One for the Money

[repeated line]

Joe Morelli:
Cupcake!

[repeated line]

Ranger:
Babe!

[Grandma Mazur is waving Stephanie's gun around at the dinner table]

Mrs. Plum:
Put the gun away, Ma! I don't know why I bother...

[Grandma pulls the trigger, shooting a hole in the dinner chicken]

Mrs. Plum:
Now look what you did!

Mr. Plum:
She belongs in a home!

Mrs. Plum:
Frank!

Grandma Mazur:
[proud] Shot that sucker in the gumpy!

Lula:
We got the whole good cop/bad cop thing going on; except we're hookers.

Joe Morelli:
[after Stephanie kills Jimmy Alpha] I think you're gonna make it, Cupcake. Cone over here and help me out of this, will you?

[Stephanie looks at him]

Joe Morelli:
Steph? What? Cuffs!

[She smiles slowly]

Joe Morelli:
Steph? Stephanie? Plum?

[She reaches for the door]

Joe Morelli:
No, don't you even think about it! [he rips the rail out of the side of the truck and charges toward the door... ] Steph! No, no, no!

[Which she closes and locks]

Joe Morelli:
[pounding and banging] Open the door! Open the goddamn door!

Stephanie Plum:
Aw, you had it coming, Cupcake!

Stephanie Plum:
Ranger Manoso. He looks like Michelangelo dipped the statue of David in caramel and strapped some heat on him.

Connie:
[over the phone] Got an FTA for you, ready to have some fun?

John Cho:
[strumming a small paper guitar, baked out of his mind] Tell her yes!

Stephanie Plum:
You can hear that?

John Cho:
Ninja ears!

[plays with his ears]

Ranger:
[answers phone] Are you in danger?

Stephanie Plum:
[handcuffed to her shower rod] Not exactly. Kind of.

Ranger:
I'm busy.

Stephanie Plum:
I'm naked.

Ranger:
...I'll be right there.

[after Vinnie refuses to give her the "collar" for Joe Morelli]

Vinnie Plum:
I gave you a job. Get!

Stephanie Plum:
[conversationally] You know, I used to get my nails done by this very chatty manicurist, who moonlights as a dominatrix, of all things...

Vinnie Plum:
[nervous] How chatty?

Stephanie Plum:
Deeply chatty... how's your wife?

Stephanie Plum:
[v.o] There's some men who enter into a woman's life and screw it up forever. Joe Morelli did this to me. He was the big catch in our neighborhood, and I thought I caught him when I gave him my virginity on the floor of the Tasty Pastry Bakery I worked at when I was 17. Unfortunately for me, he never called after. Unfortunately for him, I hold a grudge.

[Stephanie sees Morty Beyers stealing her car]

Stephanie Plum:
God's gonna get you for this, Morty Beyers!

Morty Beyers:
Screw God!

[He flips her the finger, then gets into the car... which explodes]

Stephanie Plum:
[v.o] Well, I told him.

Joe Morelli:
Oh, Jesus, Stephanie Plum! What the hell?

Stephanie Plum:
Wow, still charming!

Joe Morelli:
Oh, says the girl who ran me over with her car!

Stephanie Plum:
That was an accident, my foot slipped.

Joe Morelli:
Accident, my ass! You jumped the goddamn curb and broke my leg in three different places! I think of you every time it rains.

Stephanie Plum:
See? That right there! Almost charming, but not quite.

Stephanie Plum:
You're in violation of your bond agreement. I'm gonna need you to come with me.

Joe Morelli:
[laughs] Vinnie sent *you* to bring me in?

Stephanie Plum:
Yeah. You think that's funny?

Joe Morelli:
Yeah, I do! And I gotta tell you, I could use a good joke these days, because I haven't had a lot to laugh about lately, you know what I mean?

Stephanie Plum:
[v.o] A hundredy twenty-five pounds of angry female can do a lot of damage.

[Stephanie brings down Lonnie]

Lonnie Dodd:
Ow!

Stephanie Plum:
Clothesline, b*tch!

Lonnie Dodd:
F***!

Stephanie Plum:
[v.o] Okay, a hundred and thirty, tops.

Eddie Gazarra:
Okay, so you think Morty Beyers was roasted in Morelli's car because he pissed off God?

Stephanie Plum:
It's just a theory. One of many.

Stephanie Plum:
Hey, listen to me-!

Joe Morelli:
No, you listen to me!

Stephanie Plum:
God!

Joe Morelli:
I'd cut my own throat before I'd let you bring me into custody! Because, number one, I'm a cop! You know what happens to cops in jail? Not pretty. And number two, you're the last person I'd let collect the money. Because you're a goddamn lunatic who ran me over because I didn't call after I nailed you! We're ancient history, like the Pyramids, baby!

