The Great Mouse Detective

Basil of Baker Street:
Ratigan, no one can have a higher opinion of you than I have, and I think that you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!

Basil of Baker Street:
[everything gets turned off the band of Uniforms] Please! Quiet.

Basil of Baker Street:
There's always a chance, Doctor, as long as one can think.

Basil of Baker Street:
(of Ratigan) He's a genius, Dawson! A genius twisted for evil! The Napoleon of Crime!

Basil of Baker Street:
Not a corner of London is safe while Ratigan is at large. There's no evil scheme he wouldn't concoct, no depravity he wouldn't commit! Who knows what dastardly scheme that that villain may be plotting even as we speak!

Prof. Ratigan:
Poor Basil. Oh, he is in for a surprise!

Prof. Ratigan:
My friends, we are about to embark on the most odious, the most evil, the most diabolical scheme of my illustrious career! A crime to top all crimes, a crime that will live in infamy! [The henchmen cheered. Ratigan holds up a newspaper featuring the Queen's picture on the front page.] Tomorrow evening, our beloved monarch celebrates her Diamond Jubilee. And...with the enthusiastic help of our good friend, Mr. Flaversham... [The henchmen chuckles] it promises to be a night she will never forget! [burns her picture with his cigarette. The henchmen gasps in terror] Her last night...and my first, as supreme ruler of all mousedom! [The henchmen cheered.]

Prof. Ratigan:
[Rubbing his head, irritated] How dare that idiot Basil poke his stupid nose into my wonderful scheme and foul up everything!

Prof. Ratigan:
[explaining to Basil how the trap works] A record will play of a little thing I did just for you. When the song ends, the rope tightens, and the metal ball is released, rolling along its merry until... Snap! [gestures to gun] Boom! [gestures to crossbow] Twang! [gestures to ax] Thunk! [gestures to anvil] Splat!

Prof. Ratigan:
Fidget, you delightful little maniac!

Prof. Ratigan:
Bravo, Basil! A marvelous performance. Though frankly, I expected you 15 minutes earlier. Trouble with the chemistry set, old boy?

Prof. Ratigan:
There's no escape this time, Basil!

Prof. Ratigan:
Stay where you are. Or the girl DIES!!!!

Prof. Ratigan:
Oh, I love it when I'm nasty.

Prof. Ratigan:
[looks above the doorway to another barrel, where Fidget, the bat, is hanging from the faucet, sleeping] Fidget? [Fidget didn't wake up, so Ratigan screams in his ear.] FIDGET! [Startled, Fidget falls from his perch and rolls down the stairs at Ratigan's feet.] Bright and alert as always. [hands Fidget a list] Here's the list. You know what to do, and no mistakes!

The Queen:
(reading Ratigan's letter) "To our beloved Queen, this gift we send, as her sixty-year reign.... comes to an end?"

The Queen:
Ah, I just adore Jubilees.

Olivia:
[to Fidget] Stop! Lemme go! You ugly old thing! Help, lemme out! Lemme out!

Olivia:
[after the fight's over with Fidget, door closes, and the cupboard door, Olivia was put in, creaks open with big mess.] Daddy, where are you?! [goes to a window] Daddy... where are you?! DADDY!! [echoing noise] DADDY!!!

Olivia:
[to Ratigan] Just wait! Basil's smarter than you! He's going to put you in jail. [tugs on his tail to accent her next few insults.] He's not afraid of a big, old, ugly, rat like you.

Dawson:
[in voiceover] It was the eve of our good Queen's diamond jubilee, and the year her majesty's government came.... to the very brink of disaster. She- [chuckling] I'm getting ahead of myself! My name is Dr. David Q. Dawson, most recently of the Queen's 66th regiment. I had just arrived in London after lengthy service in Afghanistan, and was anxious to find a quiet place- preferably dry- where I could rest and find a little peace. Little did I know, that my life was about to change forever.

Dawson:
Excuse me, is this the residence of Basil of Baker Street?

Mrs. Judson:
[deep sigh] I'm afraid it is.

Dawson:
Now, wait just a moment. How the deuce did you know I was a doctor?

Basil:
A surgeon, to be exact. Just returned from military duty in Afghanistan. Am I right?

Dawson:
Why, ha-ha, yes. Maj. David Q. Dawson. But how could you possibly--?

Basil:
Quite simple, really. You've sewn your torn cuff together with a Lambert stich, which, of course, only a surgeon uses. And the thread is a unique form of cat-gut, easily distinguished by its peculiar pungency, found only in the Afghan provinces.

