Failure to Launch

Kit:
I smell something. Do you smell something?

Paula:
Oh, Tripp and I had crab today.

Kit:
No, that's not it. I smell... fun.

Paula:
What?

Kit:
You are a dirty little fun-haver.

Kit:
You couldn't be more wrong if you called it a Canadian Goose.

Ace:
I'll give you a Canadian Goose.

[she slaps him, then a moment later, grabs him and kisses him passionately]

Kit:
Shut up, you whore!

Paula:
[sipping champagne] Oh I'm sorry, was I sipping too loudly for you?

Kit:
No, you were not sipping too loudly. It's that goddamn bird outside my goddamn window!

Paula:
Oh.

Kit:
What the hell kind of devil bird chirps at night?

Paula:
Come on, Tripp. Please, you don't understand.

Tripp:
You're right. Now, hold on. I don't know what your daily rate is, [handing $300 to Paula] but that's everything I've got in my wallet. There's three hundred dollars.

Paula:
Oh, come on, Tripp!

Tripp:
It should be good for tonight, especially since we didn't have sex.

Paula:
Please, Tripp, let me just explain to you.

Tripp:
Get the f*** outta my car.

Kit:
Yeah, everyone from work went to T.G.I. Friday's, but I don't really like that place. Or anyone I work with.

Paula:
Oh good, so then we can stay in and watch one of those drinking movies you like.

Kit:
[sarcastically] Yeah!

Paula:
Hey, hey.

Kit:
Hey, Paula. Good news. It's Champagne Thursday.

Paula:
It's Friday.

Kit:
Uh, yeah, Thursday came twice this week.

Paula:
For the third straight week.

Kit:
There's talk of making it permanent.

Paula:
Oh, kind of like Daylight Saving's Time?

Kit:
Right, but for booze.

Al, Sue:
[Sitting naked together in a recliner, singing] Hit the road, "Tripp", and don't ya come back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road, "Tripp", and don't ya come back no more.

Jim The Gun Salesman:
[persuading Kit not to buy a large gun and bullet to shoot a mockingbird] Well for one, there's the book, "To Kill A Mockingbird"...

Kit:
Oh... A copy that, too, right here!

Demo:
Deception's a poison. It's like margarine.

Tripp:
[has just agreed to go out to lunch with her the next day] Hey, wait - tomorrow's Saturday.

Paula:
[perplexed] ... Sometimes I eat on Saturday.

Paula:
[of "her" supposedly dying dog] What's his real name, anyway?

Veterinarian:
I don't know. I just clean their teeth and chop their balls off.

[the dog whimpers]

Tripp:
'Cause it's going to take a stick of dynamite to get me out of my parents' house.

Tripp:
[at the top of a mountain, when Ace appears] Well, hey there, Ace. Glad you could make it, man. We thought you went home.

Ace:
[dropping to the ground, exhausted] I fell into a deep, dark crevasse. I was so scared.

Ace:
So, is Kit short for Katherine?

Kit:
Yes. Is Ace short for... Ace-a-rooney?

Ace:
And at least I'm not sponging off my parents so I can afford to get laid on every continent.

Demo:
Whoa, whoa... I'm a ramblin' man, I'm a tumble weed, I'm a seeker of truth!

Boatyard Couple:
Guys who drink Kalua and cream are not power guys!

Paula:
The tall one just got fired from Kinko's.

Tripp:
Do you have real feelings?

Paula:
Of course I have real feelings!

Tripp:
For what?

Paula:
For you! And believe me I did not want that because I had a good life before you. Well, not good... but... it was okay. Well... it was empty actually, but at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Where as now... because of you... I am acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.

[Paula pretends to be the girlfriend of one of her clients, as they sit in a coffee shop]

Paula:
Hey, I mean, come on. Look at you. You're smart, you're attractive, you love the original "Star Wars" trilogy because it's all about storytelling, and myth, before C.G.I. ruined everything. I mean, come on. What girl wouldn't want to be with you?

