The Other Guys

Detective Allen Gamble:
How do they walk away in movies when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that! When they flew the Millennium Falcon out of the Death Star and it was followed by the explosion - that was bullshit!

Detective Allen Gamble:
I never actually put my foot all the way down to the ground with the accelerator like that. It got me slightly aroused.

Detective Allen Gamble:
(in a ballet school) I think we all experienced our own ballet here tonight. A ballet of emotion and feelings

Detective Terry Hoitz:
Captain, you really want to disarm this guy? Take out the batteries in the calculator.

Detective Terry Hoitz:
I'm a peacock - you gotta let me fly!

Detective Terry Hoitz:
And when I come back and bust your ass, we are locking David Ershon in the Federal Reserve!

Detective PK Highsmith:
Did someone call nine one HOLY SH*T?!!!!!

Detective PK Highsmith:
All the gun fights, all the car chases, all the sex we don't want to have with women but we have to...is all due, to what you guys do.

Detective Allen Gamble:
And we’d do it again and aga-

Detective PK Highsmith:
Ay, ay, ay, ay! You shut your face! If we wanna hear you talk, I will shove my arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet!

Detective PK Highsmith:
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT,BUT I WANNA HEAR YOU SCREAM!!!!!!

David Ershon:
This was a very clever idea.

David Ershon:
(with a gun pointed at him) Wait! Computers. What if - one day... they were in charge?

Narrator:
Danson and Highsmith shoot, drive, and sex with style. They're rock stars. Then you got your jokers, your ball-busters, your vets... and the other guys.

Narrator:
Cops still argue to this day why Danson and Highsmith jumped. Maybe it was just pride, having survived so many brushes with death. Maybe their egoes pushed them off. I don't know. But that sh*t was crazy. Either way, there was a hole in New York City, and it needed to be filled.

Narrator:
It was the king of the mutt cases, but Allen and Terry had worked it like stars. Within 24 hours of learning about Ershon's scheme and Lendl's massive losses, the government issued TARP funds to bail out Lendl. They were too big to fail. Ershon now resides in Palomino Federal Correctional Facility in Florida. He still invests. Currency's just different. Roger Wesley was linked to the Beaman murder by security cam footage which Martin and Fosse hadn't checked. It only showed the back of their heads. But Alan's Faceback app was able to get a match to their faces. Terry married Francine. He played harp at the reception and it was beautiful. He had learned how to play it in the eighth grade to make fun of the fairy that lived up the street. Terry asked Sheila to be his best man, but she declined. Let's be honest, we all wanna be superstars and hotshots. But guess what? The people that do the real work, the ones that make the difference, you don't see them on TV or on the front page. I'm talking abou the day-in, day-outers, the grinders. Come on, man, you know who I'm talking about: the other guys.

Captain Gene Mauch:
Listen, guys. I'm working two jobs. I'm working here, and I got another job at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Okay? I'm doing that just to put a kid through NYU so he can explore his bisexuality and become a deejay. Now the last thing I need is a ballistics report in the unit. I'm just gonna ask you guys. Please, come on. Really. Just think about it. Just be smart.

Captain Gene Mauch:
(to the Bed Bath & Beyond staff) First things first: the new bath mats are here. Second thing: there's a serial rapist in Crown Heights... sorry, that's from my other job, ignore that. No, wait, don't ignore it, especially if you live in Crown Heights. Walk in pairs.

Roger Wesley:
There are three things I love in this world: Kylie Minogue, small dimples just above a woman's buttocks... and the fear in a man's eye who knows I'm about to hurt him.

Roger Wesley:
Listen, If you don't shut up, I'll cut your ear off with a butter knife.

Roger Wesley:
Someone's been playing Grand Theft Auto.

Danson:
(hanging on to the roof a speeding car) Tell me again why I decided to get on this roof?

Highsmith:
I think you can chalk that up to bad lifestyle choices.

Highsmith:
You thinkin' what I'm thinkin' partner?

Danson:
Aim for the bushes? [Highsmith nods, they fist bump, then both jump to their deaths]

Hoitz:
Alan, listen to me. Danson and Highsmith are gone. Their desks are empty. Someone has to fill those seats. That someone is us, okay? Th city's dying for a hero.

Gamble:
Is it?

Hoitz:
Yeah.

Gamble:
What about nine million socially-conscious and unified citizens, all just stepping up and doing their part?

Hoitz:
As a little kid, didn't you dress up and play cops and robbers?

Gamble:
I'll tell you what I did as a little kid. I went to school and made my bed. And at age 11, I audited my parents. And believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.

