National Lampoon's European Vacation

Clark Griswold:
(The car is stuck in a traffic circle) Hey look kids, there's Big Ben, and there's Parliament.

Clark Griswold:
[singing] Oh the hills are alive with the sound of Griswold/this junk's been around for a very long time.

[The Griswold's are checking out of the Royal Imperior Windsor Arms Hotel in London]

Clark:
Don't I have to sign this? I think the Pig in a Poke people will take care of it.

Hotel Desk Clerk:
It doesn't include telephone bill.

[Upon hearing this, Audrey gets shocked and slinks away.]

Ellen:
Oh, that's no problem. We just made a couple of local calls.

Hotel Desk Clerk:
Okay, that'll be...(punches numbers in calculator) 253 American dollars.

Clark:
There must be some mistake.

Ellen:
How can that be?

Clark:
(reads bill) Who the hell called Chicago?...........AUDREY!!

[cut to next scene with the family driving to Stonehenge. Audrey is crying.]

Ellen:
Audrey, don't cry. Your father didn't mean what he said.

Audrey:
Yes, he did!

Ellen:
No, he didn't. He's not going to cut off Jack's balls. Aren't you Clark?...Clark?!

Clark:
Okay, I won't.

Stewardess:
Can I get you anything to drink?

Clark Griswold:
Honey? I guess I'll have a Coke.

Stewardess:
Do you want that in the can?

Clark Griswold:
No, I'll have it right here.

[In Germany; Clark peers down at a village in the hills and tears come to his eyes]

Clark Griswold:
There it is, kids. My mother's land.

Rusty Griswold:
Dad, Grandma's from Chicago.

Clark Griswold:
Shut up, Russ.

[In England]

Ellen Griswold:
Clark, you're on the wrong side of the road.

Clark Griswold:
Yes I know, honey, I'm also on the wrong side of the car.

Clark Griswold:
Aw, there's Buckingham Palace, kids, that's where the Queen lives and works.

Audrey Griswold:
What does she do?

Clark Griswold:
She queens. And she vacuums.

Ellen Griswold:
Look back there!

Clark Griswold:
Yeah, it's a hooker...

Ellen Griswold:
Look who she's with!

[Clark looks back, Rusty is with the hooker]

Rusty Griswold:
Who was it that said when in Rome do as the Romans do?

Clark Griswold:
That was Rome not Paris. This is Paris and you're drunk.

[In England Rusty sees a man with a punk Mohawk haircut]

Rusty Griswold:
That's it! That's what I want my hair to look like dad!

Clark Griswold:
Oh Rusty you don't want to look like a rooster do you?

Clark Griswold:
There's the left bank kids. I bet you can't guess what bank is on the right.

Rusty Griswold:
The Bank of America.

[In Germany Clark is looking for their relatives house]

Clark Griswold:
What are we looking for?

Audrey Griswold:
Sechs (pronounced sex) Dad.

Clark Griswold:
That'll do Audrey.

Rusty Griswold:
Dad that's German for six.

Clark Griswold:
Hello, my family and I were looking for sex.

German Neighbor:
Schweinhund!

[Rusty and his California Girl join the rest of the family as they chase Ellen's kidnapper]

Clark Griswold:
Get in.

Rusty Griswold:
What Happened?

Audrey Griswold:
Oh, not much. Mom's been kidnapped.

Ellen Griswold:
Clark, why don't we just forget the "Pig-in-a-Poke" itinerary, and just play it by ear, like normal people?

Clark Griswold:
Honey, we're not normal people. We're the Griswolds.

Bike Rider:
It's just a flesh wound, honestly!

[Audrey arrives at the breakfast table]

Ellen:
Hi Audrey, would you like something to eat?

Audrey:
I'm not hungry. [shows that he received a letter from Jack and starts reading]

Jack:
(voiceover) "Dear Audrey, I miss the sh*t out of you. But luckly, Debbie's been coming by to cheer me up."

Audrey:
THAT B*TCH!

Ellen:
Is something wrong dear?

Audrey:
No, I'm fine.

Jack:
(voiceover) "I think it's time to ask ourselves this question. Do you think this relationship is strong enough that we consider meeting other people? I think it is."

Audrey:
(heartbroken) Would you pass the croissants please? And the butters and jams?

Clark:
Well it's nice to see you getting your appetite back.

Audrey:
Yeah, well who have I got to be thin for?

Audrey:
(calling Debbie on the phone in Rome) Hello Debbie? Audrey! Listen you and I have a big score to settle and you know exactly what I mean! So if you want to save this last shred of friendship between you and me, you'll do me this favor! I want you to book me on a Pan-Am flight out of Rome into Chicago today!...Yeah, I'll hold!.............B*tch!

Ellen Griswold:
Look back there!

Clark Griswold:
Yeah, it's a hooker...

Ellen Griswold:
Look who she's with!

[Clark looks back, Rusty is with the hooker, then Clark walks up and puts his hand on Rusty's shoulder]

Clark Griswold:
Russell Griswold!

Rusty Griswold:
Oink-Oink my good man.

Clark Griswold:

Charming isn't it?

Russ Griswold:

It looks like Massachusetts!

Clark Griswold:

It is kinda like the English South Massachusetts, The old Pilgrims! [laughs] Plymouth rock is where it got started and speaking of rocks, Yeah?

See that, That's Stonehenge, Just around the corner!

Russ Griswold:

What the hell is this?

Clark Griswold:

No one knows for sure, Russ, Maybe it is some calendar of some kind?

Clark Griswold:
Yeah country's eons old kids, that's centuries to you and me.

Clark Griswold:
[about Stonehenge] Take a last look kids, At one of man's most curious creations, built to stand the test of time and the elements, the war, you name it, A thing of glory for a million in future generations to see, and we were here.