The Gods Must Be Crazy

The Narrator:
It looks like a paradise, but it is the most treacherous desert in the world, the Kalahari. After the short rainy season there are many water holes, and even rivers. But after a few weeks, the water sinks away into the deep Kalahari sand. The water holes dry, and the rivers stop flowing. The grass fades to a beautiful blond colour that offers excellent grazing. But for the next nine months, there will be no water to drink. So most of the animals move away, leaving the blond grass uneaten.

The Narrator:
Humans avoid the Kalahari like the plague because man must have water. So the beautiful landscapes are devoid of people. Except for the little people of the Kalahari. Pretty, dainty, small and graceful, the Bushmen. Where any other person would die of thirst in a few days they live quite contentedly in this desert. They know where to dig for roots and bugs and tubers and which berries and pods are good to eat. Of course they know what to do about water. In the early morning,you can collect dewdrops from leaves that were carefully laid out the previous evening. Or a plume of grass can be a reservoir. If you have the know-how, a clump of twigs can tell you where to dig and you come to light with an enormous tuber. You scrape shavings off it with a stick that is split for a sharp edge. You take a handful of the shavings, point your thumb at your mouth and squeeze. They must be the most contented people in the world. They have no crime, no punishment, no violence, no laws no police, judges, rulers or bosses. They believe that the gods put only good and useful things on the earth for them.

The Narrator:
In this world of theirs, nothing is bad or evil. Even a poisonous snake is not bad. You just have to keep away from the sharp end. Actually, a snake is very good. In fact, it's delicious. And the skin makes a fine pouch.

The Narrator:
They live in the vastness of the Kalahari in small family groups. One family of Bushmen might meet up with another once in a few years. But for the most part, they live in complete isolation unaware there are other people in the world. In the deep Kalahari, there are Bushmen who have not heard of civilized man.

The Narrator:
Sometimes they hear a thundering sound when there are no clouds. They assume the gods have eaten too much and their tummies are rumbling. Sometimes they can even see the evidence of the gods' flatulence.

The Narrator:
Their language has an idiosyncrasy of its own. It seems to consist mainly of clicking sounds.

The Narrator:
They're very gentle people. They'll never punish a child or even speak harshly to it. So the kids are extremely well-behaved. Their games are cute and inventive.

The Narrator:
When the family needs meat the hunter dips his arrow in a brew that acts as a tranquilliser. When he shoots a buck, it feels a sting and the arrow drops out. The buck runs away, but soon it gets drowsy and it stops running. After a while, it goes to sleep. The hunter apologizes. He explains that his family needs the meat.

The Narrator:
The characteristic which really makes them different from all other races is that they have no sense of ownership at all. Where they live, there's nothing you can own. Only trees and grass and animals.

The Narrator:
These Bushmen have never seen a stone or a rock in their lives. The hardest things they know are wood and bone. They live in a gentle world, where nothing is as hard as rock, steel or concrete.

The Narrator:
Only 600 miles to the south, there's a vast city.And here you find civilized man. Civilized man refused to adapt himself to his environment. Instead he adapted his environment to suit him. So he built cities, roads, vehicles, machinery. And he put up power lines to run his labour-saving devices. But he didn't know when to stop. The more he improved his surroundings to make life easier the more complicated he made it. Now his children are sentenced to 10 to 15 years of school, to learn how to survive in this complex and hazardous habitat. And civilized man, who refused to adapt to his surroundings now finds he has to adapt and re-adapt every hour of the day to his self-created environment. For instance, if it's Monday and 7:30 comes up, you have to disadapt from your domestic surroundings and re-adapt yourself to an entirely different environment. 8:00 means everybody has to look busy. 10:30 means you can stop looking busy for 15 minutes. And then, you have to look busy again. Your day is chopped into pieces. In each segment of time you adapt to new circumstances.

The Narrator:
In the Kalahari, it's always Tuesday, or Thursday if you like. Or Sunday. No clocks or calendars tell you to do this or that.

The Narrator:
Lately, strange new things sometimes appeared in the sky. Noisy birds that flew without flapping their wings.

