Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People Episode 2: Strong Badia the Free

[Strong Bad arrives at Pompomerania]

Strong Bad:
[narrating] Pompomerania: exotic land of enchantment, mystery and ladies' drink specials on Tuesday nights! I quickly made my way to a trendy pwahty cloughb in the nation's capital... [he looks at the camera and repeats the line, "A trendy pwahty cloughb"]... for a summit with their pop-o-matic prime minister.

[He walks up to Bubs, tending the bar]

Bubs:
Hey, Strong Bad!

Strong Bad:
[shocked] Bubs? You're the leader of Pompomerania?

Bubs:
Heck, no! I'm just tending bar and doing some occasional translational work. And I'm definitely not embezzling thousands in cash from the club!

Strong Bad:
How sweet of you.

[Strong Bad arrives at a stone bridge]

Strong Bad:
[narrating] Next on the itinerary of doom: the savage, war-like people of Country! [He sees the flag of Country, which is simply the word "Country" written on a plain white fabric] "Country"? Aww, man, sounds like Strong Mad's gettin' held back another year. And his finger-painting had improved so much.

[Strong Bad has burned the flag, the Constitution and the Bill of Rights of Strong Sad's Bleak House with a cigarette lighter]

Strong Bad:
Let the occupation begin!

Strong Sad:
Well, you can burn whatever you want, but you'll never put out the fire in my people's hearts!

Strong Bad:
Ah, a resistance movement. How quaint. I trust you've heard of my Secret The Cheat? [the Cheat enters, brandishing a pair of nail clippers and a second cigarette lighter]

Strong Sad:
All right, I give up! I'll be usurped by Strong Badia.

Strong Bad:
Today, Blecch House; tomorrow, the wor...

Strong Sad:
Can I at least be your cultural adviser?

Strong Bad:
As long as that doesn't mean you follow me around everywhere and waste my time trying to talk to me.

Strong Sad:
Actually, that's exactly what it means.

Marzipan:
Homestar, I told you I don't like you having all your friends over to watch the game and plan paramilitary operations without asking me first.

Homestar Runner:
Oh, you granola bars are all the same! Except for the ones with chocolate chips! You enjoy your freedom to not wash your hair, and play hackey sack, but aren't willing to put an orange bowl on your head, and wave a spoon around!

Marzipan:
[very frustrated] Okay, that is it, Homestar. We are THROUGH!

Homestar Runner:
Good!

Marzipan:
Fine!

Homestar Runner:
Better! Your side is East Marzistar, and my side is East Homezipan! Midway along the border we'll set up Checkpoint The Cheat.

Marzipan:
Why don't you just make your own country at your house?

Homestar Runner:
No way! There's a squirrel in the attic that I sometimes think is a spooky ghost!

Marzipan:
[walking off] Whatever!

[Homestar spins the Draft Wheel to select Coach Z as a recruit, but it fails]

Homestar Runner:
Well, the draft didn't work, Strong Bad. Only one thing left to do: clone an army of mutant super-soldiers.

Strong Bad:
No, Homestar, we... [he is quickly taken by surprise] Wait. That was an option? How come you come up with the unbelievably cool ideas only AFTER I'm committed to this one?

[Homestar details to Marzipan the siege of the King of Town's castle in the style of a Ken Burns-directed documentary]

Homestar Runner:
My dearest Marzipan, the siege on the castle continues. We are forever surrounded by the brown stench of war and the constant beige screaming. Always the beige screaming. We have suffered great losses. The Cheat was the first to turn tail and join the enemy, followed closely by the traitorous Coach Z, which, incidentally, is his new rap name. I've done things I'm not proud of. I can only dream of the day when this madness ends and I can return to your "arms" once again. Your lovable cuddliness, Homestar Runner.

Marzipan:
[clearly upset] Don't be stupid, Homestar.

Homestar Runner:
Okay.

Marzipan:
The siege last five minutes and that was a week ago. It was like the King of Town *wanted* to give up.

Homestar Runner:
The Homestarmy sure showed him a thing or twelve!

Marzipan:
Whatever. I just wanted to tell you *again* to pick up your stupid draft wheel from my house. I need the yard for my Down With The King rally. Now I'm going back town to protest you/everything you stand for.

[She leaves in a huff]

Homestar Runner:
Okay, Marzipan! Call me!

[Strong Bad has put all of the Homsartifacts into a pylon at the Homsar Reservation in order to speak to Homsar]

Strong Bad:
[to Homsar about the pylon] How does that Popsicle stand work anyway?

Homsar:
[deep voice] You have reassembled the sacred elemental items of collection. Ordinarily, you would have to face a punishingly difficult final dungeon and disappointing end cutscene. But the ancient prophecy foretold of a young boy that would one day come to usher in a new era of...