Techie Guy:
A shocking number, actually.

Paula:
Well, you know what? It's their loss. You show me a guy who loves Empire and I'll show you a guy who's not afraid of his imagination. Like when Luke gets to the cave and he asks Yoda what's in there and Yoda says...

Techie Guy:
[imitating Yoda's voice with Star Wars music playing in the background] ... Only what you take with you.

Paula:
But he goes in anyway, because he's not afraid of his own mind!

Techie Guy:
He's walking the path of the Jedi, that's why.

Paula:
That's you! You're Luke!

Tripp:
I do sleep well at night.

Ace:
On a twin bed, with Superman sheets that you've had since you were six.

Tripp:
As opposed to you, who sleeps in a King-sized bed in your mother's basement.

Ace:
It's orthopedic, and I need it.

Al:
[walking in on Tripp and Melissa having sex] Tripp, as long as you're up son... Oh...

Tripp:
Oh, come on, Pop! Whoa, man. Don't you knock?

Al:
What? Your momma's... Snoring like a rhino. And then this music got started... Hey, you must be Melody.

Melissa:
Melissa.

Al:
Oh! It's Melissa! It's Melissa. Okay. Alright. Y'all have a good time.

Tripp:
Night, Pop.

Melissa:
You live with your parents?

Tripp:
Is that a problem?

Melissa:
Are you kidding me?

Ace:
The point is, my friend, you are afraid of love.

Tripp:
Bullshit. No, no, no, no, no, man. I'm not afraid of love. I love love. Look, I've had a lot of girlfriends, right? And sometimes I'm the rebound guy. Other times, when I get lucky, I'm the "explore new areas of your sexuality" guy. But every single time, we have fun. Thank you. I have fun, they have fun. It's good for me, it's good for them. And I would argue that it's damn good for civilization as a whole.

Demo:
And yet, in America, we're shunned for our lifestyle.

Tripp:
When we should be celebrating our lifestyle. We are men who still live at home.

Demo:
Yes.

Tripp:
We're not here to apologize about who we are, and how we do it, and who we live with.

Demo:
No!

Tripp:
I'm looking around this table, hombres, and I see three winners. And to every one of those out there who sees something different, I say bring it on!

Al:
The boy's thirty-five years old!

Sue:
It's just not fair.

Al:
Thirty-five years!

Sue:
We were good parents and now we're supposed to be done!

Male BBQ Guest #1:
Hey, I don't blame my kid for staying. Our place is much nicer than anything he can afford.

Male BBQ Guest #2:
Well, our son's a flight attendant. He travels so much, it doesn't make any sense to have his own apartment.

Sue:
Yeah...

Female BBQ Guest:
Plus, he has a lot of pilot friends who let him stay over.

Al:
Tripp meets a new girl every week.

Bud:
Well, let's just say, maybe he hasn't met the right girl.

Al:
We ain't buying that chair.

Sue:
I am getting this polka-dot chair. I've got my own money.

Al:
Unless you start dancing again, you're broke.

Paula:
I'm Paula.

Tripp:
I'm Tripp.

Paula:
You know, usually I don't sleep with someone on the first date.

Tripp:
I don't think this counts as a first date.

Paula:
It would be a date if you asked me to have a drink tonight.

Tripp:
You wanna have a drink tonight?

Paula:
Can't. [pause] How about lunch tomorrow?

Paula:
Based on the initial personality assessment, I think that I can have your son moved out of this house and living in his own by June fifteenth.

Al:
Hallelujah!

Paula:
Look, many young men who should be able to move out, simply can't. It's called "failure to launch". And that's where I come in. Young men develop self-esteem best during a romantic relationship, so I simulate one. We have a memorable meeting. We get to know each other over a few casual meals, he helps me through an emotional crisis, then I meet his friends, if he has any... Then I let him teach me something... But the bottom line is, he bonds with me. He lets go of you. He moves out.

