National Lampoon's Van Wilder

Van Wilder:
Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.

Van Wilder:
Are you stalking me? 'Cause that would be super.

Van Wilder:
Hey, look. That old bag is stronger than she looks.

Van Wilder:
And thus, 'Topless Tutors' was born.

Van Wilder:
Sharing a half-calf latte and a penalty box with Gwen Pearson who believes that censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.

Van Wilder:
Don't be a fool, stay in school.

Van Wilder:
Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.

Van Wilder:
All this time I thought I was more to you than some flaccid story.

Van Wilder:
You must be Pre-Med Dick.

Van Wilder:
Her name is Naomi. That's 'I MOAN' backwards.

Van Wilder:
Richard, you rascal, you never told me you were a DIK! [under breath] Not that you had to.

Van Wilder:
I'd like you to meet Sherri and Terri. Two girls utterly infatuated with men who have larger than normal... medulla oblongata's.

Van Wilder:
Well, it is the NAKED mile run; everyone else will be in their birthday suits. Except for that guy...

Van Wilder:
Write that down.

Van Wilder:
Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.

Van Wilder:
Those circus midgets can NOT hold their booze!

Van Wilder:
Oh God. If he's here who's running hell?

Van Wilder:
I learned a long time ago you can't treat every situation like it's life and death. Cause you'll die a lot of times.

Van Wilder:
Sometimes you gotta let your heart lead you, even if you know it's someplace you know you're not supposed to be.

Taj Mahal Badalandabad:
Tit! Oh mummy. Most Indians would say cow because they are sacred, but, I hear milk I think giant jugs. I can not go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that sh*t, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

Taj Mahal Badalandabad:
This is the White Barry.

Taj Mahal Badalandabad:
You... you.... you.... you p*ssy ass mother f***er dick sucker!

Other Characters:
Richard: You do not call her that, Gonad!

Other Characters:
Vance Wilder, Sr: Sweet Joseph, my son's a fairy.

Other Characters:
Jeannie: It was the greatest ten seconds. Ever.

Other Characters:
Applicant: I see a rabbi. And he's performing a circumcision...on himself though.

Van:
Blue. It brings out your eyes. Kid's got killer eyes; not unlike yourself. Anyone ever tell you that?

Gwen:
Yes, my boyfriend.

Van:
Now, repeat after me. No cock pump...

Taj:
No cock pump.

Taj:
This is the culmination of my being.

Naomi:
Baby, I'm about to culminate, now get over here.

Vance Wilder, Sr.:
Van is still in school?

Assistant:
For the better part of a decade.

Vance Wilder, Sr.:
And, schedule in a massage.

Assistant:
With a Happy Ending?

Vance Wilder, Sr.:
Ah Yes.

Jeannie:
This party so rocks, Richard!

Richard:
This party sucks rectum, Jeannie!

McDoogle:
Ok, Wilder. Let's dance.

Van:
It's a good day to die, McDoogle.

[during sex]

Jeannie:
P.S. This an awesome room.

Richard:
P.S. Shut the f*** up!

Tagline:
The Tradition Continues

Tagline:
Don't Graduate. Celebrate.

Tagline:
If you're going for an advanced degree in partying...Why graduate?

Tagline:
No party gets started until it gets wilder.

Tagline:
Born to be wilder!

Tagline:
All the girls want him. All the boys want to be him.

Tagline:
Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out alive.

Vance Wilder Sr:
Do you know where I might find Van Wilder?

Aaron Paul:
In the Guinness book of world-f***ing-records man under Reddest F***ing Dude Alive

Vance Wilder Sr:
Ok..... Thanks

Aaron Paul:
In any one of these three rooms gramps.

Prof. McDoogle:
Apathy is the glove in which evil slips its hand.