Strong Bad:
[annoyed] All right, shut up, filibuster. Never would've asked if I'd known you were such a windbag.

[Strong Bad has successfully taken over the King of Town's castle]

Strong Bad:
[annoyed] Oh, how could I have known being King of Town would suck so many eggs? Wait, how *couldn't* I have known?

Strong Sad:
There, there, my liege. That emptiness you feel inside? I want you to take that, and cram it full of chimichangas!

Coach Z:
No taxin' without representin'!

[Strong Bad, having been freed from his house arrest, gathers the other Homestar characters in Strong Badia]

Strong Bad:
Friends and losers, my long incarceration has taught me that we can never be truly free until we reject the fat-thority of The King of Town. Hencetoforthwith, I shall only refer to him as the Of Town. As of today, Strong Badia is its own independent nation!

[everyone gasps]

Strong Bad:
The Cheat, if you will...

[the Cheat turns on a boom box and organ music plays as Strong Bad stands in front of a giant version of the Strong Badia flag]

Strong Bad:
We should all live in a place where we can be free! Free to pick our friends, free to pick our noses, and, most importantly, free to pick our friends' noses!

[the Strong Badia national anthem plays]

Strong Bad:
That's why I, Strong Bad of the mighty tighty-whities, declare war on the Of Town! Who's with me?

[there is no answer, save for a howling wind; everyone has deserted him, save for The Cheat]

Strong Bad:
...Where'd everybody go?

The Cheat:
[the Cheat noises]

Strong Bad:
*Seceded*? They can't do that! *I'm* the only one who gets his own country!

[first lines]

Strong Bad:
[singing as he checks an email on his Lappy 486] I don't know, but I've been told, e-mail's best when it don't scroll!

E-mail:
Hey Strong Bad! What's the dumbest law the King of Town has ever passed? Don't you think you'd be a better ruler than the King of Town? Your pal, Roy T. Castle Hill.

Strong Bad:
[typing response] Well, Roytee, it goes without saying that I'd be a better ruler than the King of Town. But seriously, who wants that job? Stuck in a castle all day, stuck making dumb laws, probably stuck in the bathtub... no thanks, man. And the King of Town's mostly harmless. [He shows off a drawing of the King of Town] Sure he's stupid looking, as this scientific diagram illustrates, but he stays out of my business, and that lazy faire approach to government is a welcome alternative. [he looks directly into the camera] Ooh, I think I'd like to go the lazy fair.

Strong Bad:
The King of Town put me under house arrest!

Strong Sad:
*House* arrest? That's not fair!

Strong Bad:
Seriously! I mean... Wait, why are *you* upset?

Strong Sad:
I was hoping you'd get sent back to prison and I'd get some peace! I've got an unassembled model of the Kon-Tiki that's just waiting for your next incarceration!

Strong Bad:
What's the best way to destroy an invisible fence?

Strong Sad:
Well, if you can short out the transformer, then do that. Otherwise, burn... Hey, wait a second. Is this something illegal?

Strong Bad:
No! It's... a... radio call-in show question. Hurry up so I can be the fourth caller.

Strong Sad:
I don't want to get charged with aiding and abetting a criminal again!

Strong Bad:
Onward to Strong Badia! Strong Badia, *the Free*!

Homestar Runner:
Hey, that's the name of this...

Strong Bad:
Shut up!

[Strong Bad gives Bubs Strong Sad's pretendix in a jar]

Bubs:
Is that what I think it is?

Strong Bad:
Depends on what you think it is.

Bubs:
A jar of grandma's homemade gribbledangs?

Strong Bad:
Uh, no. It's Strong Sad's pretendix.

Bubs:
A real-live pretendix! Even better! I'll trade you for it, no questions asked.

Strong Bad:
What'll you give me for it?

Bubs:
For one that big, anything I got in stock. Which is just this broken piece of an old pot.

[gives Strong Bad the pottery shard]

Strong Bad:
Did I just get ripped off?

Bubs:
[suddenly angry] I said no questions asked!

Strong Bad:
[to Homsar] Greetings, floatyman! My name is called Strong Bad. [He then speaks in a halting, condescending voice] I need to get through your land so I can clean the Of Town's clock. Do you understand?

Homsar:
AaAaAaAaA, I'm a knock-knock joke about jogging suits.

Strong Bad:
I'm no linguini-ist, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't a "yes".

[Strong Bad and Strong Sad are at the Homsar Reservation]

Strong Bad:
Can you understand what the natives are saying?

