Labor Pains

Lisa DePardo:
I need you to say 'My Name is Thea and I am NOT pregnant.'

Lisa DePardo:
It smells like something died in here.

Thea Clayhill:
It did... my soul.

Thea Clayhill:
Do you think he'll ever forgive me?

Lisa DePardo:
Do you want me to be honest? Or do you want me to make you feel better?

Lisa DePardo:
Pregnant. It's brilliant. Where'd you come up with that?

Thea Clayhill:
Oh, I saw it on an episode of law and order. Yeah, you can't fire a pregnant women. Discrimination, lawsuits, bad mojo... whatever.

Lisa DePardo:
Smart.

Greg:
You know, I find it fascinating that Kristin is only a month further along than you, and yet she's the size of a school bus while you're still over here looking like Kate Moss.

Thea Clayhill:
Uh, different strokes, I guess.

Greg:
Perhaps it's easier to feel the bump than to see it. [reaches for Thea's stomach, Lisa swats at his hand] What's the big deal? Everyone likes to touch a pregnant stomach.

Lisa DePardo:
Because you're a gross weirdo, Greg.

Thea Clayhill:
And the baby doesn't like gross weirdos, Greg!

Lisa DePardo:
If you want people to think you're pregnant, you gotta start talking the talk and walking the... waddle.

Thea Clayhill:
I look rediculous. These jeans are elastic on the top. I feel like I'm wearing a condom on my stomach.

Lisa DePardo:
Trust me, you don't look like you've been anywhere NEAR a condom.

Lisa DePardo:
Ew. Look at those nipples! [reading a pregnancy book]

Greg:
Congratulations, Thea.

Thea Clayhill:
Thank you, Greg.

Greg:
You really think you can get to the top by playing games, don't cha? I know what you're up to, Thea. And I think that it stinks. It super stinks.

Lisa DePardo:
Hm.

Thea Clayhill:
Well, really? Do you think that it stinks that I wanna hire you to be my assistant?

Greg:
Really?

Thea Clayhill:
You'll start first thing Monday after I put the paperwork through.

Greg:
Oh wow, Thea. Thea, thank you so much. I- I could kiss you right now.

Thea Clayhill:
You don't have to do that.

Greg:
I'll see you later, boss.

Thea Clayhill:
...No, I didn't finish college.

Nick:
Oh, why not? Too boring? Not 'Joan Jett' enough for you?

Thea Clayhill:
He's actually kinda cute, though. Don't ya think?

Lisa DePardo:
Who?

Thea Clayhill:
Um... Nick.

Lisa DePardo:
Um... No.

Emma Clayhill:
What is THAT? [seeing Thea's pregnant stomach for the first time]

Thea Clayhill:
Just because you don't like my dress doesn't mean you have to be rude.

Thea Clayhill:
[Thea cleans Greg's glasses and puts them back on him] I hope you don't mind. I just couldn't take it anymore.

Nick:
Oh wow. Wow, I can see. Oh my god, Thea. I don't know if you know this but y- you're pregnant.

Thea Clayhill:
Your sense of humor really takes a dive after 9 o'clock, huh?

Nick:
Is it after nine?

Thea Clayhill:
Yea.

Nick:
Oh my god. I'm slave-driving a pregnant woman.

Kristin:
I don't know what to do. I mean, this was Dan's idea. He was all like, "Let's have a baby. It'll be so cute." You know? I was like, "Really? Really? Well, let's strap 50 pounds of cement to YOUR torso and see how fun it is then!" You know, I just...

Thea Clayhill:
Yeah, I know. I understand.

Kristin:
I just need a drink. Or some weed.

Nick:
[Thea kisses Nick] I've been wanting to do that for a really long time now.

Thea Clayhill:
Actually, I did that.

Nick:
Right.

Pregnancy Class Instructor:
Let's try some birthing positions, okay? Mary, could I borrow your partner for just a sec? I promise I'll give him back. Maybe. I'm just kidding. Come up here, cutie.

[after "borrowing" Mary's husband to do what is not unlike taking her from behind]

Pregnancy Class Instructor:
We're gonna rock back. We're gonna rock back into it. Oh! Feel that womb open up. It feels familiar, right ladies? That's how we got ourselves into this mess.

[after "borrowing" Mary's husband to do what is not unlike taking her from behind]

Pregnancy Class Instructor:
And now, partners, I want you to envelope your marathoner, okay? And just get in a deep stretch here around the belly. Keep moving back and forth, right? Get your hands on the tummy back there, hands on the tummy. And keep pushing in. Keep pushing in and envelope. Get right on top of there. Feel that, feel it...

[after "borrowing" Mary's husband to do what is not unlike taking her from behind]

Pregnancy Class Instructor:
Okay. All right. Finish up when you feel done. I need a few more. If you'll indulge me Mary, thank you. [Mary looks bewildered] Okay, and just keep the rocking. Never stop rocking. Oh! Yes. Give it to me, Rob! We're doing it now. Oh! Okay. And we're done. Wonderful, thank you. This guy's good, right? I'm gonna borrow you for another class. Or after class. I'm kidding.