Dawson:
Amazing!

Basil:
Actually, it's elementary, my dear Dawson.

Dawson:
[to Olivia] The scoundrel's quite gone.

Basil:
Ah, but not for long, Miss Flamhammer!

Olivia:
Flaversham!

Basil:
Whatever.

Basil:
Now, hurry along, Dawson! We must be off to Toby's.

Dawson:
Toby's?

Basil:
Oh, you must meet him, he's just the chap for this.

Dawson:
You- You want me to come?

Basil:
Hah! I should think a stout-hearted army mouse like you would surely leap at the chance for adventure!

Dawson:
[chuckles] Well, I am rather curious.

Olivia:
Wait for me! I'm coming, too! [her hat and scarf knocks over Basil's violin in the process. He dives down to catch it]

Basil:
What?! Certainly not! [sets the violin back on the chair] This is no business for children.

Olivia:
Are we going to take a cab?

Basil:
[puts his hand on his forehead with a sigh as Olivia puts several crumpets into her pocket] My dear, I don't think you understand. It will be quite dangerous. [sits on his violin, snapping it in 2] Why you-! Look what- [restrains himself] Young lady, you are most definitely not accompanying us! And that is final!

[Hiram is programming the robot; Ratigan arrives from the shadows]

Ratigan:
[chuckles evilly] Quite an ingenious scheme, eh, Flaversham? And aren't you proud to be a part of it?

Hiram Flaversham:
This whole thing, i-i-i-it's monstrous!

Ratigan:
We will have our little device ready by tomorrow evening, won't we? [holds up his bell] You know what happens if you... fail.

Hiram Flaversham:
[angry] I don't care!

[Flaversham pulls the levers of the robot, causing it go haywire until it falls apart and spatters a drop of oil onto Ratigan's jacket, which he wipes off with handkerchief.

Hiram Flaversham:
You can do what you want with me! I won't be a part of this-this, this evil any longer.

[Pause]

Ratigan:
Oh, very well. If that is your decision. [noticed the wind-up doll Hiram Flaversham made for Olivia] Oh, by the way, I'm taking the liberty of having your daughter brought here. [he winds up the doll Hiram Flaversham to let it dance]

Hiram Flaversham:
Olivia?

Ratigan:
Yes. [he lets go of the wind-up doll to let it dance] Yes. I would spend many a sleepless night if anything unfortunate were to befall her.

Hiram Flaversham:
[understands what Ratigan is saying] Y-you wouldn't!

[Ratigan picks up the wind-up doll and squeezes it so hard, its head pops off.]

Ratigan:
[after a tense silence, then screams bloody murder] FINISH IT, FLAVERSHAM!!!

Henchmen:
[singing] Oh, Ratigan! Oh, Ratigan! You're tops, and that's that! To Ratigan! To Ratigan!

Bartholomew:
[drunk] To Ratigan, the world's greatest rat! [hiccups]

[Ratigan spits out a mouthful of wine in shock, gasping. The henchmen turn around, gasping in terror.]

Ratigan:
WHAT WAS [turns to Bartholomew] THAT?! What did you call me?!

Henchman #1:
Oh, he didn't mean it, professor!

Lizard Henchmen:
It was just a slip of the tongue!

Ratigan:
I AM NOT A RAT!!!!

Henchman #2:
'Course you're not. You're a mouse!

Hencman #1:
Yeah, that's right. A mouse!

Lizard Henchman:
Yeah, a big mouse!

Ratigan:
[screams bloody murder] SILENCE!!!

[Ratigan thrown Bartholomew out of the hideout.]

Ratigan:
Oh, my dear Bartholomew. I'm afraid you've gone and upset me. [Pulls a small bell out of his pocket] You know what happens when someone upsets me...

[The henchmen watch from the door, frightened as Ratigan rings the bell. They then look up and gasp in terror. Felicia, Ratigan's pet cat, hears the ringing of the bell and slowly walks up to Bartholomew]

Bartholomew:
[singing] Oh, Ratigan. Oh, Ratigan. You're the tops, and that's that. [hiccups] Whoops, dear. To Ratigan. To Ratigan. To Ratigan, the world's greatest-

[The henchmen tremble and gasp in fear as they see Bartholomew being eaten, while Ratigan nonchalantly smokes and watches. A gulp is heard. The henchmen quietly mourn their lost friend]

Ratigan:
[hugging Felicia] Oh, Felicia, my precious, my baby. Did Daddy's little honey-bun enjoy her tasty treat?

