Don Jon

Jon:
[as his computer chimes while turning on] Yeah. Not gonna lie. This sound - gets me hard as a f***in' rock. But I don't like to go too fast right off the bat. Yeah, I'd rather work my way into it, nice and easy. So I start off with some stills. Then, once I'm gettin' into it, I start lookin' for a video. I never actually touch my cock til I find the right clip. Then, once I do, goodbye. For the next few minutes, all the bullshit fades away and the only thing in the world is those tits, dat ass, the blowj*b... the cowboy, the doggie, the money shot and that's it. I don't gotta say anything, I don't gotta do anything. I just f***in' lose myself. There's only a few things I really care about in life. My body. My pad. My ride. My family. My church. My boys. My girls. And my porn. I know, the last one sounds weird, but I'm just bein' honest. Nothin' else does it for me the same way, not even real p*ssy. And...why do you think my boys call me 'The Don'?"

Jon:
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been one week since my last confession. Since last Sunday I had sexual relations out of wedlock two times. I also watched pornographic videos and masturbated seventeen times. For these, and all the sins in my life, I am sorry.

Jon:
This f***in' lady! Now I don't usually like it when a girl looks me right in the eye, and this girl does that a lot. But I don't know what it is about her, when she does it, I don't mind. I just look right back at her, and pretty soon, I'm hard as a f***in' rock. It's like she knows what I'm thinkin', or I know what she's thinkin'. I don't know, it's a two-way thing. F***in' love it! And I don't mean love like, oh I love her or wanna marry her, definitely not thinkin' about all that sh*t. And she's not either... she can't. I guess I just mean love like, you know like... we're making love. And while we're doing it, all the bullshit does fade away, and it's just me and her right there, and yeah I do lose myself in her. And I can tell she's losing herself in me. And we're just f***in'... lost together.

Jon:
I don't watch too many movies. I used to watch them a lot when I was little kid, before I could get my hand on any porn. 'Cause back then, if I wanted to see a really hot girl, my best bet was to watch a movie. Now, I don't really see the point. I dunno, I must be missin' out on somethin', because most people...eat that sh*t up. The pretty woman, the pretty man, love at first sight, the first kiss, the break-up, the make-up, the expensive wedding, and then they ride off into the sunset. And everyone knows it's fake, but they watch it like it's real, f***in' life!

Esther:
If you wanna lose yourself, you have to lose yourself to another person. And she has to lose herself to you. It's a two-way thing.

Barbara:
Movies and porno are different, Jon! They give awards for movies!

Don Jon:
And they give awards for porn too.

Danny:
Listen, I don't like more than a handful of titty. No, no, no, no, no. No. A nice handful, I love it, but more than that, it's like, no! Sh*t starts to remind me of my mom or something.

Don Jon:
Jesus Christ!

Bobby:
Yeah, your mom do got some big-ass titties.

Danny:
Don't talk about my mother.

Bobby:
You brought up your mother.

Barbara:
Don't talk about vacuuming in front of me, come on!

Don Jon:
Why, what's wrong?

Barbara:
Why? Because it's not sexy, that's why!

Angela:
[after meeting Barbara] I love her! I love her!

Jon Sr.:
Pretty good, huh? Not bad at all!

Everyone loves a happy ending.

There's more to life than a happy ending.

Monica:
[After Jon breaks the news to his parents about his break-up with Barbara] Well, maybe it's all for the better.

Angela:
What are ya saying?

Monica:
All I'm saying is that girl, had her own agenda. She didn't care about Jon, she didn't even know the first thing about him! She just wanted to go out with someone she knew would do what she told him too. It is a good thing that you two are no longer together.

Jon:
Thanks.

Barbara [after passionately kissing Jon]:
Jon...

Jon:
What?

Barbara:
I can't let you come inside just yet...

Jon:
Why?

Barbara [talking in a low voice and seductively]:
'Cause I don't know what that would mean, you know?... I don't wanna do anything unless it means something... Don't you think it's always better when it means something?