Al:
But how do you make sure that he'll fall in love with you?

Paula:
You like nice, you find out what they like, and then you pretend to like it, too.

Sue:
That is pretty much how it works.

Al:
What about sex?

Paula:
Al, I never have sex with a client. Besides, I need to keep Tripp motivated, and let's face it, after men have sex...

Sue:
Is there anything that we need to do?

Paula:
Well, for starters, you could make life a little more difficult for him. You know, more chores, more responsibilities, that kind of thing.

Sue:
I just think you should know that Tripp has had some rough breaks.

Paula:
I promise you, when this is over, Tripp is going to be an independant, self-sufficient adult.

Tripp:
Shut up, dude! Don't help him!

Sue:
[to Tripp] And your bathroom needs cleaning, so I left the stuff in the hall. And when you're done with the rubber gloves, just remember to turn them inside out. Bye.

Demo:
Something's wrong with your mom.

Mr. Axelrod:
You're going to let her walk away?

Tripp:
I'm giving her space, Mr. Axelrod. Now, I'm going after her.

Tripp:
We've been out one time. She's a nice girl, I'm a nice guy, we had fun. And I must tell you, son, nothing is doomed.

Tripp:
[trying to feed a chipmunk a chocolate bar] You want a treat from the big city boy?

Demo:
He's not a child, Tripp. Look how peaceful he is.

Tripp:
Come here, little boy. You want a little bit of chocolate, baby-boo-boo?

Demo:
You're giving him a Power Bar?

Tripp:
Everybody loves chocolate. Baby-boo-boo?

Demo:
Tripp, he's saying no.

Tripp:
Look into my eyes.

Demo:
He's saying no, Tripp.

Tripp:
Baby-boo-boo? [chipmunk bites Tripp's hand] Aaow!

Tripp:
I take it you like Japanese food?

Paula:
Oh, I love it. I'm also gonna order a huge desert, drink too much, and maybe talk about my old boyfriends.

Tripp:
Yeah?

Paula:
Does that intimidate you?

Tripp:
Not at all.

Paula:
I had a nice time.

Tripp:
I did, too.

Paula:
Good.

Tripp:
I had fun.

Paula:
Good.

Kit:
[screaming at the bird outside] Shut up! Shut up you crazy bastard bird b*tch!

Paula:
Hey, Kit.

Kit:
What? Hi. Can you guys see me?

Paula:
Yeah.

Tripp:
Yeah.

Kit:
Oh, great.

Tripp:
What?

Paula:
Dinner and a show. [kisses him] Goodnight.

Tripp:
Goodnight.

Paula:
[about the dog] He saved my life you know.

Veterinarian:
He did?

Paula:
And now I can't do anything for him, and I...

Paula:
I'm so glad you're here. [about her dog] Can I have a minute alone with him? [Tripp leaves. To the Vet] Emotional crisis day is so critical. I cry, he cries. It totally bonds us. So how long do you think he's going to sleep for?

Paula:
So do it. Buy a crummy old boat. Who cares, as long as you're out there.

Tripp:
' Well, I'm working on it. Thing is, you gotta be ready. I mean, it's a big commitment. And if you're not ready, you just end up, well, a lonely guy with a big boat payment.

Paula:
Who says you have to be lonely?

Paula:
[to Kit] Oh, Tripp is just cruising through the steps. In fact, I think tomorrow I'm gonna let him teach me something.

Paula:
Who's laughing now?

Tripp:
It's over. She's gotta go.

Ace:
You're dumping Paula?

Demo:
What happened?

Tripp:
Same thing that always happens. Everything is going along nice and smooth, we're having a good time, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, she gets serious. I hate to say it, boys, but it is time to take the girl home.

Paula:
So, you live with your parents?

Tripp:
Is that a problem?

Paula:
No. Not for me.

Sue:
I don't know what to tell you, honey, but that strict program of yours?

Paula:
Mmm-mmm...

Sue:
You're gonna have to start deviating. He's breaking up with you.