[Felicia burps. Ratigan's smile slowly collapses into a look of disgust. He turns back to his henchmen]

Ratigan:
I trust that there will be no further interruptions.

Basil:
[after Toby has picked up Fidget's scent] Miss Flamchester!

Olivia and Dawson:
Flaversham!

Basil:
Whatever. [hooks up Toby's leash] Your father is as good as found.

Ratigan:
Ah, the uniforms! Oh, Fidget, I knew I could rely on you. Now, you didn't forget anything?

Fidget:
No problem. I took care of everything. Everything on the list. [tries to display the list, but finds it's not there] Uh oh.

Ratigan:
What's wrong?

Fidget:
[searching himself, to no avail] The list, I, uh, uh, oh....

Ratigan:
Where's the list?

Fidget:
Well, you see, it was.... It was like this; [reenacting I was in the toy store, getting the uniforms, when I heard a 'Aroo! Aroo!'

Ratigan:
[irritated] You're not coming through.

Fidget:
[reenacting stil] A dog came. I ran I had a baby bonnet, girl in the bag, and Basil chased me!

Ratigan:
[shocked] What? BASIL ON THE CASE?! [yelling with fury] WHY, YOU GIBBERING LITTLE--! [groans as he holds his anger in and looks as if he's about to explode, then calms down and picks Fidget up] Oh, my dear Fidget. You have been hanging upside down too long.

Fidget:
You mean, you're not mad? I'm glad you're taking it so well.

[Ratigan takes Fidget behind a wall. A bell is heard ringing and screaming soon follows. Cut to Felicia holding a struggling Fidget in her paw, about to eat him]

Fidget:
Not me, you idiot! No, stop, you stupid furball! [He breaks free, but Felicia catches him and stuffs him into her mouth] Open up! Oh! Ay! Ah! Ooh! You're hurting my wing!

Ratigan:
How dare that idiot Basil pokes his stupid nose into my wonderful scheme and foul up everything!

Fidget:
[inside Felicia's mouth] Let me out! Let me out! Help!

Ratigan:
Oh, I can just see that insufferable grin on his smug face. [realizes something] Yes. Yes, I can just see it. Felicia, release him.

Fidget:
[inside Felicia's mouth] I'm too young to die!

[Felicia sulks for a moment, then spits out a battered Fidget]

Ratigan:
[holding Fidget up by his cheeks] Fidget, you delightful little maniac. You've presented me with a singular opportunity. [drops Fidget, feigning a look of concern] Poor Basil. Oh, he's in for a little surprise.

Basil:
[enraged] Ratigan, so help me.... [screams bloody murder] ....I'LL SEE YOU BEHIND BARS YET!!!!

Ratigan:
[also enraged] You fool! Isn't it clear to you that the superior mind has triumphed? I've won! [He, Fidget, and the rest of their posse start laughing at Basil] Ooh, I love it, I love it, I love it!

[Both Basil and Dawson are trapped by Ratigan, about to be mousetrapped, shot by a gun and arrow, chopped in half, and then crushed by an anvil, and Ratigan has just left for Buckingham Palace]

Basil:
How could I have been so blind?

Dawson:
Well, we all make mistakes, but we can't let that stop us. We have to.

Basil:
Ratigan's proved he's more clever than I. He never would have walked into such an obvious trap.

Dawson:
Oh, pull yourself together. You can stop that villain.

[The record begins to skip.]

Dawson:
Basil, the record!

Basil:
It's finally happened! I've been outwitted!

Dawson:
Basil, please!

Basil:
Beaten! Duped! Made a fool of! So ridiculed and belittled!

Dawson:
[finally loses his temper and screams bloody murder] THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!

[The record resumes playing.]

Dawson:
Dash it all, Basil. The Queen's in danger. Olivia's counting on us. We're about to be horribly splattered, and all you can do is lie there feeling sorry for yourself. I know you can save us, but if you've given up, then why don't we just set it off now and be done with it?!

Basil:
[weak chuckle] Set it off now. [slight pause, as his eyes go wide, and he realizes something] Set it.... off.... now? [suddenly regains his old confidence] Yes, ha-ha-ha, yes, we'll set the trap off NOW!!!!

Dawson:
Basil, wait. I didn't mean we'd--

[The marble starts falling as the record's done.]

Basil:
Angle of the trajectory, multiplied by the square root of an isosceles triangle.... [mutters] ....dividing Guttermeg's principle of opposing forces in motion, [continues to check himself] and adjusting for the difference in equilibrium.... [all this while the marble has been rolling closer and closer to their demise] Dawson, at the exact moment I tell you, we must release the triggering mechanism. Get ready Dawson, steady.... NOW!!!!