Jon:
Yeah... [keeps kissing her]

Barbara:
I think you should go back to school, baby...

Jon [stops kissing her, shocked]:
What?

Barbara [suddenly turns around and slowly begins to dry hump on Jon]:
Yeah, come on, just a night class... get your degree...

[Jon groans]

Barbara [in between thrusts]:
You'd be so sexy in a real job... so what'd ya say? You, me and our friends go out sometime?

Jon:
Yeah...

Barbara:
And our families meet... huh, yeah?

Jon:
Yeah!

Barbara [starts thrusting a little harder]:
And you take one class for me, baby? One little class? Huh? Yeah? Yeah?

Jon:
Yeah, oh!

Barbara:
And after that, baby, are you gonna f*** me in my tight ass, baby? Please?

Jon [close to climax]:
Jesus!

Barbara:
And maybe come on my face? Huh, Jon? Do you wanna come at my face?

Jon:
Oh, yes!

Barbara:
Then come on, baby! Come for me! Cum! Cum! Cum...

Don Jon:
See? This is what I'm sayin; real p*ssy is good, but, I'm sorry, it's not as good as porn. Tits? Great. Ass? Great. Blowj*b? Sure, it's f***in' fantastic in person-if she'll do it. But in real life, if you wanna get head, you gotta give head. And I know, some guys love eating p*ssy, but the thing about those guys is THEY'RE F***IN' CRAZY! Don't get me wrong, I like a good p*ssy eating clip, but from down here, there's nothing good about this. And if she finally does decide to do you the big favor...she's in a f***in' hurry. Now, when it comes to the actual f***ing, first of all, condoms are terrible, they just are! But, you gotta wear one, 'cause, unlike porn, real p*ssy can kill you. Second of all, missionary is the worst position in all of f***ing! The tits lie flat, you can't see her ass-you can't really touch her ass, 'cause she's lyin' on her back. They don't want to do it from behind, 'cause they wanna look at you. Basically, it's all me doin' all the work. Money shot? No, there is no real life Money shot! Real girls won't do that sh*t! You just cum through the f***in' condom! So, you tell me: which looks better? This? [a clip of him having sex with a girl] Or THIS? [a clip of his porn]

Don Jon:
Alright, I'll admit: there are some downsides. Like, there's some times you find a great clip with a hot chick, and right as you're startin' to cum, it shows the guy. It's not much of a fault, really, but it still sucks, so... also, now adays, you got so much to choose from, so, finding the right clip takes a lot of time. And my time is precious to me. Yeah, I got sh*t to do, so...and, every once in a while, you find a clip that's so good, it's f***in' depressing. You think to yourself, "why can't real p*ssy be like THIS?" And, I smash new girls, all the f***in' time, always an 8, or better, and it's STILL never this good! What am I doin' wrong? Maybe it's time to try somethin' new, so...

Don Jon:
I'm in love with Barbara. I am. And tonight, I FINALLY got to f*** her. But I'm sorry to say, it's STILL not as good as porn. Tits-best ever. Ass-best ever. Blowj*b-good luck. A girl that hot- she don't need to give head. For her, she just wants to go from kissing, to naked kissing, to f***ing, you know, "making love." And, by "making love," I mean, "missionary f***ing." No doggy, no cowboy...

Barbara:
[dry-humping Jon] 'Cause I don't know what that would mean, you know?... I don't wanna do anything unless it means something... Don't you think it's always better when it means something?...You'd be so sexy in a real job... so what'd ya say? You, me and our friends go out sometime?... And our families meet... huh, yeah?... And you take one class for me, baby? One little class? Huh? Yeah? Yeah?... and after that, are you gonna f*** me in my tight ass, baby? Please?...and maybe come in my face?... Huh, Jon? You wanna come at my face?... then come on baby, cum for me! Cum, cum, cum...