Strong Sad:
Of course not! Nobody's ever been able to decipher the Homsar language! Archeologists believe a combination of ancient artifacts may be the key, but no one's ever found them. Didn't you learn ANYTHING in your post-Strong Badian-secession history classes? That I held in my room in a little tent I made out of my sheets?

Strong Bad:
I don't study history, friend. I *makes* it.

The King of Town:
[entering Strong Bad's computer room] Aha! Caught you red gloved-ed!

Strong Bad:
The King of Town? How'd you get in here?

The King of Town:
In flagrant disregard of my new e-mail tax, eh? One Creamy Ding snack cake for every e-mail sent or received!

Strong Bad:
Email tax? Flagrant? Creamy Ding?

The King of Town:
Oh, so you refuse to pay? Poopsmith, administer the collar of obedience!

[the Poopsmith enters, clubs Strong Bad senseless and puts on his neck a metal collar with a flashing red light on it]

Strong Bad:
What're you doing? Hey, cut that out! Ow! My freedom!

The King of Town:
You are under house arrest. You have the right to bribe me. Anything you offer will be eaten by me whether cooked or raw.

[he shows off a pulsating electronic security gate at Strong Bad's front door, bearing matching lights to Strong Bad's collar]

The King of Town:
Try walking past that fence downstairs, and *blammo*! Hope you weren't attached to that head. And one more thing...

[the king takes and eats Strong Bad's map from "Homestar Ruiner"]

Strong Bad:
My map! I need that!

The King of Town:
This'll make sure you stay put until you can pay up! Now let's ride, Poopsmith! Gotta go collect on my new pour-a-bag-of-jellybeans-down-my-gullet tax!

[they leave]

Strong Bad:
House arrest? Aw, man, this is the worst thing to happen to my style in a long line of bad things happening to my style. I gotta find a way outta here, and give that uncharacteristically oppressive King of Town a serious mustache pounding.

[last lines]

The King of Town:
[back in his castle] What's a king gotta do to get some chili mac up in here?

Homestar Runner:
Do you have any fruit to declare?

Strong Bad:
You're a shady, shady character, Bubs.

Bubs:
It's cool in the shade.

Strong Bad:
[as he tries to get the Homestarmy back together] I thought we were bros!

Homestar Runner:
Wait, I thought I thought we were bros, and you're always beating various stuffings out of me.

[in the King of Town's castle, Strong Bad checks an email on the king's Snacky 186]

E-mail:
Hey Strong Bad! What's the dumbest law the King of Town has ever passed? Don't you think you'd be a better ruler than the King of Town? Your pal, Roy T. Castle Hill. [Strong Bad skim-reads the email, before exclaiming the email sender's name in disbelief]

Strong Sad:
So it was all an elaborate ruse to trick you into taking over his empire!

Strong Bad:
An elaborate ruse? Would you call that chicanery?

Strong Sad:
I actually might, yes.

Strong Bad:
[bitterly] Oh, that's it. I draw the line at chicanery. The Of Town, you're goin' of down!

Strong Sad:
You can't mean...?

Strong Bad:
I'm getting the King of Town out of my house and back on this Energy Star-compliant throne!

Marzipan:
Didn't you see the warning message about the new e-mail tax?

Strong Bad:
[mimicking Marzipan] No, I didn't see the warning message about the new e-mail tax. [normal voice] All messages from the King of Town get intercepted with extreme prejudice by my idiot filter.

Homestar Runner:
But I sent you all kinds of reminder e-mails!

Strong Bad:
Idiot filter.

Homestar Runner:
But I sent you all kinds of reminder e-mails!

Strong Bad:
Idiot... Never mind.

Strong Bad:
The O.T.'s computer looks like it was designed for a mix between three-year-olds and train car hobos.

Strong Bad:
[examining the King of Town's Snacky 186 templates section] What? The king doesn't even type out his own emails? Talk about lay-zay. How am I supposed to pick items from a drop-down list with boxing gloves on? Typing, I can handle. Don't ask me how.

Strong Bad:
Aren't you tired of that The Of Town cramping your style?

Homestar Runner:
Oh, you got THAT right! I don't like the way his castle sits up there, undressing me with its eyes.

Strong Bad:
What're you gonna do when they INVADE?

Homestar Runner:
[alarmed] Invade Homezipan? Call the militia! This is not a drill, people!

Strong Bad:
Do you even HAVE a militia?

Homestar Runner:
Holy crap, we're defenseless! That settles it: I'm getting the band back together! I'm bringing back the Homestarmy!

Marzipan:
What was that?

Homestar Runner:
Uh... I said I'm bringing back the Peaceful Homezipan Gentle Flower-Planting Brigade, dear.