Ted

[from trailer]

[thunder is heard outside]

Lori:
I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?

John:
I am not!

[Ted comes running into the bed]

Ted:
Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?

John:
F***ing right.

Ted:
Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.

John:
Alright.

John, Ted:
[singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "F*** you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!" [blow raspberries]

[from trailer]

Ted:
[dressed in a suit and tie] I look stupid.

John:
No, you don't, you look dapper.

Ted:
John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.

Lori:
[Enters apartment and sees Ted and four hookers on the couch watching TV] Oh...

Ted:
Lori, hey, you're home early.

Lori:
What the hell is this?

Ted:
The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.

Lori:
This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?

Ted:
Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!

Lori:
[Looks down on floor] What is that?

Ted:
Wha- what is what?

Lori:
There's a... a sh*t on my floor! In the corner, there is a sh*t!

Ted:
Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.

Lori:
There is a sh*t on my floor!

Ted:
Well, or, or, is the floor on the sh*t? Is what Kierkegaard would say.

John:
[John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!

Ted:
Hahaha!

John:
Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!

Ted:
Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.

John:
[Enters the apartment] I found my phone. What's going on.

[John suddenly looks down on the floor]

John:
Is that a sh*t?

[Lori looks at John]

[from trailer]

Ted:
I met a girl; she's a cashier.

John:
No way! That's awesome! We should f***in' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?

Ted:
White trash name. Guess.

John:
Mandy.

Ted:
Nope.

John:
Marilyn.

Ted:
Nope.

John:
Brittany?

Ted:
Nope.

John:
Tiffany.

Ted:
Nope.

John:
Candace.

Ted:
Nope.

John:
Don't f*** with me on this! I know this sh*t!

Ted:
Do you see me f***in' with you? I'm completely serious.

John:
Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you f***in' buzz it, okay? You got me?

Ted:
You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.

John:
Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, f***in' *Becky*?

Ted:
No.

John:
Wait; was it any of those names with a "Lynn" after it?

Ted:
*Yes*.

John:
Oh, I got you, motherf***er! I got you! [Ted laughs] Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...

Ted:
Tami-Lynn.

John:
[Exasperated] *F****!

Tom Skerritt:
My daughter better still be alive you sick son of a b*tch.

Ted:
Oh hey listen, try this, I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that. [Ted passes a bong to John] .

John:
What is this?

Ted:
It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.

John:
It doesn't sound very mellow.

Ted:
Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!

John:
[calling 911] This guy took my teddy bear!

[pause]

John:
Hello? Hello?

John:
[during a flashback to 2008] Chris Brown can do no wrong!

Ted:
[to fat kid] Back off, Susan Boyle!

Southern Newscaster:
[regarding Ted coming to life] Look what Jesus did! Look what Jesus did!

Frank:
You think you got what it takes?

Ted:
I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's p*ssy on my breath.

Frank:
Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.

Ted:
That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.

Frank:
You're hired.

Ted:
Sh*t.

Ted:
There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.

Lori:
There's a sh*t on the floor!

Ted:
Or, or, or, maybe the floor is on the sh*t.

Robert:
You can't have my Teddy bear!

[Charges John and Lori at full speed. John punches him in the nose, knocking him unconscious to the ground]

Lori:
Jesus!

John:
I'm sorry, but somebody had to go all Joan Crawford on his ass!

John:
I think back to that Christmas morning and I wish I'd just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

Ted:
Say that again.

John:
Teddy Rux-f***in'-pin

Ted:
I look like Snuggles' accountant

John:
Can you call my cellphone?

Lori:
Yeah

[Lori calls John's phone which plays "The Imperial March"]

Lori:
Is that my ringtone? What is that? Cause it sounds really negative.

John:
No. I-it's from The Notebook

[Norah Jones is in her dressing room preparing a drink when Ted and John arrive]

Ted:
Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut!

Norah Jones:
Teddy!

Ted:
Hahaha! How are you?

Norah Jones:
[Hugs Ted] How are you, you fuzzy a**hole?

Ted:
Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.

Norah Jones:
Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.

Ted:
Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.

John:
[Approaches Norah to shake her hand] Hi, hi, Norah Jones.