[Dawson screams and the trigger is released, but the bar traps the marble precisely, stopping the bar. A spring pops off, hits the gun which misfires into the crossbow. The bow is offset, hitting the axehead off and causing it to chop the mousetrap in half, freeing the two. Finally, the anvil crashes down, burying the ax, shaking the ground, and causing Olivia's bottle to shake and pop her out. Basil then whips off his disguise, and puts his detective outfit back on.]

Basil:
[very much better] Thank you, Dawson. [catches Olivia] Smile everyone!

[Their pictures are taken]

[At Buckingham Palace, the Mouse queen is preparing for her speech. Outside, the two guards at the door are knocked out by Ratigan's henchmen, dressed as the guards]

Henchman 1:
[As the other henchmen moves the box to the door] Psst! Over here. Come on. Over here.

[They knock on the door]

The Mouse Queen:
Come in.

Henchman 2:
Uh, begging your Majesty's pardon? A present has just arrived in honor of your jubilee.

The Mouse Queen:
A present? Oh, how wonderful! Oh, I just adore jubilees.

Fidget:
[Hands the queen a note] Here you are, sweetheart.

The Mouse Queen:
Have you been with us long? (reads the note sent with the present) "To our beloved Queen, this gift we send as her 60 year reign comes to an end"?

[Fidget and the henchmen open the box to reveal an exact duplicate of the Queen.]

The Mouse Queen:
How interesting.

[The Robot Queen activates and chases the real Queen around the room.]

The Mouse Queen:
Good gracious!

[The Robot Queen stops. We see Ratigan at the door with Hiram Flaversham at the controls]

Ratigan:
Amazing likeness, isn't it, Your Majesty?

The Mouse Queen:
Professor Ratigan! [To Ratigan's henchmen] Guards! Seize this despicable creature!

[Fidget and the henchmen do nothing except grin. Ratigan takes control of the Robot Queen]

Ratigan:
[As the Queen] Guards, seize this despicable creature.

[Ratigan cackles into the reciever while Fidget and the henchmen seize the Queen]

The Mouse Queen:
How dare you!

Ratigan:
Take her away. [Rings his bell, dooming the Queen to be a meal for Felicia]

The Mouse Queen:
Let go of me, you fiends!

Fidget:
Move along, honey!

The Mouse Queen:
You ruffians! [crying] Traitors!

[Ratigan reads an extremely long list of laws he intends to pass as the Queen's Royal Consort]

Ratigan:
Item 96: A heavy tax shall be levied against all parasites and spongers, such as the elderly, the infirm, and especially little children.

Crippled Old Mouse:
This is ridiculous! You're insane!

Ratigan:
Perhaps I haven't made myself clear.

[Ratigan grabs the crippled old mouse's crutch, jumps up on stage and snaps it in 2.]

Ratigan:
I have the power!

Robot Queen:
Of course you do.

Ratigan:
I am supreme!

Robot Queen:
Only you.

Ratigan:
THIS IS MY KINGDOM!!!! [laughs maniacally, then calms down] That is, of course, with your Highness's permission.

[The Robot Queen doesn't respond. Ratigan slaps it to get it going again]

Robot Queen:
Most assuredly.... you insidious fiend!

Ratigan:
[shocked] What?

Robot Queen:
You're not my royal consort!

Ratigan:
[to the crowd] What a sense of humour.

Robot Queen:
You're a cheap fraud and impostor!

Ratigan:
[aside] Flaversham!

[Cut to backstage, where we see Basil at the controls of the robot, Olivia and her father reunited and Fidget and the rest of Ratigan's minions tied up by Dawson and the real Queen]

Basil:
[controlling the Robot Queen] A corrupt, vicious, demented, lowlife scoundrel! There's no evil scheme you wouldn't concoct.

[The Robot Queen's head springs up and bites Ratigan on the nose. Ratigan tries in vain to keep the robot down]

Robot Queen:
No depravity you wouldn't commit.

[The Robot Queen rapidly starts flailing and falling apart until little remains but a pair of eyes and a set of teeth on a spring.]

Basil:
[Controlling the Robot Queen] You, Professor....

Robot Queen:
[as Ratigan starts to grow infuriated, seeing through the insults] ....are none other than a foul stenchus rodentus, commonly known as a--!

Ratigan:
DON'T SAY IT!

Basil:
[reveals himself] SEWER RAT!!!

Ratigan:
[screaming in anger upon hearing Basil]

Basil:
Arrest that fiend!

