Meet Dave

Captain:
I am Dave Ming Chang.

No. 3 - Cultural Officer:
I am Dave Ming Chang.

Various crew members:
I am Dave Ming Chang. [etc]

No. 4 - Security Officer:
And I am Johnny Dazzle!

[everyone stares at him.]

No. 4 - Security Officer:
What? Not everyone has to be Dave Ming Chang.

Gina Morrison:
[Dave is looking at a picture of Gina's late husband.] Captain?

Dave:
Yes?

Gina Morrison:
That's my husband. He was a captain with the Navy.

Dave:
I am a captain.

Gina Morrison:
Really? A captain of what?

[Inside the ship, Number 3 looks something up.]

Dave:
I am a captain of crunch.

[in an alley outside Gina's apartment sometime after she hits Dave with her car]

Gina Morrison:
Hi, are you all right? Because you just ran off!

Captain:
Contact, everyone! Our first verbal encounter! [into microphone] Thank you for your concern.

Dave:
[speaks with extremely high pitch; bottles explode in background]

Captain:
It's way too high! More bass!

Dave:
[speaks in extremely low pitch]

Captain:
Level the frequency!

Dave:
[speaking perfectly] I'm all better now.

Josh:
[to Gina] How hard did you hit this guy?

Police Sergeant:
Knox, Dooley, got a report on some kind of fireball or something like that over on Liberty Island. Check it out.

Dooley:
A fireball? Ho, we'll get right on it.

Knox:
Sarg, can't you get somebody else to handle it? Come on, we just pulled an all-nighter.

Police Sergeant:
[sarcastically] Aw, I'm so sorry, Mr. Knox. Tell you what, lie down in my office and I'll come by with your blankie and you can get yourself a nice nap.

Dooley:
Come on, this is gonna be great, a fireball? How often do we get a call like that?

Knox:
Do me a favor, OK? Act like a cop and stop caring.

[after hitting Dave with her car.]

Gina Morrison:
Please don't be dead.

[first lines]

Department of Defense worker:
Dude, dude...no, I was like..."Yes, we *do* have nuclear missiles", and he was all like "No, you don't", and I was all like "Yes, we do." "Whatever." And I was like "Well, what part of 'whatever' do you not get?"

Captain:
Lieutenant Bottoms, what is your status?

Lieutenant Bottoms:
Captain, we had a small gas leak. It was silent, but not deadly.

Captain:
Number 3, do we have significant linguistic information to communicate with these natives?

No. 3 - Cultural Officer:
Yes, I tapped into their central planetary database named "Google."

Captain:
What a frivolous name for such a vital function.

No. 3 - Cultural Officer:
Well, if you prefer, there's another called "Ya Hoo."

Captain:
Baffling!

[Gina holds Josh's head, kissing him repeatedly as he struggles]

No. 2 - 2nd In Command:
See how she squeezes the smaller one's skull despite his protests. Such brutality!

Gina Morrison:
I'm Gina, by the way. Gina Morrison. [pauses, waiting for him to tell her his name.] And you are?

Captain:
3?

No. 3 - Cultural Officer:
This is a list of the most common names on this planet.

Captain:
My name is...

Dave:
Ming Chang.

Gina Morrison:
Ming Chang? [laughs] Sorry, sorry, you just struck me more like a "Dave" or something.

Dave:
Which happens to be my other name.

Gina Morrison:
Dave...Ming Chang?

Dave:
Dave Ming Chang.

Gina Morrison:
Dave, I feel just terrible about this whole thing...uh, and I was gonna have some breakfast. Would you like to join me?

Dave:
No, I really have to be going now.

Gina Morrison:
Are you sure? I mean, I sort of have a rule that when I hit somebody with my car, I need to make them breakfast!

[she laughs, Dave doesn't.]

Gina Morrison:
That was a joke.

Dave:
[blankly] Hahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahaha ahaha ha hahahahahahahaha. Woo-hoo, woo!

Gina Morrison:
So, where are you from? Do you live around here?

Dave:
Yes, of course. I am just a regular person from right here on Earth, just like you. I just don't get out that much.

Gina Morrison:
Yeah, judging from your suit, I'd say since about 1978. [laughs]

Captain:
Note: all-white apparel is not as standardized as we thought.

Gina Morrison:
[laughing] You late for a Bee Gees concert or something?

Dave:
Bee Gees. Barry, Robin and Maurice. The brothers Gibb. Winning ten Grammy Awards and selling over 100 million records.

Dave:
[high-pitched, fast singing] Well, you can tell by the way I can use my walk / I'm a woman's man, no time to talk / Eh, Eh, Eh, Eh, Stayin' Alive / Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

[they finish watching "It's a Wonderful Life."]

Captain:
[crying] "Lasso the moon". Physically impossible!

No. 3 - Cultural Officer:
[crying] Absurd.

[Dave is dancing with Gina]

No. 2 - 2nd In Command:
Sir, we already have the orb. There's no need to continue this charade.

Captain:
Not now, Number 2! I'm trying to let the music take me!

[taking charge of Dave through mutiny and doing a lot of damage to the city]

No. 2 - 2nd In Command:
Sometimes Number 2 happens!

[Number 17 has jumped out of Dave's ear and fallen into a cup of coffee after Number 2 takes over Dave and goes crazy]

Dooley:
Are you...with Dave?

No. 17:
No, no, no, I come free with a vente latte!

[last lines]

No. 3 - Cultural Officer:
I didn't think we'd make it out of there, Captain. Good thing you have such big feet.

Captain:
We'll have much to explain when we return home.

No. 3 - Cultural Officer:
We'll find another way to save Nil. There are plenty of worlds out there for us to explore.

Captain:
Yes, Number 3. But what we learned on Earth is more valuable than all the salt in the galaxy. And when we do return, it looks like I'll be needing a new Number 2.

No. 3 - Cultural Officer:
I think you'll be needing more than that.

[they kiss; the crew cheers]

Captain:
Cue the new anthem.

Dave:
Welcome to Old Navy.

Dave:
We have got to get out of here.