Norah Jones:
Hey. Hey there, sweaty. [wipes hand on her dress] Um, you ready to bring down the house?

John:
Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.

Ted:
Jesus, you look fantastic.

Norah Jones:
Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.

Ted:
[laughs] Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.

Norah Jones:
Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.

Ted:
Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.

Narrator:
Now if there's one thing you can be sure of, it's that nothing is more powerful than a young boy's wish. Except an Apache helicopter. An Apache helicopter has machine guns AND missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.

Narrator:
No matter how big a splash you make in this world whether you're Corey Feldman, Frankie Muniz, Justin Bieber or a talking teddy bear, eventually, nobody gives a sh*t.

Ted:
Your co-worker was making out with that Van Wilder look-alike.

Lori:
[after Tami-Lynn leave after an argument with Lori] What a c*nt.

John:
[covers his ears] No, I hate that word!

Ted:
[Regarding him split in half] God... I look like the robot from Aliens.

Ted:
[sigh] Look, John... loves you very much. More than anything in the world, and he's... fallin' to f***in' pieces without ya. Y'know, he knows he screwed up huge, but, you gotta believe me: it wasn't all his fault... Alright? I told him to bale on you, that night at Rex's. And he said, "No."... He said, "No." He was gonna stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori... I promise, I will leave and I will never come back. Alright? He'll be all yours.

Lori:
Ted, that's a really nice offer, but I don't want you to do that... This is between John and me, and... I don't think it can be fixed...

Ted:
Yeah, because o' me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man... Alright? But, as long as he's got his teddy bear... he's always gonna be a boy... He's waitin' down at Charlie's right now. So, if you go down there, and just talk to him... I'll be gone when you get back... forever. And... you'll see... He'll never be scared of thunder again.

Lori:
Can I give you a ride home?

John:
No thanks, I'll walk. I might get raped but if I do I'll know it's my fault because of what I'm wearing.

Sam J. Jones:
Death to Ming!

Ted:
[to Tami-Lynn] You have a baby? Is it alive?

John:
[Imitating Ted] Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea. Let's go get drunk and puke on cars on the overpass.

Ted:
Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!

Johnny Carson:
You know I thought you'd be taller.

Young Ted:
I thought *you* were gonna be funnier.

[last lines, as Ted and Sam Jones do a "flash jump" after John and Lori's wedding]

Narrator:
And that's the story of how one magical wish forever changed the lives of three very special friends.

[footage of Ted and Tami-Lynn on their double date with John and Lori]

Narrator:
Ted and Tami-Lynn continued their torrid love affair for quite some time. One afternoon Ted was caught behind the deli counter eating potato salad off of Tami- Lynn's bare bottom. He was instantly promoted to store manager.

[footage of Sam Jones walking toward John at Ted's party]

Narrator:
Sam Jones moved back to Hollywood with the goal of restarting his film career. He currently resides in Burbank where he shares a studio apartment with his roommate Brandon Routh.

[photo of Brandon Routh]

Narrator:
Remember Brandon Routh from that godawful "Superman" movie? Jesus Christ. Thanks for getting our hopes up and taking a giant sh*t on us.

[footage of Rex at the office]

Narrator:
Rex gave up his pursuit of Lori. Not long after he fell into a deep depression and died of Lou Gehrig's disease.

[footage of Donny dancing in his living room]

Narrator:
Donny was arrested by Boston police and charged with kidnapping a plush toy. The charges were dropped when everyone realized how completely stupid that sounded.

[footage of Robert in his bedroom]

Narrator:
Robert got a trainer, lost a substantial amount of weight, and went on to become Taylor Lautner.

[photo of Taylor Lautner]

Donny:
I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and, uh... I remember seeing you on the Carson Show and... you were just wonderful.

Ted:
Oh, yeah that was uh... that was weird ineterview: Ed thought I was ALF and he kept muttering anti semitic comments... he thought ALF was Jewish for some reason...

Donny:
Hey-hey um... Have you ever considered selling the bear?

John:
What?

Ted:
Excuse me?

Robert:
I want it.

Ted:
[defensively] Hey, I'm not an it, pal! I'm a he, alright?

