Speed Zone

Leo Ross:
Tiffany, sweetie. You remember Charlie, our driver?

Tiffany:
Hello again, Mr. Cronin.

Charlie Cronin:
[raspy voiced] Hello! Hello, hello?

Leo Ross:
Charlie, you remember Tiffany, don't you?

Charlie Cronin:
[raspy voiced] Yes! Yes. Oatmeal, I forgot to add the water.

Alec:
So, Vic. What do you think of my idea of writing down the license numbers now?

Vic DeRubis:
Yeah, yeah, yeah! It's a great idea! How many times you gotta bring it up? [on phone] Uh, the license is as follows: R-I-C-H... Uh, I think that spells "Rich"... Kids... with a "k"... for "kids".

Police Chief Spiro T. Edsel:
Use unnecessary force, if necessary!

Mr. Benson:
What's this? A Volvo? A Volvo! Pass it! Pass it, pass it!

[winds down window]

Mr. Benson:
Why don't you go back to Sweden, ya bunch of yodellers!

[Margaret's Fuzzbuster goes off]

Margaret:
That's strange. That only happens when there's cops around. Say, sugar, whatcha got under there?

[Gus takes off his towel]

Gus Gold:
Nothing.

Lea Roberts:
You're right about that.

Vic DeRubis:
Alec?

Alec Stewart:
Did you talk to Big Wally?

Vic DeRubis:
Yeah, yeah. I told him you got away on me. He was very... unhappy.

Alec Stewart:
Trust me. It's the BRIGHTEST move you ever made.

Vic DeRubis:
Yeah, well, meanwhile, my reputation as an enforcer has been permanently... soiled.

Alec Stewart:
But when we win, you just say you caught up with me and I gave you the 50 grand, then we SPLIT the other 50 grand and everyones happy.

Vic DeRubis:
Right. Hey! (Grabs Alec) WAIT A MINUTE! The deal is: I get 35, YOU get 15.

Alec Stewart:
Isn't that what I said?

Vic DeRubis:
You just said we'd split it.

Alec Stewart:
But I didn't say we'd split it EVENLY. YOU get 15, and I get 35.

Both:
Right.

Vic DeRubis:
And if we don't win?

Alec Stewart:
Then you kill me.

[Long silence, then both enter the Jag]

Flash:
Move over.

Valentino Rosatti:
Huh?

Flash:
Move *over*!

[Valentino climbs into the passenger seat]

Valentino Rosatti:
Please, mister, it's not my fault. My brother Donato, he make me do this. Please, sir! Don't put me in jail with the Manson family!

[Flash climbs into the car]

Flash:
Get your seatbelt on and put your hands on the dashboard. Come on! We've got some catching up to do.

Alec:
Look, what would Big Wally rather have? Me dead or his fifty grand?

Vic DeRubis:
Both.

Tiffany:
You really want to win this thing, don't you?

Charlie Cronin:
Oh, absolutely. I mean winning the Cannonball. That's something you tell your grandkids about.

Tiffany:
You're a grandfather? You look so young.

Charlie Cronin:
Oh no, I'm not a grandfather yet. I hope to have grandkids someday, but I'm not a grandfather yet.

Tiffany:
Oh, I see what you mean. It's nice to have things in your life that are important. But to do the things you want to do, you have to do things you don't want to do.

Randolph van Sloan:
Uh, what do you think you're doing? What, are you crazy?

Nelson van Sloan:
Relax. I've got a brilliant idea.

Randolph van Sloan:
Yeah, well, so far I don't like it.

Nelson van Sloan:
So far, you haven't even heard it.

Randolph van Sloan:
Alright, what is it?

Nelson van Sloan:
I'll tell you once we get to the airport.

Randolph van Sloan:
Airport? What airport?

Nelson van Sloan:
The Dulles Airport.

Randolph van Sloan:
Are we going to Fresno?

Nelson van Sloan:
Fresno? Who said anything about Fresno? Did I say anything about Fresno?

Randolph van Sloan:
Well, you said the dullest airport and the dullest airport I know of is in Fresno.

Nelson van Sloan:
I didn't say dullEST! I said Dulles! Dulles! Read my lips!

Randolph van Sloan:
I wonder if they're gonna feed us on this flight.

Frenchman:
I... do not speak English... too good.

Randolph van Sloan:
Francois?

Frenchman:
Oui, oui. Francais.

Randolph van Sloan:
Je ne parla... uh, je ne par... je ne parl... no speaka French.

Frenchman:
You would like my penis?

Randolph van Sloan:
Hmmm?

Frenchman:
You would like my penis?

Randolph van Sloan:
Uh, I'm on my way to L.A. to meet with my wife and two kids... uh, three kids. We're gonna have a nice little family reunion.

Frenchman:
You would like my penis?

Randolph van Sloan:
Look, I don't have a problem with it. It's just not my thing, alright?

Frenchman:
[holding a bag of peanuts] You wouldn't like?

Randolph van Sloan:
Peanuts! Peanuts! Oh, thank you. Sorry, I thought you were talking about something else.

Flash:
That tells you where movie stars live! Is that the best one they had?

Valentino Rosatti:
It's alright. I find Santa Monica Pier.

Flash:
So, how do we get there?

Valentino Rosatti:
[checking the map] Ah! Ah! Turn right here at Sly Stallone's house. Then it's a left at Lucy Ball's.

Flash:
[looking at the house] That's Stallone's house?

[the Ferrari stops at a red light]

Lea Roberts:
Okay, baby, let's go to work.

Margaret:
How about we start with a few green lights?

[Margaret uses her computer to turn the lights green and the Ferrari takes off. The other Cannonballers approach the intersection]

Margaret:
Time to separate the men from the girls!

[Margaret uses her computer to turn the lights back to red]

[the beam from a signal mirror repeatedly flashes in Edsel's face]

Police Chief Spiro T. Edsel:
Whoever it is with that signal mirror, I want his badge number! I'll personally crack that signal mirror over his head!

[Vic looks over the roadblock with binoculars]

Vic DeRubis:
Get in the car, Alec.

Alec:
What?

Vic DeRubis:
Get in the car, Alec! I'm gonna drive!

Alec:
Vic, you turn that frown upside-down right now!

[Vic grabs Alec by the collar]

Vic DeRubis:
I'll turn YOU upside-down right now!

[Alec races towards the finish in the police car]

Alec Stewart:
Four to one, Vic! The Jag wins!

Vic DeRubis:
Yeah, but we're not in the Jag.

Alec Stewart:
It doesn't matter, Vic! The Jag wins, we win!

Alec Stewart:
[singing] But more, much more than this, I did it my way!

[Alec hides in the bathroom after the race is cancelled]

Vic DeRubis:
Open it, Alec! There ain't no race, so I gotta kill you!

Alec Stewart:
I can't let you do it, Vic! You'll hate yourself in the morning!

[Jack has just run a police roadblock]

Heather Scott:
Jack, what are you doing?

Jack O'Neill:
There's something screwy here. I just know it.

Heather Scott:
Oh, right. A cop is going to stand in the middle of Armpit, Kansas just to lie to you.

Margaret:
[to a pair of surfers] Oh, Todd!

Lea Roberts:
You know him?

Margaret:
No, but one them's always named Todd.