Stan Helsing

Needlehead:
His scent leads to this store. But remember, I get the first taste of his raw flesh.

Nadine:
I can't believe I ever went out with you.

Stan Helsing:
The best six weeks of your life.

Nadine:
It was two weeks.

Stan Helsing:
Yeah, but I was doing you in my mind for the other four.

Fweddy:
Can you say "b*tch slap"?

Mason:
We're not gonna go that easy.

Stan Helsing:
Oh, actually, you both have the same weakness.

Stan Helsing:
That doll mimed a blowj*b and started smacking his ass. That's so weird.

Nadine:
No no no no. That's not weird at all. It's you know, it's a MILF driving a car with a doll that's miming a blowj*b and spanking his ass. Yeah yeah.

Teddy:
Sound perfectly normal.

Mia:
My brother said I used to give his GI Joe doll a boner.

Nadine:
Okay, you probably want to keep that to yourself.

Stan Helsing:
This van just went from an automatic to a stick shift, Teddy got a boner.

Mia:
Okay, you guys, be totally honest. Does my vagina make me look fat?

Fweddy:
It's a boy!

Teddy:
Man, this whole town is dead.

Mia:
Oh my God. Maybe this is like "The Sixth Sense" and we're the ones who are really dead.

Nadine:
You know what, Mia? I've been holding something back all night, so I'm gonna go ahead and say it now: That doesn't make any sense, you stupid b*tch.

Stan Helsing:
[looks up Mia's undies] I think now it would be a great time for a reverse POV.

Teddy:
Say, this is a fantasy. You don't walk out on a fantasy like that.

[to Stan]

Teddy:
Man, the next time three fine women with their breasteses exposed ask if your name is Van Helsing, the answer is YES!

Mia:
Sounds like Sammy Boy finally got his raw meat.

[first lines]

Stan Helsing:
[picking up a ringing phone] Schlockbuster. Happy Halloween.

[pause]

Stan Helsing:
Yeah yeah yeah, we carry porn.

[pause]

Stan Helsing:
What do I recommend? Well... "Schindler's Fist", "How Stella Got Her Tube Packed", "Six Degrees of Penatration". This is a good one. "Glad He Ate Her".

[pause]

Stan Helsing:
Yeah, yeah, okay. You're welcome, Grandma.

Stan Helsing:
[confronted by a giant cockroach in a restroom stall] Oh, cock... roach. Sorry, dude! I thought this was available, but it's okay. I don't actually need it, 'cause I just pissed myself. You look tense. Uh... you need a magazine? Toilet paper? Here, I'll get you a magazine.

[the giant cockroach grabs Stan]

Stan Helsing:
Ah, I see you're a fan of the Kobe Bryant position.