John:
[Stammers and stands up; he speaks in a calm tone] I'm sorry little guy, but my bear isn't for sale. See, I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me.

Robert:
Stand up straight when you're talking to me!

John:
[Dumbfounded] Why the f*** would he say that?

Ted:
Company's turning 20, huh? So you can bang it but you can't get it drunk.

Sam J. Jones:
We are gonna party like the '80s.

Ted:
Show us how, Flash.

Sam J. Jones:
It's easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.

Ted:
Oh Johnny, I got so much energy. We gotta start doing stupid sh*t.

Ted:
[Ted and Tami-Lynn grunting and moaning] Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!

Frank:
You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.

Ted:
I f***ed her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.

Frank:
That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.

Ted:
You got a lot of problems, don't ya?

Guy:
He's been going out for four years. My longest relationship was, like, six months, and then she farted in her sleep. I'm like: I'm out of here, man, and I was gone before she woke up.

John:
We have been dating for four years tomorrow.

Ted:
F*** me! Nice!

John:
Let me ask you something. You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?

Ted:
What? Like anal?

Sam J. Jones:
We are gonna party like the 80s.

Ted:
Show us how, Flash!

Sam J. Jones:
Easy. We just gonna nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.

Ted:
[after a TV falls on John] Why are you crying?

John:
My dick was squished by the TV.

John:
I don't know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints.

Ted:
No. I know this guy a long time. I've known him since 9-11. You remember? I was, like, "Oh, sh*t, 9-11, I gotta get high."

[Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]

Norah Jones:
Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!

[John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]

Lori:
Oh... my God.

Rex:
Holy... sh*t.

[John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]

Ted:
I gotta f*** her again.

John:
Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.

[Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]

John:
[singing off-key] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...

Ted:
Still better than Katy Perry.

John:
[singing off-key] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind / [raises voice] We move as one / We're an all-time high...

Rex:
You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!

[Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]

Angry fan:
You're an a**hole!

[Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]

Norah Jones:
Oh Jesus!

[Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]

[Ted drives John's car out of the car rental lot, nearly hitting another car in front of him]

Driver:
A**hole!

Ted:
That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.

[John is in Thomas' office for being late and for Ted damaging one of the rental cars]

Thomas:
John, it's almost 10:00.

John:
I know, sir. I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.

Thomas:
What do you mean?

John:
Why? I, I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question.

Thomas:
John, all you got to do is to not f*** up, and you get my job when I go to Corporate next month. You're the new branch manager. All you got to do is not f*** up.

John:
I realize that.

Thomas:
Good. Glad to hear. Because in a month, my life could be your life. A cushy, $38,000 a year branch manager who is personal friends with Tom Skeritt? Not a bad life, is it?

John:
No.

Thomas:
[Taps desk] Let me show you something that I don't like to show people, because I don't want them treating me differently. [Pulls out a picture frame from his top drawer] Lo, that's me and Skeritt.

John:
Wow.

Thomas:
Goddamn right, wow. [Places picture frame back in drawer] I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late, okay? Try to be a little more responsible tomorrow.

John:
I will, sir. I promise.

[as Thomas writes the disciplinary report, John points at him with both hands]

John:
[Impersonating Tom Skeritt] Not gonna let you down, Goose.

Thomas:
What?

John:
Top Gun.

Thomas:
So?

John:
Tom Skeritt.

Thomas:
I know that. Get out of here, okay?

John:
Thank you, sir.

Ted:
Lori was right about you: you *cannot* take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.

John:
Oh, and *you* can?

Ted:
I don't *have* to! I'm a f***ing *teddy bear*! Y'know somethin'? I didn't tie you up and *drag* you to that party, alright? I *wanted* you to come, because you're *supposedly* my best friend!

John:
You can't stand there and tell me havin' been with Lori has always been a threat to our friendship! I mean, it always works out so much better for *you* when we're sittin' around gettin' *f***ed* up on the couch till nine am, doesn't it?

Ted:
[Scoffs] Listen to yourself. What am I, Emperor Ming here controllin' your mind? That's *your* choice, John! And by blamin' me, you're just makin' yourself look like a p*ssy.