Paula:
What?

Sue:
The only reason he ever brings girls home to meet us is 'cause he's getting ready to dump them.

Paula:
Really? Well, that's not happening.

Paula:
Do you know that I have a contract? I-I-I have... I have fiduciary responsibilities to uphold.

Kit:
From a fiduciary standpoint, would you say that you had an orgasm?

Paula:
[shocked] Oh!

Demo:
What are you gonna do now?

Tripp:
I don't know. I'm in uncharted waters here, boys.

Kit:
[finding out that Paula has set her up with Ace] No.

Paula:
It's just coffee. You don't have to marry him.

Kit:
First of all, that's the geeky computer guy. It's bad enough I have to go out with a loser who still lives with his mom, but you led me to believe that it was the handsome minimum-wage slacker.

Paula:
No, I don't, I don't think that I did that.

Jeffrey:
My teacher, Miss Kramer has a girlfriend.

Paula:
Oh, that's nice.

Jeffrey:
She's a lesbian.

Paula:
Oh, my God. I am the worst person in the world.

Kit:
Oh, hey, you're home. Great.

Paula:
I have to break up with Tripp. I'm... I'm terminating my contract, and... I can't do it.

Kit:
Look, I don't see why it's so complicated. You like Tripp. Tell Tripp you like him.

Tripp:
And the thing is, Mom, Dad, I've lived upstairs since I was three, and it's been great.

Tripp:
You're all getting what you wanted. Paula, you don't have to pretend to like me any more. And, Mom, Dad, you wanted me out of the house. I'm out.

Demo:
[to Tripp] You were bitten by a chuckwalla. That shouldn't have happened. It's a reptile of peace. I have a theory. This isn't the first time that nature's lashed out at you like this. I believe it's because your life is fundamentally at odds with the natural world.

Tripp:
Huh?

Demo:
Therefore, nature rejects you.

Tripp:
Dude, did you just drop me from a forty foot cliff? I mean, you want to talk about a friend, man. You went behind my back, and blackmailed your way into getting your girlfriend.

Demo:
He's right.

Ace:
I'm sorry I dropped you from a cliff.

Tripp:
It's okay.

Demo:
Granted, he used you, but not out of malice. Look at him. How many chances is he gonna get? He saw a chance for love, Tripp, and he took it. Which is exactly what we wanted for you.

Tripp:
Am I getting advice from my two loser buddies who still live at home?

Ace:
Actually, I own my home.

Demo:
What?

Tripp:
No, you don't.

Ace:
I bought it a couple of years ago from my Mom. That way, she has a place to live and I don't get nailed on the inheritance tax.

Demo:
Smart.

Tripp:
Wow.

Ace:
And Demo, here, has chosen the life of a wanderer. I mean, sure, he technically still lives at home.

Demo:
Yeah.

Ace:
But his permanent address is in his heart. He's a bum.

Demo:
I think what we're trying to say is that the two of us are happy, and we're perfectly functional.

Ace:
And you, Tripp, are not.

Tripp:
Hey, Pop?

Al:
Hey! Tripp. What are you doing here?

Tripp:
Just came by to get some stuff. What are you doing?

Al:
Feeding my fish.

Tripp:
Yeah. I see that. You're naked. In my room.

Al:
Well, this is my Naked Room. I mean, it's my house. A man ought to be able to do whatever he wants to do in his own house. Wore a suit for forty years.

Tripp:
So now we got forty years of...

Al:
No suit.

Tripp:
No suit. Alright. I'm gonna let you get back to feeding your fish.

Cafe Patron:
I don't usually like Reality T.V. shows, but this is so emotional.

Tripp:
So what do we do now?

Paula:
Actually, it's... it's quite simple. You just have to decide. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having fun? Or do you want to spend it with me?

Tripp:
Hmm...

Paula:
Shut up! Not everything you say is perfect.

Tripp:
We can have a little bit of fun, can't we? Huh?