Jackass Number Two

Johnny Knoxville:
Rectal bleeding... another first for Jackass.

Chris Pontius:
I can't believe I'm fishing with Steve-o as my bait!

Johnny Knoxville:
It's gonna hurt a lot, but it's just loud.

April Margera:
Why would you burn him in the first place, Dunn?

Ryan Dunn:
'Cause it was funny...

Chris Pontius:
I'm so glad I'm not the star of this movie.

Johnny Knoxville:
If your a**hole can't see the camera, the camera can't see your a**hole

Johnny Knoxville:
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm going to the moon!

[first lines]

Johnny Knoxville:
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, welcome to Jackass!

Bam Margera:
Please God, don't let there be a "Jackass 3".

Dave England:
Oh God! Oh... Oh... Oh God!... my ass hurts so f***ing bad!

Chris Pontius:
[after drinking horse semen] I'm ashamed of myself. I really am. I'm completely ashamed of myself.

Ryan Dunn:
[after Johnny Knoxville falls head first off the penny farthing bicycle] You didn't land it.

Bam Margera:
Ape, I got a muffed-up ass butt!

April Margera:
I know, and you had the cutest butt ever and now you ruined it!

Bam Margera:
No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it.

Wee Man:
There's a machine in here! Where's the f***ing card throwing machine?

Johnny Knoxville:
[Johnny Knoxville hands his fake grandson a flask] Don't hog it all you little prick...

Steve-O:
All right cast me out, goddammit!

[Bam has just been branded with a penis-shaped branding iron]

Bam Margera:
You gave me a hologram dick! There's three solid d*cks, there's one half-assed one right here, and then you gave me a set of balls.

Johnny Knoxville:
But a sweet set of balls!

Bam Margera:
Rad... I'd rather rip my dick off and throw it in the river than to do that again. Goddamn!

Johnny Knoxville:
[while Bam is in trailor with Cobra] You crying?

Bam Margera:
Yeah.

Ehren McGhehey:
[while in the trunk of a taxi cab] Get me out of here!

Steve-O:
[chuckling] You just pleasured a horse.

Ryan Dunn:
Ooh my hip! I think I just gave birth!

Johnny Knoxville:
Ok, who brought crabs to the party? Ha ha. One of the guys had crabs!

Ehren McGhehey:
Where I'm going, I don't need luggage

Jay Chandrasekhar:
C'mon!

Chris Pontius:
[after Matt Hoffman attempts to jump the English Channal on his bike] He didnt even make it to Germany!

Johnny Knoxville:
That long hair don't cover up your red neck.

Steve-O:
Dude, Wee Man, I would never use a card throwing machine on you!

Johnny Knoxville:
[after taking a fall] My head stopped my body from getting really hurt on that.

Wee Man:
What are thinking about, Preston?

Preston Lacy:
I wish all of that water was gravy and all those cars were giant biscuits.

Wee Man:
[laughing] Are you hungry?

Preston Lacy:
I was just saying...

Wee Man:
Oh, all right!

Chris Pontius:
Water-based lubricants, friend or foe? You be the judge.

Johnny Knoxville:
[after getting shot by riot explosive] Is this ok?

[points to face]

Johnny Knoxville:
Then we're good.

Ryan Dunn:
[Johnny Knoxville is about to be launched with the rocket] This isn't the best idea.

Bam Margera:
Yes it is...

Dimitry Elyashkevich:
[Johnny Knoxville is ready to be launced on the rocket] 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!

Bam Margera:
Later! [Presses the launch button]

Chris Pontius:
Hey Ehren, maybe after this movie you'll finally lose your virginity.

Chris Pontius:
[after completing Medicine Ball Dodgeball] That was fun. Let's never do that again.

Bam Margera:
Here we are at some random-ass ranch and this is the Brand. And it's gonna suck!

April Margera:
[after seeing the brand on Bam's ass] You're going to have that for life!

Bam Margera:
No sh*t!

Bam Margera:
[before the Riot Control skit] If Knoxville goes in there, I'll French kiss him.

