The Santa Clause 2

Scott:
Neil, have you ever actually helped anyone?

Scott:
[going on a date] A needlepoint sweater and a mini-van. I'll be back in about 8 minutes.

Bernard:
[To Curtis; frustrated] Curtis, you're 900-years-old. Grow up!

Toy Santa:
You are a sad, strange little man!

Toy Santa:
The town will break our fall.

Mother Nature:
Don't mess with me, Santa. I'm pre-El Nino.

Charlie:
Seeing isn't believing; believing is seeing.

Easter Bunny:
I have 33,000 offspring, all in private school.

Tracy:
You know what, I totally put myself out there doing that. And that was not an easy thing to do, and if you're the kind of man that can't support a woman's ambition, then I don't think there's any reason to continue this date.

Scott/Santa:
I have to get married?

Bernard:
Yes. It's the Mrs. Clause.

Scott:
Wait a minute, I got it. I got it. I got it. How about this: The Molintator.

Tooth Fairy:
The Molinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Molinator?

Lucy:
Uncle Scott, are you Santa Claus?

Scott:
What makes you say that?

Lucy:
Because you have a reindeer.

Scott:
Lots of people have reindeer.

Lucy:
Name five.

Carol:
Well, maybe if you spent more time with your son, there would be fewer problems.

Scott/Santa:
Maybe, but then I wouldn't get to spend more time with you. It's always such a pleasure.

Carol:
Oh, a battle of wits. It's a shame that you came unarmed.

Picardo:
Good morning, Principal Newman.

Carol:
Mr. Picardo, I want you to look into my eyes. What do you see?

Picardo:
It's dark... and it's cold.

Carol:
It's your future, Mr. Picardo. Keep this up, and you will spend the rest of your life stabbing trash by the highway. Do I make myself clear?

Picardo:
Yes.

Carol; So what are you going to do?

Picardo:
I'm going straight to third-period geometry.

Carol:
Have a nice trip.

Santa:
That's weird, isn't it?

Puppets:
Uh-oh!

Santa:
These fit yesterday, didn't they?

Abby:
Hot cocoa for you, Santa.

Bernard:
This is not a good time, Abby.

Abby:
I sent Dasher down for some Brazilian cocoa beans.

Santa:
What's the bad news?

Abby:
[smiling] What do you mean?

Santa:
Whenever you play the designer bean card, generally, you have bad news. [Abby's smile fades, and he gives Santa the naughty-and-nice list] What are you doin' with the naughty-and-nice list?

Abby:
Just don't shoot the messenger. [Santa opens the naughty-and-nice list] It's... Charlie.

Santa:
Sheen? I thought he straightened out?

Abby:
Not that Charlie.

Santa:
My Charlie? My son, Charlie? He is on the naughty list?

Puppets:
[shocked] AAAAAAH! [they hide]

Santa:
This is-- There's gotta be a mistake.

Abby:
We don't make mistakes. I'm sorry, Santa. Please excuse me.

Santa:
How could this happen? Is this what you were trying to tell me?

Curtis:
Great! You told him! Good! Let's get you dressed for that meeting.

Santa:
I can't have the meeting here. I'm gonna have to see Charlie.

Bernard:
Number two, tell him now.

Santa:
Tell me what, guys? Come on. Come clean now.

Curtis:
Santa, there's a clause.

Santa:
Yeah, and that would be me.

Curtis:
No, I mean there's another Santa clause.

Santa:
Curtis, in case you haven't noticed, this time of year, the malls are filled with other "Santa Clauses".

Curtis:
Yes, but there's another Santa clause. There was a first clause, but also a second clause.

Puppets:
Get on with it!

Curtis:
When the last Santa Claus fell off your roof and you put on his coat, you found this.

Santa:
Right. "He who wears the coat takes on the responsibilities of Santa Claus..." Something like that, and of course, the rest would be history, right?

Bernard:
But it seems our number two elf, the keeper of the handbook, overlooked the single most important detail in the history of Christmas!

Curtis:
Wow. One mistake in 900 years.

Bernard:
Look.

Santa:
I-I can't see that.

Bernard:
Better now?

Santa:
Uh...

Bernard:
Or now?

Santa:
Well...