Hoitz:
What the hell are you?

Gamble:
You're mad at us, huh, Gene?

Mauch:
First off, don't call me Gene. I'm your captain.

Mauch:
Guys, do you remember the "Be Smart" speech?

Gamble:
Sure.

Mauch:
All right. Well, What did you do? What'd you do about it?

Gamble:
The opposite. We were not smart, Captain Gene.

Mauch:
It's just "Captain." Just "Captain." It's not "Captain Gene." I don't have a kiddie show. That sounds creepy, "Captain Gene."

Hoitz:
You know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple detectives, and I was about to start bad mouthing you behind your back, but I stopped myself, because my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.

Gamble:
Wow, I actually appreciate that.

Hoitz:
Good, 'cause I'm gonna tell you directly to your face.

Gamble:
No. You don't have to.

Hoitz:
No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal? It sounds feminine.

Gamble:
Hmm.

Hoitz:
If we were in the wild, I would attack you. Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion, and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you! And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.

Gamble:
[pause] Okay, first off, a lion swimming in the ocean? Lions don't like water. If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20-foot waves, I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full-grown, 800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends? You lose that battle. You lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what? You've wandered into our school of tuna, and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated.

Hoitz:
Yeah?

Gamble:
And said, "You know what? Lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion." We've developed a system to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family. And we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring...

Hoitz:
How you gonna do that?

Gamble:
We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour, hour 45, no problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned. [goes back to typing] Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope. [Hoitz throws Gamble's hot coffee on his shirt]

Hoitz:
What the hell is this?

Gamble:
It's my car. It's a Prius.

Hoitz:
I literally feel like I'm driving around in a vagina.

Hoitz:
You feel that, Allen? Huh? That tingling in your balls? Big metal butterflies fluttering around your stomach?

Gamble:
Are you sure you don't have testicular cancer?

Sheila:
Hi.

Gamble:
Hi.

Sheila:
You must be Terry. I'm sorry I've been hiding, honey, but this dinner was tricky.

Hoitz:
Who are you?

Sheila:
I'm Dr. Sheila Gamble, his wife.

Hoitz:
Come on, seriously. Who is that?

Sheila:
His old lady.

Gamble:
Sweetie, it's a workstation.

Sheila:
Got it.

Gamble:
And you come in here, dressed like a hobo, it's distracting.

Sheila:
I know you're working. I'm so sorry.

Hoitz:
Come on, seriously.

Gamble:
Come on, what?

Hoitz:
Who is that?

Gamble:
That's the old... That's the old ball and chain.

Sheila:
Get over here. [she tries to kiss him but he pulls away]

Gamble:
Not... Not right now.

Sheila:
Okay.

Gamble:
Look, they're not all first-round picks, okay?

Hoitz:
Come on, are you gonna tell me who that is?

Hoitz:
Well, Christine, this is a lovely house.

Christinith:
It's Christinith. Are you stupid or are you deaf?!

Hal:
Christinith!! You idiot! You come to our house, you get my wife's name right!

Hoitz:
What?

Hal:
Christinith!!

Hoitz:
Let's hear it from the top, every detail.

Ershon:
I think the best way to tell this story is by starting at the end, briefly, then going back to the beginning; then periodically returning to the end, maybe giving different characters' perspectives throughout. Just to, you know, give it a bit of dynamism . Otherwise it's just sort of a linear story (makes yawning gesture)

Gamble:
Just tell us what happened!

Ershon:
I lost a bunch of money for some people and now they want it back.

Gamble:
Excuse me, but you're under arrest, okay?

Ershon:
What?

Gamble:
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you do or say can be used, umm [to Hoitz] What's the next part?

Hoitz:
As a floatation device.

Gamble:
As a floatation device. You know what? That's very funny. I've never Miranda-ed anyone before.

Hoitz:
Really?

Ershon:
Are you guys for real? Am I being Punk'd?

Wesley:
Who the hell are all these people? I was only expecting one man.

Ershon:
You know, they're just some people I owe money to who wanted to be here.

Wesley:
Who are they?

Ershon:
Well, they are some Chechen patriots, entrepreneurs. And the black chaps are some businessmen from Nigeria.

Wesley:
You owe money to the Nigerians and Chechens?

Ershon:
Yes. Yes, I do.

Wesley:
You're a piece of work.

Ershon:
Thank you.

Ershon:
You could let me go, and i'll give you ten million dollars each. It's not a bribe.

Gamble:
Of course it's a bribe! You're offering to pay us money to not do our job.