[Rex escorts John to the second floor of his house, showing off all of his expensive memorabilia]

Rex:
This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at an auction.

John:
Wow, cool.

Rex:
Yeah, cool. [Pointing at boxing gloves on display] These boxing gloves worn by Joe Louis in his first fight. [Stops and points at abstract painting] This is art. Get it?

[John shrugs]

Rex:
[Pointing at glasses on display] These were John Lennon's glasses. They're worth like a million dollars. [pointing at a photo frame] That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, check this out. [They stop in front of a display] This is Lance Armstrong's nut. I had it freeze-dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when life's getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here... and look at that. It reminds me that... things aren't so bad.

John:
Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Rex:
[Looks at John] Sometimes you don't.

[They both walk to the bar]

Rex:
So, talk to me, Jonny Quest, how are things with you and Lori?

John:
You know, things are great, actually.

Rex:
Oh that's great. That is great.

John:
You know, uh, Lori would hate me for saying this, but, she told me how you are at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you f***ing get Lou Gehrig's disease.

Rex:
[Giggles] Well, uh, let me, uh, let me get to clear the air a little. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun time boss and whatnot. But look, man, I do that with everyone at the office. I'm a kook. I have no desires on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it. You know, I think you're a great guy, and she's a very lucky girl.

John:
Well that's good to hear.

Rex:
Yeah.

[John gets a phone call from Ted]

John:
Excuse me. [Walks out of the bar as he answers his phone] Hey, Ted.

Ted:
Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here, man!

John:
Why? What's going on?

Ted:
Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here.

John:
What?

Ted:
Sam Jones, Flash F***ing Gordon is here.

John:
Holy sh*t! What?

Ted:
You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin. And who do you think is with him? Sam Jones. Sam Jones is here. And John, his hair is parted down the middle.

John:
Just like in the movie.

Ted:
Yes. Get over here, right now.

John:
[Whispers] F***, I can't! I'm with Lori here. I'm already on probation. I just... I can't.

Ted:
John, Flash Gordon was the most important figure of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil. And that the word 'acting' apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.

John:
[Breathing heavily] I'm coming.

[John runs back to the bar]

John:
Rex, I gotta go. Look, I'll be back in like 30 minutes, tops, okay? But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other sh*t.

Rex:
I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.

John:
Alright, this is one man to another. I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you as a man. This is serious.

Rex:
Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.

John:
Thank you. I'll be back.

[John runs out to Lori's car]

Rex:
I'm gonna have sex with your girlfriend.

[John rushes to Ted's apartment]

Ted:
Johnny, thank Christ you made it.

John:
Dude, I got 10 minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?

Ted:
Okay, get ready. Hey Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about.

['Flash's Theme' plays as John sees Sam Jones turn around and walk toward him. He then imagines a scene from 'Flash Gordon' where they both ride a rocket cycle in the skies of Mongo]

Sam J. Jones:
How you doing? [Offers bro fist] Good to meet you.

John:
[Does bro fist with Sam] I thank you for saving every one of us.

Sam J. Jones:
You're welcome.

Ted:
He acknowledged it!

Sam J. Jones:
Let's do some shots.

John:
With you?

Ted:
Oh my God.

John:
Yes! Oh my God, yes!

Ted:
Totally, yes!

Sam J. Jones:
Let's go!

[Sam pours tequila shots and hands them to John and Ted]

John:
Thanks, Flash.

Sam J. Jones:
There you go, my friend.

Ted:
Thank you.

Sam J. Jones:
[Offering a toast] Death to Ming!

John:
Haha!

Ted:
Yes!

[the trio down their shots]

Sam J. Jones:
Oh, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party? [Rubs nose]

[Blank stare at John and Ted's faces before they look at each other]

Ted:
Uh, cocaine, right?

Sam J. Jones:
Come on, dudes! Don't tell me you've never done it before.

John:
Well, uh, well not recently, no.

Ted:
I thought that was just for people in Florida.

Sam J. Jones:
You better follow me. Come on.

[Sam walks away]

Ted:
Johnny, I'm frightened.

Ted:
Hey Lori, can you turn the alarm to 11 AM? I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.

Donny:
Are you out here all alone?