[Ratigan sees that Basil is behind him]

Olivia:
[to Ratigan] Just wait! Basil's smarter than you! He's going to put you in jail. [tugs on his tail to accent her next few insults.] He's not afraid of a big, old, ugly, rat like you.

Ratigan:
[being much stronger, easily takes his tail back.] Would you kindly sit down and SHUT UP?!

Fidget:
We have to lighten the load! [looks pointedly at Olivia]

Ratigan:
Ohh. You want to lighten the load. Excellent idea!

[Ratigan grabs Fidget and tosses him overboard]

Fidget:
[as he pitifully flutters in the air] No! Not me! Wait, I can't fly! I can't fly! [falls towards the river]

Ratigan:
[After knocking Basil off the clock hand, seemingly to his death] I'VE WON!!!! AHAHAHAHA!!!!

Basil:
On the contrary! The game's not over yet!

Olivia:
[hugs Basil] Goodbye, Basil. I'll never forget you.

Basil:
Nor I you, Miss--Miss Flangerhanger. [Olivia stares for a moment, then shakes her head, a smile on her face]

Dawson:
[chuckles] Whatever.

Dawson:
[closing lines in voiceover] From that time on, Basil and I were a close team, and over the years we had many cases together. But I shall always look back on that first with the most fondness: My introduction to Basil of Baker Street: The great mouse detective.

Dawson:
Now, wait just a moment. How the deuce did you know that I was a doctor?

Basil:
[grabs his pistol from Dawson and picks up one of bullets] A surgeon, to be exact. Just returned from military duty in Afghanistan. [blows a dust off the bullet and places it in his pistol, then closes it and looks at Dawson] Am I right?

Dawson:
Why, ha-ha, yes. [yanks his left jacket lapel to declare his name] Major David Q. Dawson. But how could you possibly--?

Basil:
Quite simple, really. [picks up Dawson's left arm to eye a stitch on his coat sleeve cuff] You've sewn your torn cuff together with a Lambert stitch, which, of course.... [puts his right arm around Dawson] ....only a surgeon uses. [then taps Dawson's right cheek gently until rushes to a couch and stacks a few colorful round pillows] And the thread is a unique form of cat-gut, easily distinguished by its peculiar.... [whispers to Olivia] ....pungency, found only in the Afghan provinces. [gets his pistol ready to be shot to the pillows]

Dawson:
Amazing!

Basil:
Actually, it's elementary, my dear Dawson.

Basil:
[enraged] Ratigan, so help me.... [screams bloody murder] ....I'LL SEE YOU BEHIND BARS YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ratigan:
[also enraged] You fool! Isn't it clear to you that the superior mind has triumphed?! I'VE WON!! [He, Fidget, and the rest of their posse start laughing at Basil. Basil steels himself against the jeering and pointing, but after a few moments, he slumps, defeated and broken-hearted, and hangs his head as the cruel laughter continues and Ratigan points at him] Ooh, I love it, I love it, I love it!

Basil Of Baker Street:
[to Olivia, trying to control his rage] Young lady, you are most definitely not accompanying us. AND THAT IS FINAL! [later, as they sneak out with Olivia] And not a word out of you. Is that clear?

Basil Of Baker Street:
Remember, Dawson, we're low-life ruffians.

Basil Of Baker Street:
[when setting off Ratigan's dastardly death trap] The angle of the trajectory multiplied by the square root of an isosceles triangle...[mumbling]...dividing Guttermeg's principle of opposing forces in motion [more mumbling] and adjusting for the difference in equilibrium... Dawson, at the exact moment I tell you, we must release the triggering mechanism! Get ready, Dawson, steady... now!

Basil Of Baker Street:
Smile, everyone!

Prof. Ratigan:
You don't know what a delightful dilemma it was, trying to decide on the most appropriate method for your demise. Oh, I had so many ingenious ideas I didn't know which to choose. So I decided to use them all. [the camera zooms out to show many various weapons aimed at the mousetrap] Marvelous, isn't it? Oh, ho, but, here, let me show you how it works. Picture this, first, a sprightly tune I've recorded especially for you. As the song plays, the cord tightens, and when the song ends, the metal ball is released, rolling along its merry way until... [gestures to mousetrap] Snap! [gestures to gun] Boom! [gestures to crossbow] Twang! [gestures to axe] Thunk! [gestures to anvil] SPLAT! And so ends the short, undistinguished career of Basil of Baker Street.

Prof. Ratigan:
Now, you will remember to smile for the camera, won't you?