Without a Clue

Inspector Lestrade:
Half a tick, Mr. Holmes. Ye can't go walkin' into someone's residence, pokin' about their personal possessions, disruptin' their privacy... That's for Scotland Yard.

Holmes:
An occasional libation helps to stiffen my resolve.

Mrs. Hudson:
Your resolve should be pickled by now!

Watson:
I'll ask you once more: Are you coming with me?

Holmes:
I would rather waltz naked through the fires of Hell.

Holmes:
MORIARTY?

Watson:
Oh, for God's sake...

Holmes:
You didn't tell me that homicidal maniac was in on this!

Watson:
That's because I knew you'd behave this way.

Holmes:
Bravo! Another triumph for deductive reasoning!

Holmes:
It wasn't YOU he tried to kill!

Watson:
Think man, think... Who was SUPPOSED to be in that room?

Holmes:
That's right! You were!

Watson:
Moriarty knows... I'm am the only match for his evil genius.

Holmes:
You mean he's not trying to kill me?

Watson:
Of course not. He knows you're an idiot.

Holmes:
Oh, thank God.

Holmes:
How can I be expected to maintain the character when you belittle me in front of those hooligans?

Watson:
Character? Are we talking about the same man who once declared with total conviction that the late Colonel Howard had been bludgeoned to death with a blunt *excrement*?

Holmes:
Is it my fault you have such poor handwriting?

Holmes:
What am I looking for?

Watson:
Footprints.

Holmes:
Ah.

Holmes:
Have I found any yet?

Watson:
Not yet.

Holmes:
Well let me know when I do.

Holmes:
Lovely story, Watson. But on page 2 you have me admitting a mistake.

Watson:
A writer must write of which he knows...

Holmes:
I'm reminded of the curious case of the Manchurian Mambo...

Watson:
Holmes, could I have a word?

Holmes:
Yes, what is it?

Watson:
I believe that was the Manchurian Mamba.

Holmes:
Mambo, mamba. What's the difference?

Watson:
Well, very little, except that one is a deadly, poisonous snake, while the other is a rather festive Carribean dance.

Holmes:
It was a night like any other, when suddenly a knock came at the door. I opened it, and there were these Manchurians, doing a rather festive Carribean dance...

Watson:
Lord Mayor! Don't move until Holmes has searched the area for clues!

Holmes:
My GOD I've trained you well, Watson!

Greenhough:
We'll start at the beginning, shall we?

Dr. Watson:
It was about nine years ago. One of my patients was a Scotland Yard inspector investigating the Paxton murder case. I give him the name of the murderer, but gave credit to a, heh, nonexistent detective. At the time, I was hoping for an appointment to the staff of a rather conservative medical college; I... knew that they'd frown on my little, uh...

Greenhough:
Hobby...

Dr. Watson:
Exactly. Well, I didn't get the appointment. Instead, what I got was a quite unanticipated public demand to meet this "Sherlock Holmes."

Greenhough:
So you hired this Reginald Kincaid.

Dr. Watson:
He was an actor. Unfortunately, he was also a gambler, a womanizer, and a drunkard.

Greenhough:
John, you have jeopardized the integrity of English literature! Still, I should have known. He was always borrowing large sums of money off me and, uh, never paying me back.

Dr. Watson:
The cad!

Greenhough:
Oh, don't worry, we deducted it from your royalties.

Dr. Watson:
But it's time now for the public to learn the truth!

Greenhough:
The - truth?

Dr. Watson:
Certainly. No one will want to read of that twit again. His popularity will plummet. They'll be desperate for my new creation.

Greenhough:
What new creation?

Dr. Watson:
John Watson, the Crime Doctor! I can have it ready for your very next issue.

Inspector Lestrade:
His Lordship wishes to see Mr. Holmes.

Dr. Watson:
I'm sorry to say he's not here at the moment.

Lord Smithwick:
Oh, how disappointing.

Inspector Lestrade:
Sir, as I said before, I really don't think Mr. Holmes' involvement in this case is at all necessary.

Dr. Watson:
I quite agree.

Inspector Lestrade:
You do?

Dr. Watson:
However, the Crime Doctor is at your disposal.

Inspector Lestrade:
Who the deuce is the Crime Doctor?

Lord Smithwick:
And I don't have to tell you what that would mean.

Sherlock Holmes:
Yes you do.

Sherlock Holmes:
What are you doing?

Dr. Watson:
Thinking.

Sherlock Holmes:
Right. I'm going to think too.

Sherlock Holmes:
What shall we think about, Watson?

Sherlock Holmes:
Ah, now, now, we know for a fact that Giles was on the boat.

Dr. Watson:
No, we don't.

Sherlock Holmes:
Oh. Well, we do know for a fact that Giles arrived in Windermere.

Dr. Watson:
No he didn't.

Sherlock Holmes:
(He didn't? I thought he did.) Ah. Well, we really know that Giles was behind the theft of the printing plates.

Dr. Watson:
No, he wasn't.

Leslie:
Oh, you brave, brave man!

Sherlock Holmes:
Danger is my trade - but not yours. It's unsafe for you to sleep alone tonight, unattended.

Dr. Watson:
Yes, we insist you stay with us.

Leslie:
Oh, but, but surely I'd be an imposition.

Sherlock Holmes:
Think nothing of it, my dear.

Dr. Watson:
Indeed. Holmes will be working... all night anyway, so you can have his room.

Sherlock Holmes:
I warn you, sir, I've killed as many as six men in a week. Eight if you count matinees.

Sherlock Holmes:
I've got it! His real name is Arty-Morti!

Holmes:
I couldn't detect horse manure if I stepped in it!

Watson:
Last night, Holmes realized how stupid he had been.

Holmes:
Now, I didn't say stupid...

Watson:
Yes, you did.

Mrs. Hudson:
Mr. Holmes! What would Dr. Watson say?

Holmes:
He would have offered to kick the chair out from underneath me!

Holmes:
Ah, gentlemen. And what can I do for you? A mystery to be solved?

Thug:
You might say that. There's a little matter of a gambling debt, and the mystery is why you ain't paid it.

Sebastian:
Do you suppose he took the case, Professor?

Professor James Moriarty:
What? My dear boy, how could he resist? This is turning out so very well.

Dr. Watson:
Oh, a French postcard.

Holmes:
Really?

Holmes:
I know a chap who collected these once. He had this wonderful one... two women... oh, it's just a picture of the Eiffel Tower.