Ted:
Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone.

[Donny is pursuing Ted up the tower of Fenway Park, trying to grab him]

Donny:
You're mine now, Ted.

Ted:
Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.

Donny:
I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing.

Ted:
I think we're very far apart on this.

John:
Plus! A hooker took a sh*t in our apartment! [Flashback to earlier]

Lori:
OH GOD!

John:
WHAT?

Lori:
This is so gross!

John:
Did you get it yet?

Lori:
NO! I didn't get it yet!

John:
Tell me when you get it!

Lori:
OH MY GOD! I got some of it on my thumb!

John:
NO! You will never be able to cook with that thumb again!

Lori:
OH MY GOD! This is the most disgusting thing ever!

John:
NO! Get it away from me!

Ted:
You can sing any 90's song with just vowels.

Ted:
[Finishing ringing up a customer at his check-out line] There we go. Thank you very much. Please come again. We have a lot more groceries.

[Ted turns around and sits down. He notices Tami-Lynn on the other end of the check-out counter]

Ted:
Hey, uh, hey Ellen.

Ellen:
Yeah?

Ted:
Who's that over there?

Ellen:
[Turns around to see Tami-Lynn before turning back to Ted] Oh, that's the new check-out girl. Don't know her name, seems cute.

Ted:
Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call a Dirty Fozzie.

[Ted gets up on his counter and waves at Tami-Lynn, who smiles and waves back at him. They blow kisses at each other. He dry-humps the credit card machine, making her giggle. He then simulates oral sex with a Snickers bar, making her laugh further. Ted then squirts bottles of lotion on his face to simulate bukkake, causing her to stare blankly at him]

Ted:
Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line.

Lori:
Welcome back Ted!

John:
It was you!

Ted:
Son of a b*tch! You wished for my life back!

Lori:
No! I wished for my life back.

Ted:
You know, you're acting like a cock, you know that?

John:
What, I'm acting like a cock?

Ted:
Yes, you are, so shut your meat hole for a second, and listen to me.

John:
Huh?

Ted:
Meat hole, huh, wait, that's not right, is it? No, pudding hole is that what they say? No, it can't be right either, because [impersonating Roger Waters] you can't have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat! [chuckles] Pink Floyd.

Ted:
[while being carried inside a bag] Oh, I hear the fat kid running! I bet it's hilarious!

Donny:
You know Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television. And I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magically little teddy bear, too. And he said, "No."

Ted:
Can you just email me the rest of this story?

Donny:
And I was so heartbroken. And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him. Ever.

Ted:
Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.

Ted:
[upon seeing all the pictures of himself at Donny and Robert's house] Yeah, it's kind of funny actually. I've got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.

Ted:
[blocking Donny's view] Let's see how well you know these streets.

Lori:
Okay here's a test to see how much you actually care about me. You remember that night after the club, we went and had late night eggs and waffles until about 5am. We watched a movie on a little TV at the diner. Name that movie?

John:
Octopussy!

Lori:
BABY! Goldstar!

Ted:
Let's just find a better place to get stoned.

Ted:
Oh look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get serious about openin' a restaurant we gotta start plannin' it now.

John:
Italian.

Ted:
Italian, yes.

John:
What's the special on Tuesdays?

Ted:
Eggplant parm.

John:
Chopped salad half price.

Ted:
And it's a non-restricted place.

John:
Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?

Ted:
Anybody can come.

John:
Of course.

Ted:
Jews are welcome.

John:
Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?

Ted:
Exactly, that's what I'm saying.

John:
Yeah, but why even bring that up?

Ted:
You don't bring it up. You just let 'em in.

John:
So why mention it?

Ted:
No one will.

John:
So why are we talking about it?

Ted:
You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in.

John:
Yeah, let 'em in.

Ted:
Exactly.

John:
Right.

Ted:
Good.

John:
Okay.

Ted:
No Mexicans, though.

Lori:
So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you... tell us a little bit about yourself, like where you're from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.

Tami-Lynn:
What do you mean, 'girlfriends'? [Looking at Ted] What's it like a lot of 'em or somethin'?

Ted:
N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that.

Lori:
No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up.

Tami-Lynn:
Did you just call me a whore?

