tips to Actually Get Away with It)

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
So, Simon, what's the deal? How do we do this?

Simon:
How do we do this? Right. You tell me what it is you want. I yield to your demands. Then I give you what's called a counter-offer. I'll give you part of what you want, but not everything. So I have a decent bargaining position to deliver what is what I want. Got it?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
I don't think I like your attitude.

Simon:
Thatta boy! Now you're beginning to get the feel.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
I want my twenty bucks. And... and... safely out of here.

Simon:
What we have here is a symbiotic relationship. You want out, and I want in. And in the spirit of negotiation, I'd like to see you dead. You'd like to leave alive. So, let's just meet in the middle.

[first lines]

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Life is stealing from you. Literally. Surcharge by surcharge. Convenience is bleeding you dry. Nickel by nickel. Chump change. That dime you don't even bother to bend over to pick up on the sidewalk is the same dime you get bent over for by all these services. You want to call 411, that'll cost fifty cents. You want to actually place that call, that'll be an additional forty-nine cents. That adds up to guys like you and me. On any given day, I have twenty dollars before pay day. Whatever. But don't even think about trying to withdraw your money. It'll cost you $1.50 to get twenty dollars. Which means I only have $18.50 after the frickin' ATM takes its cut, which means I don't have 20 dollars. I have insufficient funds. That's why I'm here. So listen closely, because I'm about to tell you a secret - how to beat the system, and take charge of the surcharge in life.

Jessica:
[as Jinx removes the tape covering her mouth] F***! That hurts you whiny little son of a b*tch! I couldn't care less...

[Jinx places tape back over Jessica's mouth]

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Well then, skippy, if I wanted more verbal abuse I'd call some customer service center somewhere.

[Jessica tries to speak but only muffled sounds come out]

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
What was that? I didn't catch that last part. Was that "sorry for being a b*tch"? "I'll be nice now"?

[after grabbing ringing cell phone from Jessica's pocket]

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
What's this?

[removes tape from Jessica's mouth]

Jessica:
[sarcastically] That's what they call a cell phone.

[repeated line]

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
I want my twenty bucks.

Jessica:
Mind if I make a suggestion?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Fine. Why not?

Jessica:
Tell him I can open the door, but you won't allow me to until he guarantees you safe passage out.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
[talking to Simon on the phone] She says she can open the door, but...

Simon:
[interrupting] I heard her. It's a good plan. I'll give you my guarantee. 100%.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
[to Jessica] You are a smart, very capable woman. I'd go so far as to say...

[wipes blood from nose]

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
...you're a serious force to be reckoned with.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
[to Simon] You're lying.

Jessica:
No, he's not.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
[to Jessica] You're lying!

Jessica:
No, I'm not.

Simon:
Let's start over.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
That seems to be our theme around here.

Officer Degepse:
I need to know if you're still safe and secure.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
You can say I'm safe.

Officer Degepse:
Now outline the situation, please.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
I'm safe because I'm in the safe.

Officer Degepse:
[annoyed] I got the joke, sir.

Officer Degepse:
Do we have any injuries?

Jessica:
We may have a fatality if somebody doesn't get his ass off me!

Officer Degepse:
What's the situation?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
I don't know. We're fine... unless you count being locked in a vault with armed a**holes outside of the door.

Officer Degepse:
Excuse me?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
No, no... not you people.

Officer Degepse:
Excuse me?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Oh god. Tell me you're not black or something. I didn't mean to...

Officer Degepse:
Yep. I'm black. You got it.

Simon:
[to Gunman] Just go pretend to guard the guard!

Officer Degepse:
How are you two holding up?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Hey, I'm not holding up anything. That'd be the guys outside the vault.

Officer Degepse:
Okay then. What's your status?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
I think my status and your status are the same status. Sort of... stuck status. Still locked in vault, unable to get out, surrounded by armed robbers who'd love to get in, and if they could get in the vault they certainly can't get out because they're surrounded by you who would love to throw them in prison, which, I don't think is part of their plan.

Officer Degepse:
Hang in there while we continue to try to establish communication with the suspects.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
You want help?

Officer Degepse:
Thank you, but we have the matter well at hand.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Oh you... you have their phone number?

Officer Degepse:
[getting flustered] No! They usually try to establish contact with us sometime around this point.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Maybe you should just call them.

Officer Degepse:
Thank you for your advice, but we'll have to wait for them to communicate with us. Okay?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Alrighty then, but if you need their number just holler and I'll give it to you.

