Superhero Movie

I'm looking seriously over the city...in a squatting position.

I met a guy at Craigslist.

My parents were brutally murdered.

I...I guess so.

Those are Celine Dion lyrics!

If I hadn't pushed her out of the way she would have die...aaaaaaah!

Oh, sh*t.

I realize, we can never be together.

I think I have...superpowers!

Why yes. This is, healthy cough blood.

We have to go.

I just sh*t my pants.

I met a girl at Craigslist.

No, crazy is hearin' voices, talkin' to cats, datin' Paula Abdul. I am not crazy; I...am a visionary!

Are you frickin' insane?!

But, otherwise okay?

Good. You're a hard-working fine young man. Let's hope you're not brutally murdered, too!

With great power comes hot b*tches.

Look at you, eatin' junk food, wearin' fake beards.

You did surgery on me?

I can't breathe; you're kneelin' on my balls!

And once a month you'll bleed from your vagina!

Don't forget about the b*tches.

Why?

Watch where you're going in slo-mo, dipshit!

I'll drive.

The lady was badly hurt.

Badly!

That's a lie. I think of suicide every single day.

Whatever!

Hey anyone want to get high? I have some hash with me. White guy in the dreads, you know what I am talking about? Can I get a what-what? Holla! I've got a stiff pole for your sweet hole. Anyone? Anyone? Pussi

You have an incredible ass!

[before falling down afrer Albert pushed him] Shiiiit!...

Take it out, with another piece of glass!

I'll get the tweezers.

No, it's not your dead wife.

Yes, you see, we confused you with one of our sex-change patients, but don't worry, we didn't remove your penis. We did, however, cut off your testicles, but since your wife's dead, you won't be needin' 'em!

She can't walk, she can't talk. She has no control over her bowels

I know. I went ahead and set up a myspace account for her under "Crazyshitmachine" [Rick look at him, appaled]. She already has 40 friends

Yes I know...(while fainting)

How do I know that baby's even mine?!

SH*T!

Squatting on a glass table...two girls...one cup...you know what to do!

We have people who can walk through walls. And we have people who think they can walk through walls!

Because he can do this!

Make a costume, sh*t-head! I swear, they're gettin' dumber and dumber every year!

How's that feel, Invisi-B*tch?!

Dude, you're on my gargoyle.

What are you doing?

Get a blanket or something.

Holy Sh*t.

Get the fire extinguisher.

Aah stop you idiot.

How was she hurt?

I'm the editor-in-chief! I know the mayor of Venus! Hamburgers can see the future!

Sorry about that, we share the building with a mental hospital!

Mr. Landers has just*(clapping)

i love u like your father did.. i believed in you like your father did .. i had sex with your mother just like your father did

Lance Landers:
Ah, Rick Riker. How are your parents?

Rick:
They died violently nine years ago.

Lance Landers:
But, otherwise okay?

Mental Hospital Patient:
[on phone]No, you listen to me! This is the Empire City Times, not some two-bit rag. I want that story on my desk by the end of business tonight or you're fired! [Presses button for another line] Wilkins, I've got tomorrow's editorial: When you sleep with someone, you're sleeping with everyone they ever slept with! Does that make you gay? Yes, yes it does! [hangs up phone and turns to Rick] Who the hell are you?!

Rick:
Hi i'm Rick Riker, I was wondering if you had a job opening for--

Mental Hospital Patient:
Job?! JOB!? How dare you come in here and ask me for a job! I've turned down millions of saps like you, and i'll turn down a million more. I'm the editor-in-chief! I can start fires with my mind. I know the mayor of Venus! Hamburgers can see the future! Rosie O'Donnell is-[carried out of the office by two men]

Editor-in-Chief:
Sorry about this. We share the building with a mental hospital.

Dr. Whitby:
[about Aunt Lucille] She can't walk, she can't talk. She has no control over her bowels.

Rick:
That's terrible!

Dr. Whitby:
I know. I went ahead and set up a MySpace account for her under "Crazyshitmachine" [Rick looks at him, appaled]. She already has 40 friends.

Professor Xavier:
Hello, Rick.

Rick:
Who are you and how do you know my name?

Professor Xavier:
I'm a psychic.

Rick:
Prove it.

Professor Xavier:
Think of any number between one and a million and I'll tell you what it is.

Rick:
Nine.

Professor Xavier:
Not out loud, dumbass! Come with me, you dumb son-of-a-b*tch.

Chief Karlin:
The lady was badly hurt.

Interviewer:
How was she hurt?

Chief Karlin:
Badly!