Lori:
What?

Tami-Lynn:
You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?

Ted, John:
Whoa!

John:
What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal.

Ted:
Yeah, this was a nice evening.

Tami-Lynn:
Don't talk sh*t to me.

Lori:
I just asked you a question.

Tami-Lynn:
You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some f***in' fancy sh*t place? Whatever.

Ted:
Take it easy. [Looks at Lori] Nice, Lori. Real nice.

Lori:
Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.

Tami-Lynn:
[Gets up] Oh f*** you! Just 'cause you're on the business world and sh*t, you think what, everybody should suck your a**hole or somethin'?

Ted:
[Grabs Tami-Lynn's hand to calm her down] Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on.

Tami-Lynn:
You know what? I gave birth once, b*tch! I can kick your f***in' ass! And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever!

Ted:
Okay, okay, come on. Come on.

[Ted and Tami-Lynn walk out of the restaurant]

Ted:
I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?

Robert:
Stand up straight when you're talking to me.

John:
Why the f*** would he say that?

Donny:
Sorry, you really shouldn't swear in front of children.

Ted Danson:
Woody Harrelson. Smallest dick I've ever seen on a man.

Ted:
Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.

John:
That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.

Ted:
No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.

John:
They're not that bad.

Ted:
See, the fact that you have to say "they're not that bad" means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?

[in exaggerated Bostonian]

Ted:
"Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Hahder! Hahder! Oh, god, that was so good. Now I'm going to stuff my f***ing face with Pepperidge Farm."

Ted:
Listen. You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori.

John:
There's no putting things right. She f***ing hates me.

Ted:
No, John. We can... We can get her back. Look, you remember when you were 10, and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun? And then when we saw it fall from the tree, we both started crying, you remember? And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life. John, we could do that again.

John:
Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR. It died.

Ted:
Down here. Not looking up your towel. Swear to God. Not looking up your towel. Not looking at your funny business.

Lori:
Ted, what are you doing here?

Robert:
Me and Ted are going to be best friends, Daddy.

Donny:
Yes, you are, my little chipmunk. Happy playtime.

Ted:
Jesus f***ing Christ!

Robert:
I said a bad word one time. Daddy punished me for it.

Ted:
That's a great story. I felt like I was there.

Robert:
Daddy gave me an ouch. Now, I have to give you an ouch. [ tears Ted's ear off ]

Ted:
All right, kid, you win. We'll do it your way. What do you want to do? You want to play a game? It's playtime, right? We'll play a game.

Robert:
Yeah, I want to play a game.

Ted:
Good, good. Uh, all right. Let's see. How about... How about we play a little game of hide and seek?

Robert:
I love hide and seek. I'll hide.

Ted:
Wait now, hang on a sec, there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-F***?

Robert:
Okay, you hide first.

Ted:
Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred, and then you try to find me, okay?

Robert:
Okay. Uh, do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?

Ted:
No. That's a weird f***ing question. No, just start counting.

John:
Ted!

Ted:
I'm alive, Johnny!

John:
Oh, my God!

Ted:
I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!

John:
You're back!

Ted:
Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little f***ed up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [starts laughing] I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was f***ing retarded.

John:
You a**hole!

Ted:
Come here, you bastard. Ha-ha! Ah!

Lori:
Welcome back, Ted.

John:
It was you. You did it.

Ted:
Son of a b*tch! You wished for my life back.

Lori:
No, no, no. I wished for my life back.

John:
I could have wound up like that Asian guy at Virginia Tech but I didn't because of him. So I'm not that psyched to just, like, kick him out.

Lori:
It's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.

John:
[from deleted scene] I could've ended up like that Asian kid at Virginia Tech, but I didn't because of Ted.

Lori:
Well it's good to know that a talking teddy bear is the only thing that prevented you from gunning down your classmates.

Ted:
No, see trust me I can do this.

Guy #1:
Shut up.

Guy #2:
Let him try it, man.

Guy #1:
All right. Okay. [Puts his hand on the table with fingers spread out. Ted picks up a knife and starts stabbing the table between Guy #1's fingers as the crowd cheers. Ted stabs faster until he accidentally stabs Guy #1's hand. Crowd gasps as Guy #1 grabs his hand and crashes into the TV stand]

Ted:
What?

