Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Neal:
Hey, look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm not much of a conversationalist, and I really want to finish this article, a friend of mine wrote it, so...

Del:
Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth... You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut... If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chops...

[at the car rental agency, after Neal finds the rental car he was assigned is not in the expected spot]

Car Rental Agent:
Welcome to Marathon. May I help you?

Neal:
[indignantly] Yes.

Agent:
How may I help you?

Neal:
You can start by wiping that f***ing dumbass smile off your rosy f***ing cheeks. Then you can give me a f***ing automobile. A f***ing Datsun, a f***ing Toyota, a f***ing Mustang, a f***ing Buick - 4 f***ing wheels and a seat!

Agent:
I really don't care for the way you're speaking to me.

Neal:
And I really don't care for the way your company left me in the middle of f***ing nowhere with f***ing keys to a f***ing car that isn't f***ing there. And I really didn't care to f***ing walk down a f***ing highway and across a f***ing runway to get back here to have you smile at my f***ing face. I want a f***ing car right f***ing now.

Agent:
May I see your rental agreement?

Neal:
I threw it away.

Agent:
Oh, boy.

Neal:
"Oh, boy" what?

Agent:
You're f***ed.

Del:
You know I had a feeling that when we parted ways. We would somehow wind up back together again. I've never seen a guy get picked up by his testicles before. Lucky thing for you that cop passed by when he did. Otherwise, you'd be lifting up your schnutz to tie you shoes. I'm sorry. That's terrible. Do you have any idea how glad I am I didn't kill you?

Neal:
[high voice] Do you have any idea how glad I'd be if you had?

Del:
Oh, come on, pal, you don't mean that. Remember what I said about going with the flow?

Neal:
How am I supposed to go with the flow when the rental car agency leaves me in a 100 acre parking lot with keys to a car that isn't there then I have to hike back 3 miles to find out they don't have any more cars?

Del:
I got a car, no sweat at all.

Neal:
Well, Del, you're a charmed man.

Del:
Nope.

Neal:
Oh, I know. You just go with the flow.

Del:
Like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty stream.

Del:
You play with your balls a lot.

Neal:
I do not play with my balls.

Del:
Larry Bird doesn't do as much ball-handling in one night as you do in an hour!

Neal:
Are you trying to start a fight?

Del:
No. I'm simply stating a fact. That's all. You fidget with your nuts a lot.

Neal:
You know what'd make me happy?

Del:
Another couple of balls, and an extra set of fingers?

Neal:
You're no saint. You got a free cab, you got a free room and someone who will listen to your boring stories. I mean, didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? Didn't that give you some sort of clue, like hey, maybe this guy is not enjoying it? You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that, that are funny or mildly amusing or interesting. You're a miracle. Your stories have none of that! They're not even amusing accidentally. Honey, I'd like you to meet Del Griffith. He's got some amusing anecdotes for ya. Oh, and here's a gun so you can blow your brains out. You'll thank me for it. I-I could tolerate any, any insurance seminar, for days. I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They'd say, "How can ya stand it?" And I'd say, "'Cause I've been with Del Griffith. I can take anything." You know what they'd say? They'd say, "I know what you mean. The shower curtain ring guy." It's like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest. You know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except that I wouldn't pull it out and snap it back, you would. And by the way, you know, when, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea. Have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!

Del:
You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changing. I like me. My wife likes me. My customers like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

[in bed in the hotel room, Neal and Del are holding hands as they awaken]

Neal:
Del, why did you kiss my ear?

Del:
Why are you holding my hand?

Neal:
Where's your other hand?

Del:
Between two pillows.

Neal:
Those aren't pillows!

[both scream in shock and get out of bed, grossed out, then soon shake it off and pretend to forget about it]

Neal:
See that Bears game last week?

Del:
Yeah. Hell of a game. Hell of a game.

Neal:
Bears got a great team this year. They're gonna go all the way.

[at breakfast Neal finds his wallet empty and gives Del a mean look]

Del:
What?

Neal:
You know goddamn well what.

Del:
I'm sorry I don't

Neal:
I had over $700 in here.

Del:
I didn't touch your dough Neal. I'm a lot of things but I'm not a thief.

Neal:
Well you went into my stuff last night, right?

Del:
I didn't take your money! And I don't care for the accusation.

Neal:
Well, I had over $700 in here and you went into my wallet for pizza. Just maybe when you went into my stuff you had to...

Del:
[places his wallet on the table] Count it.

Neal:
Oh, like you'd keep it in there if you stole it.

Del:
There's $263 in there. If there's a dollar more, then you can call me a thief. Just count it.

Neal:
[checks Del's wallet, hands it back] Empty.

Del:
What?! [checks his wallet]

Neal:
Dry.

Del:
We were robbed!

Neal:
[sarcastically] Do ya think so?

State Trooper:
What the hell are you driving here?

Del:
We had a small fire last night, but we caught it in the nick of time.

Trooper:
Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Del:
Funny enough, I was just talking to my friend about that. Our speedometer has melted and as a result it's very hard to see with any degree of accuracy exactly how fast we were going.

Neal:
Let me close this conversation by saying that you are one unique individual.

Del:
Unique-- What's that, Latin for "a**hole"?

What he really wanted was to spend Thanksgiving with his family. What he got was three days with the turkey.

Pack in the laughter!

Del:
You believe this?

Neal:
It's been a hell of a trip.

Del:
Sure has.

Neal:
But, uh, after all is said and done, you did get me home.

Del:
Next time, let's go first class, all right?

Neal:
God, I hope there isn't a next time.

Del:
I know what you mean! I really do. This you?

Neal:
Yeah.

Del:
It's been great meeting you, Neal, it really has. Again, I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble.

Neal:
Oh, no, you didn't cause me any trouble. You got me home, and, uh... a little late.

Del:
A couple days.

Neal:
But, uh... I'm a little wiser, too.

Del:
Me, too.

Neal:
Happy holidays.

Del:
Same to you. Happy Thanksgiving, Neal. Give my love to the family, will you? Maybe I'll get a chance to meet 'em one day.

Neal:
Say hello to Marie for me. I feel like I know her.

Del:
Yeah.

Neal:
So... okay. And, uh, you have a happy Thanksgiving.

Del:
Hey, you know it.

Neal:
So long.

[Neal boards the train, but starts thinking back to things he and Neal said and did together]

Del:
I like-- I like me. My wife likes me.

Neal:
At the very least, the absolute minimum, you've got a woman you love to grow old with, right?

Neal:
I've been spending too much time away from home.

Del:
I haven't been home in years. [echoing] I haven't been home in years. I haven't been home in years.

Del:
Boy, you are one lucky guy, Neal.

Neal:
I know.

Del:
I won't stay long. Maybe I'll just say hi, then be on my way.

Neal:
Just come on.