Bernard:
Better now?

Santa:
It's gettin' there.

Bernard:
Or now?

Santa:
I can't see anything. [Bernard flips a big magnifying glass up] I see. Good, good, good. I see it. Okay. Well, uh, "The card holder acknowledges a woman of his choosing. True Love... Not valid in," uh, "state of Utah. Holy...Matrimony"?! I gotta get married!

Bernard:
Yes, It's...the Mrs. Clause.

[the puppets hum "The Wedding March".]

Santa:
What if I don't want to get married? [he starts getting thinner]

Curtis:
Oh, dear. The de-Santification process has begun!

Santa:
The de-Santification? Are you telling me that clause says if I don't get married... I don't get to be Santa any more? [worried] Wh-- What about the kids? W-- What about the elves? What a-- What about you guys?

Bernard:
It's not completely hopeless, sir. You still have time to find a wife.

Santa:
Right. Well, how much time do I have, Curtis?

Curtis:
28 days.

Santa:
28 days. So I've gotta find a wife by Christmas.

Curtis:
Actually, Christmas Eve.

Santa:
I guess it's over.

Curtis:
No! You can't think that way! Please, don't give up hope. 'Cause if you do... then we have to. [the puppets sigh sadly. Suddenly, Santa's beard shrinks, and the puppets shout in shock.] [surprised] Whoa.

Santa:
Christmas is getting very complicated.

Mother Nature:
Santa? Santa? Are you with us?

Santa:
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Yes. Yes, I am.

Mother Nature:
Well, on behalf of Father Time, and the Council of Legendary Figures, I'd like to thank you for being such a gracious host.

Tooth Fairy:
Hear, hear.

Easter Bunny:
What a lovely place.

Cupid:
Hear, hear.

Mother Nature:
And without further ado, let's convene the year-end holiday conference. [bangs gavel] Tooth Fairy.

Tooth Fairy:
Thank you, Mother Nature. Fellow Council members, I'd like to again propose a new name for myself.

Easter Bunny:
Oh, please!

Cupid:
Come on!

Mother Nature:
Good heavens!

[everyone mumbles]

Tooth Fairy:
In the past, you have rejected Tooth Man, Tooth Guy and Tooth.

Cupid:
Because they stunk.

Tooth Fairy:
Today, I'd like to submit...Captain Floss...

Cupid:
Nice!

Tooth Fairy:
...Plaque Man...

Easter Bunny:
D'oh!

Tooth Fairy:
...and Roy.

Cupid:
[laughs ironically] Roy. No. No kid's gonna put a tooth under a pillow for a man named Roy.

Tooth Fairy:
This from someone in a diaper, and shoots arrows in people's butts.

Santa:
Wait a minute. I got it. I got it. I got it. Now, how about this? The Moleinator.

Tooth Fairy:
The Moleinator. I like it. Thank you, Santa. Can we vote right now on The Moleinator? [raises his hand]

Mother Nature:
All in favor of a name change for Tooth Fairy? [Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy raise their hands] All right. And all opposed? [Mother Nature and Father time raise their hands, and Cupid raises his hand] Easter Bunny? [Easter Bunny flashes two thumbs down] Sandman?

Sandman:
[snorts] What? What-What happened? Was I asleep again?

Mother Nature:
Name change for the Tooth Fairy; Yes or no?

Sandman:
No. I'm sorry.

Mother Nature:
All right. Next item on the agenda. Santa, status report.

Santa:
OK. Well, first off, welcome you all to the North Pole. It's great to have you here. Uh, as you know, this is our big time of year, so things are busy as usual. There's a little speed bump in the road, uh, this year. Well, you all know Charlie.

Easter Bunny:
Oh! I love Charlie.

Father Time:
Great kid.

Mother Nature:
Good boy.

Sandman:
Sweet kid.

Tooth Fairy:
Good teeth.

Santa:
Well, Charlie... got himself on the naughty list.

Tooth Fairy:
[shocked] What?

Mother Nature:
[shocked] Oh, my.

Santa:
I'm struggling a little bit with the timing, 'cause it's-- I gotta be up here at the North Pole, and I've also got to try to take care of Charlie--

Sandman:
That's every parent's dilemma: How to balance work and children. Most people lose sleep over that than anything else.