Guy #1:
[Holding his hand where blood is oozing out of the wound] Son of a b*tch!

Ted:
Well you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.

Ted:
You know, you are acting like a cock.

John and Ted:
When you hear the sound of thunder, don't you get too scared, just grab your thunder buddy, and say these magic words: "F*** you, thunder! You can suck my dick! You can't get me thunder 'cause you're just God's farts!"

Ted:
If you can punch through this wall, you really are Flash Gordon.

John:
Are you gonna do it?

Sam:
I'm gonna punch through!

Ted:
Come on Sam! Do it!!

Rex:
Lori, I need to see you in my office.

Lori:
The thing is Rex, I have alot of work I need to get through.

Rex:
Oh this is work I swear.

Lori:
Ugh great.

Rex:
Good luck then.

Ted:
There you are, John. There's some guy in your office is making out with that Van Wielder looking guy.

John:
You know what, f*** you. I don't even wanna talk to you!

Ted:
What?

John:
Do you what just happened? Do you have any clue? My f***ing life just ended!

Ted:
Oh come on. She'll go home watching Bridget Jones something a**hole. You'll talk to her tomorrow. Come on upstairs.

John:
Are you even listening to me?! DID YOU GIVE ANY SHRED OF A SH*T?!?

Ted:
...Course I do, John. Thunder Buddies for life, remember?

Ted:
I saw Lori leaving the apartment with Rex.

John:
What?

Ted:
I'm serious, John. I went over to talk to her and maybe take some of the heat off you, and there he was, picking her up. They were going to the Hatch Shell.

John:
You're f***ing unbelievable, you know that? I mean, how stupid do you think I am? If you think, by making sh*t like that up, you're gonna make me choose some kind of loyalty to you over her, you're out of your f***ing mind...

Ted:
Johnny, it's the truth, I'm telling you.

John:
You know what? Get outta here...

Ted:
You're acting like a cock, you know that?

John:
What now?! I'm acting like a cock?!

Ted:
Yes, you are. So shut your meat hole for a second and listen to me.

John:
Huh?

Ted:
Meat hole. No, that's not right, is it? No. Pudding hole? Is that what they say? No, that can't be that either right? Because, "'cause how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?!" Heh, Pink Floyd. Look, the point is you're blaming me for something that you did to yourself. Lori was right about you. You cannot take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.

John:
Oh, and you can?

Ted:
I don't have to! I'm a f***ing teddy bear! You know something? I didn't tie you up and drag you to that party. Alright? I wanted you to come because you're supposedly my best friend!

John:
You can't stand there and say you haven't always seen Lori as a threat to our friendship! I mean, it works out so much better for you when you and I are getting f***ed up on the couch at 9 AM, doesn't it?!

Ted:
Listen to yourself! What am I, Emperor Ming here controlling your mind? That's your choice, John! And you know, by blaming me, you're just making yourself look like a p*ssy.

John:
[Angered] You know, sometimes I think back to that Christmas morning when I was 8 years old, I wish I just got a Teddy Ruxpin.

Ted:
Say that one more time.

John:
TEDDY-RUX-F***ING-PIN!

Ted:
[after coming back alive, appearing and sounding retarded] I'm alive, Johnny!

John:
Oh, my god!

Ted:
I'm alive! Your magical wish worked!

John:
You're back! How did-

Ted:
Yeah, I mean, when you filled me up, you put some of the stuffing in some of the wrong places, so I'm a little f***ed up. But will you take care of me forever and ever? [turns out to be normal] Ha-ha! I'm just kidding ya! I just thought it'd be funny if you actually thought I was f***in' retarded.

John:
[laughing] You a**hole!

Ted:
Come 'ere, you bastard!

Robert:
[last lines] NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE MY TEDDY BEAR!

[John punches Robert in the face and knocks on the fool.]

Lori:
Holy sh*t?

John:
Sorry, Somebody had to go Joan Crawford on that kid, come on.

Ted:
Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!

Asian Man:
What the hell you problem?! You breaka my wall, I breaka your wall!