Ershon:
(shakes head) Not a bribe.

Ershon:
Hey, Douglas. How's the wife?

Douglas:
She died.

Ershon:
Attaboy!

[They found Gamble's Prius]

Hazmat Officer:
Well, here she is. They left her under an overpass for the night.

Gamble:
You find anything?

Hazmat Officer:
Yeah. We found a lot of stuff. From bodily fluid and hair samples, we determined that a bunch of old, homeless dudes had an orgy in the car.

Gamble:
Oh, God.

Hazmat Officer:
Yeah. You know what that's called when they do that in there? That's called a soup kitchen. It's pretty rough stuff. Not long after that, a mama raccoon came along and gave birth on the floor.

Gamble:
What about fingerprints? You find any fingerprints?

Hazmat Officer:
Nope, couldn't get a one.

Investigator:
Found a cell phone.

Gamble:
Yeah, that's mine.

Hoitz:
Any signs of a struggle or spent shells?

Hazmat Officer:
No. Believe me, everybody that was in on this orgy was more than willing. In fact, they even left you a note here. "Thanks for the F-shack. Love, Dirty Mike and the boys." Here's something we found. We found about a dozen unscratched lottery tickets. No fingerprints or nothing. Check that out. Yeah, it's a real shame, you know. I got myself a Prius. It's a hell of a machine.

Gamble:
It's my first brand-new car. I've never owned a new car.

Hazmat Officer:
Watch out. In the back, there's a baby mouse in a used condom. Really gross.

[The cops surround Wesley]

Martin:
Drop it, or be dropped, homeboy!

Fosse:
I hope you like the taste of prison food, and penis.

[Hoitz and Gamble barely survive an explosion]

Gamble:
I can't hear! I can't hear! There's blood blisters on my hands! Oh, my God! How do you walk away in a movie without flinching when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that! When they flew the Millennium Falcon outside of the Death Star, and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!

Hoitz:
Don't you dare badmouth Star Wars! That was all accurate!

[Hoitz throws down his computer and stomps on it in anger]

Gamble:
What are you doing?

Hoitz:
We just handed all of our evidence over to the bad guys' lawyer!

Gamble:
[in his Gator voice] Are you a big man? Huh? I'm talking to you!

Hoitz:
What?

Gamble:
Do you wake up in the mornin' and say, "I'm puttin on my big boy pants. Look, I'm wearin' a belt. I got big boy pants on."

Hoitz:
No.

Gamble:
Put on a little jacket, you go, you take you lunch cause you have big boy pants on? You got your big boy pants and your snack? I can say big loud things! I can be demonstrative!

Hoitz:
Stop!

Gamble:
[starts stomping on Hoitz's computer] We don't, we don't do that sh*t!

Hoitz:
You're scarin' the sh*t outta me man, stop it!

Gamble:
Is this how you conduct yourself? In a democracy?

Hoitz:
What the hell are you doing, man?

Gamble:
[in normal voice] I'm so tired of you getting angry and yelling all the time. It's exhausting! It's like I'm partners with the Hulk.

[Hoitz and Gamble after interrogating Ershon]

Gamble:
Look, I'm really sorry about that. I just... I saw how aggressive you were being, and I thought "Wow, I gotta go even bigger than that since we're doing 'Bad cop, bad cop'".

Hoitz:
What? No, I said "Good cop, bad cop". I'm the bad cop, you're the good cop.

Gamble:
Okay, then there it is. That's it. I thought you said "Bad cop, bad cop".

[Hoitz and Gamble get attacked by masked figures on motorbikes]

Hoitz:
Watch out! Columbian drug lords!

Gamble:
Where are you getting this from?

[Hoitz takes them all out single-handedly]

Gamble:
Wow. Imagine where you'd be if you hadn't shot Jeter.

Detective Allen Gamble:
(while interrogating Ershon) I'm gonna make you eat a plate of human sh*t!

Detective Allen Gamble:
You turned my beautiful Prius into a nightmare!

Detective Allen Gamble:
Gator needs his gat, you punk-ass B*TCH!

Detective Terry Hoitz:
(while showing badge) Police shithead!

Detective P.K. Highsmith:
(while flying in a car through the air towards several drug runners who are firing machine guns at him as he returns fire with a pistol in each hand) You have the right...to remain...SILENT...but I wanna hear you SCREAM!

David Ershon:
Gentlemen, I can get you obstructed-view tickets for Rock of Ages. Even I admit that's not very temping, but I'm not made of tickets goddammit!