Easter Bunny:
Oh, tell me about it. I have 33,000 offspring. All in private school.

Santa:
Well, to top it off, I have to get married by Christmas Eve.

Easter Bunny:
Hmm?

Santa:
Otherwise, I stop being Santa Claus.

Easter Bunny:
What?!

Mother Nature:
No!

Santa:
The de-Santification process has already begun.

Easter Bunny:
Wait a minute. [hops to Santa] You do look thinner, and... your beard is shorter! Am I right?

Everyone:
You're right. You're right.

Santa:
Apparently, it's called the Mrs. Clause.

Mother Nature:
Don't mess with me, Santa. I'm Pre-El Niño.

Santa:
No, I'm not messing with anybody. What I'm saying is, I have to find a wife in--

Father Time:
27 days, 20 hours and 17 minutes.

Easter Bunny:
Wow.

Father Time:
It's what I do. [chuckles]

Santa:
Wait a minute. Cupid. Cupid, come over here.

Cupid:
What do you need, pal?

Santa:
Why don't you just shoot me with one of your darts, then I'll fall in love?

Cupid:
All right. First of all, they're not darts, they're arrows. Second of all, no can do.

Santa:
Why not?

Cupid:
'Cause the arrows have no effect on us. Believe me, if they did, I would have shot myself, and met a nice girl. Left the business years ago, alright? Enough with the questions.

Easter Bunny:
Y-You can't stop being Santa Claus.

Santa:
I don't want to stop being Santa Claus.

Easter Bunny:
Kids are 86% happier since you've taken the job.

Tooth Fairy:
He's absolutely right.

Santa:
This is all I want to do. Well, what am I gonna do?

Father Time:
Well, you-- You can't be two places at once.

[Comet grunts about the lights not being straight.]

Scott:
What do you mean it's not straight? [Comet grunts] Sure it's straight.

Comet:
[grunting] Uh-uh.

Scott:
Maybe your head's crooked. [Comet grunts in protest.] You know, Prancer's not this picky.

Comet:
[grunting] Yes, he is.

Lucy:
Hi, Comet!

Comet:
[grunting; happily] Hi!

[Scott shushes Comet silently]

Lucy:
I've got something for you.

Scott:
Hey, Lucy, what have you got there? [Lucy unwraps out a Christmas-themed Crunch Bar] Oh, you gotta be careful with the sweets: He tends to overeat.

Lucy:
Uncle Scott, are you Santa Claus?

Scott:
What? Why would you ask me something like that?

Lucy:
'Cause you have a reindeer, and only Santa has reindeer.

Scott:
Nonsense. A lot of people have reindeer.

Lucy:
Name five.

Scott:
Well... most of them live in Finland, but I can't pronounce their names. [Comet stares at Scott] Besides, reindeer are too stupid to make good pets. [Comet scowls at Scott]

Lucy:
Well, I think you're very smart. [Comet licks her, and she giggles]

Toy Santa:
[singing] ? Dashing through the snow in a strip-mining machine. Flatten the hills we go. ? Come on! Put a smile on that face, little troll! Wait a minute. I got a joke. This'll cheer you up. Knock, knock!

Elf:
Who's there?

Toy Santa:
Aren't you.

Elf:
"Aren't you" who?

Toy Santa:
AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO GET BACK TO WORK?! All of you, you little idiots! Back to work!

Toy Santa:
It's Scott, isn't it?

Scott:
Yeah. What are you supposed to be?

Toy Santa:
A better, stronger version of what you used to be. With a Flawless complexion, I might add. Look, it just glistens.

Scott:
Listen to me, I'm back now. So untie us. Let the elves go and give me back the coat.

Toy Santa:
[mutters as if thinking, until finally…] NO CAN DO! It's Christmas Eve! I have coal to deliver! And I don't want those naughty kids to suffer! [laughs]

Bernard:
OK, Chet. This is it. You ready to rock and roll?

Carol:
Chet?

Bernard:
Yeah. He's still in training.

Scott:
How much flight time has he had?

Bernard:
About a minute and a half.

Curtis:
Yeah but he's had a lotta crash time.

Scott:
Curtis.

Curtis:
He's just a baby.