Steve-O:
I just had a leech chomp my eyeball. YES!

Johnny Knoxville:
[while gagging after Pontius drinks the horse semen] I never puke ever, and I really almost puked then.

Phil Margera:
[after seeing Bam's brand] He should have made it bigger and more realistic, that puny thing's embarrassing!

Ryan Dunn:
[after the riot control test] Son of a... F*** you!

Bam Margera:
[after getting shot by riot explosive] I'm crying. I'm a f***ing skateboarder and I'm getting shot.

Ryan Dunn:
[Riding Oldskool BMX] Why would anybody ride this sh*t? What's the reasoning? Why can't they just make two of the same size wheel?

Wee Man:
What? I can't hear... kinda.

Steve-O:
I'm Steve-O, and sorry, Dad, but no one's gonna miss this for the world. This is the Butt Chug.

Steve-O:
[about to be buried up to his neck in a pile of manure] I'm Steve-O and this is some sh*t. [screams] I'm Steve-O and this is some sh*t!

Bam Margera:
[after the Yak Charge] That couldn't have gone any better. I didn't know Knoxville could do back flips.

Chris Pontius:
[after Wee Man and Preston go bungee jumping off the bridge] That was intense, really intense. Well, not really intense, but pretty intense.

Dave England:
[after going downhill in the Big Tire Race] Oh I hate that, I hate it so bad! F***in' sucky!

Ryan Dunn:
Why do you hate it?

Dave England:
The bouncing on my f***in' head!

Dave England:
[gets knocked out by a large airbag] Ah... f***in' sh*t... what was that sh*t? It's f***in' in my eyes...

Johnny Knoxville:
Oh! Oooo!

Dave England:
Uh... what the f*** was that?

Johnny Knoxville:
Oh my...

Dave England:
I f***in' don't understand... what the f*** did you do to me? WHAT THE F*** WAS THAT?

Johnny Knoxville:
Uh... are you...

Dave England:
You're f***in' me up man!

Johnny Knoxville:
Let's go inside man!

Dave England:
Oh F*** DUDE... I... that was f***in' CRAZY!

Dave England:
[while chewing on horse sh*t] It's so dry!

Dimitry Elyashkevich:
[terrible Middle East accent] Father, hello, Father.

Ehren McGhehey:
[outraged] You shut up, I told you to come here earlier!

Dimitry Elyashkevich:
I am sorry, Father.

Ehren McGhehey:
[terrible Middle East accent] You are late, you cannot be accepted.

Dimitry Elyashkevich:
I have disgraced you.

Ehren McGhehey:
Where have you been, you little bastard?

Dimitry Elyashkevich:
[apologetically] I have been making a number two.

Ehren McGhehey:
Oh.

Johnny Knoxville:
Doc, can you help us?

Indian Doctor:
Uh, yeah, why not?

Indian Doctor:
I do not recommend putting leeches on testicles.

Jordan Houston:
Swallow, swallow it nigga!

Chris Pontius:
[dressed in a devil costume] Keep God outta California! Whoo! Let Charlie Daniels write a song about this! God is *out*! He can have the other 48... or 49... whatever...

Steve-O:
[to Dave England who has an upset stomach] Last time you sh*t in a damn van and now you get to sh*t in a limo!

Manny Puig:
The anaconda is the largest snake in the world. It feeds on large animals and can kill grown men within minutes. Wee-Man, probably in seconds.

Johnny Knoxville:
Why would you say that right before we film?

Wee Man:
[Getting shocked by an electric stool] Ah! Arrrgghh! [Jumps of off the stool] No, I don't f***ing like that dude, I don't f***ing like that dude. That f***ing hurts, dude.

Chris Pontius:
[after sticking a fish hook through Steve-O's mouth] Oh, man. That hurt to do that to you.

Bam Margera:
So the boys think they're arriving in a limo for a photo shoot, but little do they know we have a shitload of bees we're gonna put through the sunroof, and we've rigged the locks so they can't get out.

Johnny Knoxville:
Ha. And when they do get out, we got a couple marbles for them.

