The Boondock Saints

Paul Smecker, F.B.I.:
[After proving the Boston detectives wrong] We'll start the ass-kissing with you.

Paul Smecker, F.B.I.:
Now, you Irish cops are perking up. That's two sound theories in one day, neither of which deal with abnormally sized men. Kind of makes me feel like Riverdancing. [Begins dancing]

Paul Smecker, F.B.I.:
There was a fire-fight!!

Monseigneur:
And I am reminded on this holy day of the sad story of Kitty Genovese. As you all may remember, long time ago almost 30 years ago. This poor soul cried out for help time and time again, but no person answered her calls. Though many saw, no one so much as called the police. They all just watched as Kitty was being stabbed to death in broad daylight. They watched as her assailant walked away. Now, we must all fear evil men. But, there is another kind of evil which we must fear most … and that is the indifference of good men!

Connor:
[as the brothers exit the church] I do believe the Monseigneur's finally got the point.

Murphy:
Aye.

Ivan Checkov:
I am Ivan Checkov, and you will be closing now.

Murphy:
Checkov? Well, this here's McCoy. We find a Spock, we got us an away team.

Detective Dolly:
So, what's the symbology there?

Paul Smecker:
Symbology? Now that Duffy's relinquished his "King Bonehead" crown, I see we have an heir to the throne! I'm sure the word you were looking for was symbolism. What is the ssss-himbolism there? Let me explain it to you. In Greek and Roman mythology, when you died, you would have to pay the toll to Charon, the boatman who ferried you across to the gates of judgment. This made sure the dead came to atone for what they did during their lives, Detective Dollypoposkallius.

Detective Dolly:
Jesus, you're the first one that ever got that!

Paul Smecker:
Yeah, well, I'm an expert in … nameology!

Connor:
[picking out weapons and gear] Do you know what we need, man? Some rope.

Murphy:
Absolutely. What are you, insane?

Connor:
No, I ain't. Charles Bronson's always got rope.

Murphy:
What?

Connor:
Yeah. He's got a lot of rope strapped around him in the movies, and they always end up using it.

Murphy:
You've lost it, haven't you?

Connor:
No, I'm serious.

Murphy:
Me too. That's stupid. Name one thing you gonna need a rope for.

Connor:
You don't f***ing know what you're gonna need it for. They just always need it.

Murphy:
What's this "they" sh*t? This isn't a movie.

Connor:
Oh, right. [picks up large knife out of Murphy's bag] Is that right, Rambo?

Murphy:
All right. Get your stupid f***ing rope.

Connor:
I'll get my stupid rope. I'll get it. This is a rope right here.

[After crawling aimlessly around in the air ventilation]

Murphy:
Where the f*** are you going?

Connor:
Shh, I'm figuring some sh*t out here.

Murphy:
Oh f*** you! I'm sweating my ass off dragging your f***ing rope around! Must weigh thirty pounds.

Connor:
Shh! We are doing some serious sh*t here, now get a f***ing hold of yourself!

Murphy:
Oh f*** you, I'm not the rope-toting Charlie Bronson wannabe that's getting us f***ing lost!

Connor:
Will you f***ing shut it!

[The two begin to fight in the air shaft]

Yakavetta:
I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.

Rocco:
Now? A joke? Uh … um, uh … a joke. Yeah, all right. Um … there's these, uh, three guys, uh … a-a-a-a spic, a-a-a-a white guy and a black guy.

Yakavetta:
N*gger.

Rocco:
Yeah, n-n… yeah. And-and they walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, you know, "You wish for anything you want." So, he asks, uh-uh, Mexican what-what he wants, and he goes, uh, uh, "I want, uh, all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico." And so, genie - poof! And all the spics are in Mexico. And then he asks the black guy …

Vincenzo Lipazzi:
N*gger.

Rocco:
Yeah, that's what I said. Goes to the, uh-uh, n*gger, says, uh, "What do you want?" And he goes, um, uh, "I want all my African - my n*gger brothers in America to be back in Africa, and-and happy and everything." You know? So, genie goes poof! And, um, all the n*ggers in America are in Africa. And, uh, uh, uh, this is go - I'm not funny today. I-I know. I'm havin' a hard day. I-I-I - this joke sucks. It's-it's-it's a stupid joke.

Yakavetta:
Continue the joke.

Rocco:
So the genie says to the white guy, uh, um, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy goes, "You mean to tell me all the n*ggers and spics are out of America?" Genie goes, "Yeah." He says, "Well, um, I'll have a Coke, then."

[After a long pause followed by much laughter]

Yakavetta:
Tell me one more.

Rocco:
What?

Murphy:
We're sorta like 7-Eleven. We're not always doing business, but we're always open.

Connor:
That is nicely put.

[Smecker gets a phone call in bed with his gay lover and slaps him]

Paul Smecker:
What are you doing?

Hojo:
I just wanted to cuddle.

Paul Smecker:
Cuddle? What a fag.

Rocco:
[seeing a room full of mobsters killed by Connor and Murphy] F***in' … what the f***in' f*** … who the f*** … f*** this f***in' … how did you two f***in' f***s … f***!

Connor:
Well, that certainly illustrates the diversity of the word.

Il Duce:
You people have been chosen to reveal our existence to the world. You will witness what happens here today, and you will tell of it later... all eyes to the front. [To the woman] You must watch dear, it'll all be over soon.

Connor:
Now you will receive us.

Murphy:
we do not ask for your poor, or your hungry.

Connor:
we do not want your tired and sick.

Murphy:
It is your corrupt we claim.

Connor:
It is your evil that will be sought by us.

Murphy:
With every breath, we shall hunt them down.

Connor:
Each day we will spill their blood, 'til it rains down from the skies.

Murphy:
Do not kill. Do not rape. Do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace.

Connor:
These are not polite suggestions. These are codes of behavior, and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost.

Murphy:
There are varying degrees of evil. We urge you lesser forms of filth, not to push the bounds and cross over, into true corruption, into our domain.

Connor:
For if you do, one day you will look behind you and you will see we three, and on that day you will reap it.

Murphy:
And he will send you to whatever god you wish.

[Murphy and Conner join II Duce behind Yakavetta]

Connor, Murphy and Il Duce:
And shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be.

Il Duce:
In nomine Patris …

Connor:
… et Filii …

Murphy:
… et Spiritus Sancti.

[They execute Yakavetta]

Ivan Checkov:
I am Ivan Checkov, and you will be closing now.

Murphy:
Checkov? Well, this here's McCoy. We find a Spock, we got us an away team.

Checkov:
Me in no mood for discussion. You, you stay. The rest of you, go now.

Doc:
Why don't you make like a tree, and get the f*** outa hea!

Connor:
You know he's got til the weeks end, right? You don't have to be hard asses, do ya?

Murphy:
It's St. Paddy's Day, everyone's Irish tonight. Why don't you just pull up a stool and have a drink with us?

Checkov:
This is no game! If you won't go... we will make you go.

Donna:
You killed my... my...

Rocco:
Your what?

Donna:
My...

Rocco:
Your f***in' what? Huh? Your what, b*tch?

Rocco:
[puts gun to his own head] I'll shoot myself in the head, you can tell me that cat's name! Go ahead! Your what? Your precious, little...

Rayvie:
Skippy! Skippy!

Rocco:
Oh, Jesus! What color was it, b*tch?

Rayvie:
Don't you f***ing yell at her like that you prick!

Rocco:
[turns gun on Rayvie] Shut your fat ass, Rayvie! I can't buy a pack of smokes without runnin' into nine guys you f***ed!

Paul Smecker, F.B.I.:
Cuddle? What a fag.