Arthur

Drunk:
The Russians are teaching their kids how to fight. Everyone's dancing here. So what do you do?

Arthur:
I'm a dance instructor.

Arthur's Uncle:
Oh, Arthur, grow up!

Arthur:
That's easy for you to say, you don't have 50 pair of short pants hanging in your closet!

Gloria:
Hi.

Hobson:
Yes. You obviously have a wonderful economy with words, Gloria. I look forward to your next syllable with great eagerness.

Do you know what the worst part of being me is?

EAT YOUR ROLL!

Arthur:
They recently had the whole country carpeted. This is not a big place.

Perry's wife:
MY HUSBAND HAS A GUN!!!

Arthur:
For all I know it just went off while you were screaming!

Hobson:
"Perhaps you'd like me to come in there and wash your dick for you you little sh**!?"

Arthur:
Offer to take my coat

Butler:
You're not wearing a coat

Arthur:
Well then, offer to take my tie.

Susan:
A real woman could stop you from drinking.

Arthur Quotes:
It'd have to be a real big woman

Excuse me…oh, you're a hedge!