The Narrator:
One day, something fell from the sky. Xi had never seen anything like this in his life. It looked like water, but it was harder than anything else in the world. He wondered why the gods had sent this thing down to the earth. It was the strangest and most beautiful thing they had ever seen. They wondered why the gods had sent it to them. Pabo got his finger stuck in the thing and the children thought he was very funny. Xi tried the thing out to cure thongs. It had the right shape and weight. It was also beautifully smooth and ideal for curing snakeskin. And Pabo discovered you could make music on it. And every day they discovered a new use for the thing. It was harder and heavier and smoother than anything they'd ever known. It was the most useful thing the gods had ever given them. A real labour-saving device. But the gods had been careless. They had sent only one. Now, for the first time, here was a thing that could not be shared because there was only one of it. Suddenly, everybody needed it most of the time. A thing they had never needed before became a necessity. And unfamiliar emotions began to stir. A feeling of wanting to own, of not wanting to share. Other new things came. Anger, jealousy, hate and violence.

The Narrator:
The most inquisitive creature in Africa is the baboon. Xi said [to the baboon after it took away the Coca cola bottle], "That is a very evil thing you've got. You better give it back so I can take it and throw it off the earth. It brought unhappiness to my family. If you don't give it to me it'll bring grief to you and your family too." He spoke long and earnestly until the baboon began to pay attention. He must have convinced it, and it dropped the thing. And Xi said, "You have done a very wise thing.

The Narrator:
One day, a very noisy animal rushed past where Xi was sleeping. It left very peculiar tracks, as if two enormous snakes had slithered past.

The Narrator:
The rhino is the self-appointed fire-prevention officer. When he sees a fire, he rushes in and stamps it out.

The Narrator:
That morning, Xi saw the ugliest person he'd ever come across. She was as pale as something that had crawled out of a rotting log. Her hair was quite gruesome long and stringy and white, as if she was very old. She was very big. You'd have to dig the whole day to find enough food to feed her. Although it was a hot day, she was wearing skins that looked as if they were made from cobwebs. She was doing strange and magical things. It struck him that she must be one of the gods. He wondered what she was doing on earth. He was glad he met her. He'd give her the evil thing and go home to his family. He said tactfully that he didn't need the thing, and she could have it back. But she was very rude, and she walked away.

The Narrator:
There was another god. He had a fire inside him. The smoke came out through his mouth and nostrils. Xi said politely, "It was kind of you to send us this thing but it made my family unhappy. Please take it. "

The Narrator:
There was a peculiar sound, and Xi saw a most amazing animal approaching. It's legs went around instead of up and down. And there was a weird-looking god on its back. He wore blue skin on his head and red on his body. And hair grew on his face.

The Narrator:
The funny thing about these gods was that they couldn't speak. They made sounds like monkeys.

Andrew Steyn:
Miss Thompson, if you make a fire, and a rhinoceros sees it he comes and stamps it out. Rhinos do that. It's a most interesting phenomenon.

Andrew Steyn:
They're Tswanas. They always shake their heads when they mean to say yes.

Andrew Steyn:
That's a Wait-a-bit tree. You mustn't go near a Wait-a-bit tree. They grab you. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acacia_greggii)

Andrew Steyn:
I don't want to talk about it.

Frank:
Sir! Sir! Some people went through here. They didn't show me their passports and They smashed down the barrier. They've got guns. This is Frank speaking, Sir .

Frank:
I Stopped them. Sir!

Kate Thompson:
I don't want to talk about it.

Kate Thompson:
Are you scared it'll spoil your image if you admit you made a mistake?

Kate Thompson:
I noticed.

The Policeman:
Do you speak English? You are free to remain silent until you have seen your lawyer. But if you choose to speak now, whatever you say will be taken down as evidence against you.

Mpudi:
You don't want to talk about it, huh? Shame.

Mpudi:
I don't want to talk about it.

Mpudi:
And why are you so beautiful?

Mpudi:
You better do your thing before the pupils come.

Woman (at the Restaurant):
Does the noise in my head bother you?

Kate:
No.