Bernard:
Where are you going?

Scott:
You know this, Number One. Its Christmas. I've got to deliver gifts.

Bernard:
Aren't you forgetting something?

Scott:
No.

Bernard:
You gotta get married.

Carol:
Excuse me?

Scott:
Carol, I... I cannot continue being Santa...unless I find a Mrs. Claus.

Carol:
Oh. So that's what the whole noodles and pie thing...You just needed to find a wife.

Scott:
No.

Carol:
No?

Scott:
Yes.

Carol:
Yes?

Scott:
Yes, I was looking for a wife. No, I didn't figure on falling... in love.

Carol:
You love me? This is all happening so fast.

Scott:
Well, there's no pressure.

Carol:
Good.

Scott:
I just won't deliver the gifts and children everywhere will stop believing, the elves will lose their jobs, the North Pole will disappear and Christmas will be gone.

Abby:
Get down on one knee.

Scott:
Hm?

Abby:
Do it. Now. Say "Carol."

Scott:
Carol.

Carol:
Uh-huh? Yeah?

Abby:
You say this is happening all so fast.

Scott:
You say this is happening all so fast.

Abby:
But you've known me your whole life.

Scott:
But you've known me your whole life.

Abby:
When you were little and alone...

Scott:
When you were little and alone...

Abby and Scott:
Santa--

Scott:
[to Abby] I can take it from here. [to Carol] Santa was always there for you. And I will be, as long as you continue to believe in me. I know I'm asking you to leave everything at home, but I can guarantee you that this is worth it. This place... This place is all about magic and love... and wonder. And occasionally, a thin-crust pizza and a movie and a long winter night.

Carol:
Is there a school here?

Scott:
Yeah, we have one, a school, the elves need a new principal. Cause as of late some of the elves have been acting a bit impish. Carol, I love you.

Carol:
You do?

Scott:
Will you be my wife?

Abby:
I will.

Carol:
Thank you. I've got it from here. I will.

Bernard:
Stay where you are! Don't be afraid!

Bernard:
Don't listen to him! This guy's not Santa! [Elf: Not Santa?] He's a toy! He has a rubber face, and a plastic tushy!

Bernard:
Trust me! Don't let him ruin Christmas!

Toy Santa:
Hi! Merry Christmas! Ho-ho-ho!

Toy Santa:
Can I have your attention? Stop the work, please. Everybody, stop the work. That's nice. I have a little announcement to make. From the moment forward, we're not gonna make any more toys. [Elves: What? Huh?]

Toy Santa:
The children of the world don't deserve these presents. They're running rampage with naughtiness. So, for this Christmas, we're gonna give these greedy, selfish little kids exactly what they deserve. A beautiful, high-quality, yet-low sulfur variety of coal! [Elves: Coal?!] Quiet! [Elf: We can't give them coal.] We have to focus, all of us, on the goals ahead. And just to make sure that happens. Thank you, sweetie. I hate to blow my own horn.

Toy Santa:
I was up late, can't sleep. Milk wouldn't do it, cocoa is sweet, so I decided to make my own army of toy soldiers. They don't have a good sense of humor like me. I would do what they ask you, which is really much what I'm gonna tell you!

Toy Santa:
Thank you for those kind words, Bernard. Well, now that we all have an understanding, have a joyous and merry Christmas!

Toy Santa:
[as coal tumbles] Merry Christmas!

Toy Santa:
Let me outta here, you kiddies! Wait a minute, something's shocking me.

Toy Santa:
I promise I'll be nice!

Curtis:
The toy Santa's gone completely outta control. He's locked up the elves, shut down the workshop, he thinks everybody's naughty, and he's gonna give the whole world coal! [Scott: Well, then, how come Bernard didn't come down and tell me?] He's under house arrest. [Scott: Bernard?] Yeah. You gotta fly back with me to the North Pole and save Christmas! [Scott: I can't, I have no magic left. I'm outta magic, look.] I thought you had Comet.

Charlie:
My dad is the best thing of all and I can't tell anyone about it. You have no idea how hard that is walking around with that secret for all these years. And now on top of everything, you're going out with Principal Newman? I mean, and you don't even tell me about it! My whole life has become about secrets and I hate it!