The Producers

Max:
I was a protege of the great Boris Tomashevsky. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his death bed and said: "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!"

Nun:
What does that mean?

Max:
Who knows, I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart, I knew what he was saying. He was saying when you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout: "Who do you have to f*** to get a break in this stinking town?"

Max:
Do you know who I am?

Leo:
You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!

Max:
No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!

Max:
Whatta ya say, Bloom?

Leo: [sung] What do I say? Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer! What do I say? Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir! What do I say? What do I say? Here's what I say to you, sir... I can't do it!

Leo:
I'm a fountain?

Max:
[yelling] Yes, you're a fountain!

Max:
The two cardinal rules of producing are one: Never put your own money in the show.

Leo:
And two?

Max:
[yelling] Never put your own money in the show!

Leo and Max:
We can do it! We can do it!

Max:
Every show I touch I doom!

Leo and Max:
We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom!

Carmen Ghia:
He's having a stroke.

Max:
What?!

Carmen Ghia:
Of genius!!

Franz Liebkind:
[Making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] Raise Your right forefingers! I solemnly svear...

Leo and Max:
[holding up their right forefingers] I solemnly svear...

Franz Liebkind:
To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...

Leo and Max:
To obey the Sacred Siegfried Oath...

Franz Liebkind:
Und!

Max:
[Switching to his middle finger] Und!

Leo:
[Switching to his middle finger] Und!

Franz Liebkind:
[Wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!

Leo and Max:
[Flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never.

Franz Liebkind:
Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler.

Leo and Max:
Dishonor the spirit and the... Elizabeth?

Franz Liebkind:
Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know it, but der Führer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.

[long pause]

Max:
Is that right?

Leo and Max:
[shrugging] Adolf ELIZABETH Hitler.

Franz Liebkind:
You know, not many people know zis, but der Führer was a terrific dancer.

Max:
Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?

Leo:
No, we sure didn't.

Franz Liebkind:
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!

Roger De Bris:
[wearing a dress] I am going to the choreographers' ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.

Carmen Ghia:
We always win.

Roger De Bris:
I am not so sure about this year. I am supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building.

Carmen Ghia:
Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half dressed.

Roger De Bris:
Well then, why don't you go and get it, o wicked witch of the west?

Carmen Ghia:
If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart . . . Bullseye!

Max:
Listen Roger, did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"

Roger De Bris:
Read it? I devoured it! It's loaded with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.

Max:
Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?

Roger De Bris:
Do it? Of course not.

[Music starts]

Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed With dramas so depressed It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway Shows should be more pretty Shows should be more witty Shows should be more...

Roger De Bris:
[spoken] What's the word?

Leo:
Gay?

Roger De Bris:
Exactly!

Donald Dinsmore:
I would like to sing "The little wooden boy. "

[the song intro plays as Donald dances. Just before he is about to open his mouth...]

Roger De Bris:
NEXT!

Leo:
Actors aren't animals! They're human beings!

Max:
Have you ever eaten with one?

Leo:
What's your name?

Ulla:
Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yansen Tallen Hallen Svadon Swanson.

Max:
What's your first name?

Ulla:
That was my first name. Would you like to know my last name?

Max:
We don't have the time.

Ulla:
Would you like Ulla make audition?

Leo:
That won't be nece-

Max:
Yes, it is nessa! Extremely nessa!

Leo:
[to Ulla] We might have a position for you.

Max:
Actually, we might have several positions for you.

Leo:
So what time can you get here?

Ulla:
Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla exercise. From seven to eight Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?

Leo and Max:
Eleven.

Ulla:
Good! Ulla will come at eleven!

Max:
[holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...

Ulla:
Gut dog me venen!

Leo and Max:
God dag minen venena... ninna...

Ulla:
God bless America!

[Ulla leaves]

Max:
God bless Sweden!

Leo:
Max, I think we're getting in too deep.

Max:
Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.

Carmen Ghia:
Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling? Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again!

Roger De Bris:
Who was that?

Carmen Ghia:
Wrong number!

Leo, Max, Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris:
Break a leg!

[CRASH!]

Max:
Franz, what happened?

Franz Liebkind:
I broke my leg!

Leo:
[Screams hysterically]

[Max runs over and splashes Leo with a glass of water]

Leo:
I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WET!

[Max slaps Leo]

Leo:
[Pauses] I'M IN PAIN! I'M WET AND IN PAIN! AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL [Babbles]

Max:
What can I do? You're making me hysterical

Leo:
Get away, you're too close, you frighten me!

Max:
I frighten you?!

Leo:
Get down over there, sit over there!

Max:
I'm sitting! I'm sitting!

Leo:
[Flinches] You still look angry!

Max:
I'm sorry, is this better? [Grins goofily] [In a childish, patronizing voice] Who's my little accountant? Who's my little accountant? Are you my little accountant? Yes you are!

Leo:
[Now calm] Thank you for smiling, that helped a great deal!

Carmen:
I'll take your coats, and hats...and your swastikas.

Max:
Sorry. Just came from a big rally, everyone was wearing one.

Max (to Leo):
You didn't tell me we were still wearing them!

Leo:
I didn't notice.

Franz Liebkind:
[furiously barges in waving a gun around] You have broken ze Siegfried Oas! YOU MUST DIE! YOU ALL MUST DIE!!!

[Everyone panics and hides as Franz attempts to shoot them]

Roger De Bris:
What are you doing, you neo-Nazi nitwit? Your show's a hit!

Franz Liebkind:
Who cares?!? You made a fool out of Hitler!

Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris:
He didn't need our help.

Roger De Bris:
This crazy Kraut is crackers! He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us!

Carmen Ghia:
Oh, Roger, what alliteration.

Roger De Bris:
Thank you, darling.

[With one leg already broken Franz Liebkind falls down the stairs]

Officer O'Rourke:
[Calling down the stairs] What happened?

Franz Liebkind:
I broke my other leg!