Ranger:
[on Morelli] So what is it with you two?

Stephanie Plum:
Nothing. Sold him a cannoli in high school.

Waitress:
Honey, half the women in Jersey sold Joe Morelli their cannoli.

[Stephanie is driving her latest FTA to the police station in Morelli's "commandeered" Explorer. He catches up to her in traffic]

Joe Morelli:
Are you freaking nuts? This is my car!

Stephanie Plum:
Then go call the cops!

[He puts his hands on the window, she rolls it up]

Joe Morelli:
This is my... oh, God damn it! This is my vehicle!

Stephanie Plum:
It's mine for the time, Morelli! Suck it!

Joe Morelli:
Oh, my God! Is that guy naked? He better be wearing pants. You better be wearing pants, pal!

William Earling:
Ah, lighten up, son! Fresh air is good for the boys.

Stephanie Plum:
Hey, we're headed to the police station now. So if you want to follow us there, that'd be great. It'd make my job a lot easier.

Joe Morelli:
Open the door!

Stephanie Plum:
[points to the light] I've gotta go. It was great to see you.

Joe Morelli:
Get out!

Stephanie Plum:
See you soon!

[She drives away]

Connie:
Stephanie Plum! Swear to Christ, I thought you were here to make bail. That would have been sad. You look confused. It's me, Connie Rosoli, you graduated Central with my little sister Tina.

Stephanie Plum:
Tina Rosoli, holy crap! How's she doing?

Connie:
Not good. Big as a house.

Stephanie Plum:
Huh.

Connie:
Enough about me and mine.

Connie:
Maybe Vinnie'll let you do some skip chasing. How comfortable are you with the lowlifes?

Stephanie Plum:
I sold lingerie in Newark for three years.

Connie:
You're good to go.

Stephanie Plum:
[looking through the latest FTAs] I need fast money, not easy money.

Connie:
Well, it's not gonna come knocking on your door, honey... oh, wait. This one might. William Earling, exhibitionist. Got kicked out of two retirement homes for flashing his junk. He lives in your building.

Stephanie Plum:
Yeah, Mr. Earling! He lets me use his old newspapers for my hamster's cage. [disbelieving] He's a perv?

[Flipping through the file, she sees a photo and recoils]

Stephanie Plum:
Whoa...

[Connie laughs]

Stephanie Plum:
That's bold.

Stephanie Plum:
[first lines; v.o] I'm Stephanie Plum, and this is my story.

Stephanie Plum:
[v.o] The clock on the dash told me I was five minutes late, and a lifetime with my mother told me she'd think that meant I was dead.

Mrs. Plum:
I thought you were dead!

Stephanie Plum:
Five minutes late, Ma. What's for dinner?

Mrs. Plum:
Pot roast.

Stephanie Plum:
Yum.

Mrs. Plum:
Dried out, but...

Stephanie Plum:
[v.o] As for my dad, those five minutes were spent contemplating how to kill Grandma Mazur and where to bury the body.

Stephanie Plum:
Doing the bounty hunter thing. I'm going after Joe Morelli.

Bernie Kuntz:
Didn't you run him over with a car?

[horrified, Mrs. Plum crosses herself]

Mr. Plum:
Ugly rumor, never happened.

[Bernie glances at Stephanie, who smirks]

[Stephanie winces as Ranger's car goes over a bump]

Stephanie Plum:
Getting shot is a b*tch.

Ranger:
Getting stabbed is worse.

[off her look]

Ranger:
I'm just saying.

Eddie Gazarra:
Maybe I'd relax better if I didn't get a call from my wife...

Stephanie Plum:
[holds up photo on Eddie's desk] Shirley the Whiner?

Eddie Gazarra:
Hey, hey, hey! That's my wife, and your cousin.

Stephanie Plum:
Mmm-hmm.

Eddie Gazarra:
...who herself got a call from Lucille Plum.

Stephanie Plum:
Vinnie's wife? You people got to stop gossiping, what is wrong with everybody?

Stephanie Plum:
Oh, crap! Mooch Morelli just pulled in. Oh, wow... did he lose, like, seventy pounds?

Mary Lou:
Yeah, lap band. He got tired of being known as Joe's fat cousin. Now he's known as Joe's ugly cousin. It's so unfair. [laughs]

Stephanie Plum:
Nah, I think he looks better. You're not being very nice.

Mary Lou:
Would you hang up the phone and go check the car for clues?

Grandma Mazur:
[looking at Morelli's mug shot] Didn't you and he... back in high school?

Stephanie Plum:
Ancient history. I'm going after him for the money, period.

Grandma Mazur:
Dolly, you lack... vision.