Kate:
Still got that story about the teacher shortage in Botswana?

Pete:
Yeah. You gonna use it?

Kate:
No. Maybe they can use me.

Mpudi:
And why are you so beautiful?

Mr. Steyn:
I'm going to the school to give her these.

Mpudi:
You gonna look like that?

Mr. Steyn:
Like what?

Mpudi:
Like it's a funeral. You've gotta smile and tell her she looks good.

Mr. Steyn:
How are you an expert on women?

Mpudi:
I got seven wives. How many you got?

Mr. Steyn:
Why aren't you at home with them?

Mpudi:
I know how to marry them. Nobody knows how to live with them.

Mr. Steyn:
So, what did you marry them for?

Mpudi:
Someday I have to tell you the facts of life.

Mpudi:
You gonna look like that forever?

Mr. Steyn:
Like what?

Mpudi:
Like Jack Hind is better than you.

Mr. Steyn:
No, I'm going to talk to her.

Mpudi:
Tell her you were the big hero.

Mr. Steyn:
No, I can't do that. But I do want to talk to her. I'll tell her. I'll say, "Look, Miss Thompson. I know you think I'm an idiot but normally I'm quite normal. It's only when I'm in the presence of a lady that I... It's really just an interesting psychological phenomenon. If a man who is susceptible to a type of para-Freudian syndrome like this encounters a nubile female, what happens?"

Mpudi:
I suppose another big word happens.

Mr. Steyn:
Too erudite?

Mpudi:
Yeah, whatever that means.

Mr. Steyn:
Okay. I'll put it more simply. I'll say: "Look, Miss Thompson. Kate. Kate. It's really only an interesting psychological phenomenon." She'll understand that bit. She's a schoolteacher. Ill say, "When there's no lady present. I can catch an insect without hurting it." If she knew me better, she'd see I'm not a stumblebum. I need is a little practise. If I--

Mpudi:
Wait for me. You need moral support.

Mr. Steyn:
Morning, Miss Thompson.

Kate:
Morning.

Mr. Steyn:
How are you?

Kate:
Fine, thanks. How are you?

Mr. Steyn:
Fine, thanks, and how are you?

Kate:
I'm fine, thank you.

Mr. Steyn:
Kate. I know you think I'm an idiot but I'm not really like that. It's only when I'm around wom...Around you. I'm sorry. Normally, I'm quite normal. But whenever I'm in the presence of a lady my fingers turn into thumbs, my brain switches off.

Kate:
Watch it!

Mr. Steyn:
It's flour.

Kate:
I noticed.

Mr. Steyn:
It's actually, Actually, it's really only an interesting psychological phenomenon. Perhaps it's some Freudian syndrome. When I brought you your shoes, I came to apologise for the stupid things I did when I met you at Mabula. To explain that I'm not as stupid as that. But then, of course, I blew it, and I, So I don't blame you if you think But it's really only an interesting psychological. When you get to know me better, you'll see that I'm not always stumbling. It's really just an interesting psychological phenomenon.

Kate:
Yes, you are a very interesting psychological phenomenon. And I think you're very sweet.

At last, a comedy everyone can laugh with!

The critics are raving... the natives are restless... and the laughter is non-stop!

Kate:
Do you work here in Botswana?

Mr. Steyn:
Yes, I... yes.

Kate:
And what do you do?

Mr. Steyn:
Eh, I collect manure. Er, I...

Andrew Steyn:
She thinks I'm a lunatic and I don't blame her. You know she asked me what do I do? And I said I collect manure. I don't tell her that I analyze it for my doctoral thesis. I bet she thinks that I shovel the stuff.

The President:
Find him...and kill him...yourself.

Sam Boga:
You killed three, and wounded five, and you lost four.

Sam Boga:
Stop playing that bloody game.

Sam Boga:
[threatening the sergeant, while holding Kate Thompson at gunpoint] Sergeant, I'm going to walk due east from here to Motambe and I'm taking all these kids with me. If I see one truck, or one aeroplane, or one policeman, or one soldier, or one person, we'll mow these kids down.