Bam Margera:
This is the Beehive Limo.

Wee Man:
[after getting zapped by the electric stool several times, thinking it is cards] Alright, you f***ers, the jig is up! Where's the f***ing card throwing machine? [Other guys laugh, finally one of them tells Wee Man] OH, THE F***ING CHAIR IS RIGGED!

Ryan Dunn:
I was scared of burnin' my own friend.

April Margera:
Why would you burn him in the first place Dunn?

Ryan Dunn:
'Cause it was funny.

Ryan Dunn:
[while fishing for sharks, using Steve-O as bait] Dude, isn't this movie supposed to be a comedy?

Ryan Dunn:
[while fishing for sharks, using Steve-O as bait, and as sharks circle Steve-O] Dude, isn't this movie supposed to be a comedy?

Johnny Knoxville:
Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and this is the Anaconda Ball Pit. [Wee Man hits him in the groin] F***! I have on a cup and that still hurts!

Bam Margera:
Can somebody make a dick run?

Jordan Houston:
This is the bravest motherf***er right here - two hundred smackaroos - it's not counterfeit, it's real - to eat horse sh*t!

Manny Puig:
Bam just took a golden dildo up his ass at high speeds. That's what happened.

Steve-O:
[after completing the butt chug] Come on guys - let's go to the bar!

Johnny Knoxville:
[preparing Steve-O for the butt chug] I'm staring down Main St. right now - and it isn't pretty.

Johnny Knoxville:
[Lance is laughing hysterically] I think we broke him!

Bam Margera:
[Johnny Knoxville is about to be launched in the air] I'm scared just watching him, I want a Lance helmet!

Steve-O:
It's times like these when you know - Johnny Knoxville is one gnarly dude.

Bam Margera:
We're here at April and Phil's house and I'm gonna present them the branded dick on my butt. Let me rephrase that: d*cks.

Chris Pontius:
[after jumping out of an open sewer grate, dressed as the devil] I landed straight on my head. I am just... f***ed.

Ryan Dunn:
So here I am, trying to contribute to Ehren McGhehey's new beard. I hope he knows that I skipped showering for about a week and a half to make this a little more gross. [shaves his pubic hair]

April Margera:
You had the cutest butt ever and now you ruined it!

Bam Margera:
No, Dick Farm Dunn ruined it.

Ryan Dunn:
You have no hair on your ass.

Bam Margera:
It is pretty.

Chris Pontius:
Get ready to be happy ladies and gentlemen, Johnny Knoxville is gonna jump the entire lake! He's amazing.

Johnny Knoxville:
This is the Toro Totter. It's me and Pontius vs. Dunn and Bam - and the last guy on the Totter is the winner.

Chris Pontius:
It's gonna be a blood bath.

Bam Margera:
It's time to play a game with a bunch of these medicine balls, and they're heavy as sh*t!

Johnny Knoxville:
This is REALLY gonna suck!

Bam Margera:
The boys think they're arriving for a photo shoot, but little do they know we've got a shitload of bees we're gonna put through the sunroof, and we've rigged the locks so they cant get out.

Johnny Knoxville:
And when they do get out we've got some marbles waiting for 'em.

Bam Margera:
This is the Beehive Limo.

Bam Margera:
Knoxville is gonna see what the moon looks like!

Man:
[after seeing Knoxville's, as Irving Zisman, "grandson" smoking a cigarette] Hey man, is that a real light?

Fake Grandson:
Piss off, man!

Man:
Is it?

Johnny Knoxville:
He said "piss off"!

Man:
[Wanting to fight Knoxville] You wanna step outside?

Johnny Knoxville:
We're already outside, numbnuts! Hahaha! [to his "grandson"] He asked us if we wanted to step outside.

Johnny Knoxville:
[On the Torro-Totter, Chris gets hit in the leg by the bull] Are you okay?

Chris Pontius:
Yeah, hold on.

Johnny Knoxville:
What do you mean "hold on"? The bull's not gonna hold on!

Chris Pontius:
Ah, he got me in the leg. Goddamn, these bulls are strong!