Jessica:
Huh.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Don't "huh" me. I'm supposed to be the "huh" guy.

Jessica:
Who's going to monitor a Duran Duran fan forum chatroom when there's real crime out on the streets?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Wait a second. Did you just say Duran Duran?

Jessica:
Yep.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Why not, uh, Zepplin?

Jessica:
Everyone knows Zepplin is a forum for CIA Counter Terrorism.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Oh you've got to be effin' kidding me. Zepplin are spooks and Duran Duran are 80s pretty boy badass crime syndicate? That is just not right.

Simon:
Hold on.

Officer Degepse:
We're holding. We're holding. No one's doing anything.

Simon:
No, I mean hold on. I got another call coming in.

Nick:
You have the wrong number.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
You called me!

Nick:
Right then... um... I had the wrong number. Sorry to trouble you. Bye.

[hangs up phone]

Nick:
Hey, stop calling me!

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
No.

Nick:
What?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
No. I said no.

Nick:
You can't just say no.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Yes I can. No. See?

[repeated line]

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
I'm Jason Taylor. People call me Jinx, though.

Nick:
What's the deal?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
That seems to be my theme ever since I've locked myself in this frickin' vault.

Simon:
[to Degepse] If I see your men any closer than 25 yards, I'm putting holes through these walking body bags.

Nick:
Anything in particular slowing things up?

Simon:
Like?

Nick:
Like some guy locking himself in the vault, who somehow has full knowledge of our identities, our cell numbers, and has the ability to dial 911, handing you a first-class pass to ass class in a federal penitentiary? That sort of thing?

Nick:
A tactical analysis? What would that currently be?

Simon:
F***ed.

Nick:
Great.

Nick:
[to Jinx] If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
It reminds me of what a friend once said. Breaking into a bank is what screws you, because breaking in takes time, and time is what gets you caught.

Nick:
Alright there, Columbo. You seem to be answering a lot of unasked questions for an innocent bystander. What the hell are you getting at?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Hey, it's not for nothing, but I didn't ask to be locked in this frickin' vault. All I ever wanted was my twenty bucks. But no, some greedy bastard decided it was a great idea to increase his bank's profit margin, fire tellers to lower corporate costs, close branches, install endless ATM machines that charge my ass to kingdom come until I can't afford my own twenty bucks.

Nick:
What the hell does that have to do with anything?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
I'm glad you asked. Insufficient funds means I had to walk my ass into the only Grant Liberty I can find to withdraw my money, but it was already having a large withdrawal made, i.e. being robbed, which was perfectly fine with me until some jackass pointed a gun at me. This guy gets all jumpy, tries to blow my head off. His gun jams, and I run for cover in this vault, which proceeds to lock behind me, locking me in this vault, where I literally run into some super hot chick, who I'm trapped with. Sounds great, except she she proceeded to punch me in the face, ruining my otherwise wonderfully boring day and wasting my pedantically precious time.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Last time I checked, there's no I in team, or felony grand theft of a federal reserve bank.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Did you know that statistics say that 98% of all convicted criminals have successfully committed at least one previous crime before they were caught? That means that almost everyone gets away with it at least once.

[last lines]

Nick:
By the way, Tip #10 - know when to walk away.

Nick:
I'm going to put the cards on the table. You have something I need - information. Information my associates are no longer in a position to offer. I propose we adapt, evolve, roll some balls, and walk us right out of this quagmire. I'll cut to the chase - what do you want?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
My twenty bucks.

Nick:
I'm sorry, did you say twenty bucks?

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
Yep.

Nick:
I don't want to be rude, but I think you might want to revise that number.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
You think? Like, what?

Nick:
Like, look around you. I'd add a few zeroes to that twenty dollar figure of yours.

Officer Linstrom:
[after Simon throws his cell phone at Degepse's head] Think he's trying to communicate with us, sir?

Nick:
Getting greedy with what you want to steal will only get you caught. You have to ask yourself why you think you can get away with it. Know why and the what, where and how will follow.

Jason 'Jinx' Taylor:
It's called "exploding noema". It's a theory of psychoanalysis that describes the exact startling moment when the brain can't reconcile the difference between what should be and what actually is. Kinda like thinking you picked up a coke and you actually drink cigarette butts and beer. That moment is over now and your brain is facing the reality that if you even get up from that chair, this little gadget of yours it's gonna be a bunch of little gadget pieces.