The Final Girls

Max Cartwright:
[the kids prepare to watch Camp Bloodbath, which Max's mother starred in]

Max Cartwright:
Today's the anniversary of her death. At least I get to see her. Even if she is being chased by a psycho with a machete.

Trailer Voice-Over:
They won't be singing Kumbaya... they'll be screaming Kumba-no!

Mimi:
Anyone wanna help me pick some strawberries?

Kurt:
Nope, but I'll give you a hand with those melons! Talkin' about her b*obs. You guys get me, right?

Vicki Summers:
I can't believe we're just gonna casually watch someone get murdered. What is this, Detroit?

Kurt:
[to Paula] OH GOD, YOU KILLED DUNCAN! You smell great, by the way.

Max Cartwright:
Gertie, you're a virgin.

Gertie Michaels:
No. Well, not anymore. Last summer with that guy, Jerry. He had like the weird mustache and he, like, winked. Remember?

Vicki Summers:
Isn't he autistic?

Gertie Michaels:
Yeah. Yeah. He is. But he was also very romantic.

[the kids strap Tina into a lifejacket and tape oven mitts to her hands]

Tina:
Why do I have to wear all this stuff again?

Chris Briggs:
Because you're scripted to do a striptease at the slumber party, and when you take your top off, Billy comes running.

Tina:
But why does he hate my b*obs? Cuz they're not big?

Tina:
Oooh, I love legends! Loch Ness, Bigfoot, Bon Jovi... all of 'em!

Duncan:
If this is a dream, then there's a very strong chance that my dad's gonna come up to us naked and offer us some pecan pie. But don't take any. It is not pecan pie!

Gertie Michaels:
Maybe we're dead and this is Heaven.

Vicki Summers:
This can't be Heaven. Max is here and she's Jewish.

Gertie Michaels:
Oh, right. Well, maybe it's Jewish Heaven.

Kurt:
Hey, where's you guys's suitcases? Because honestly, you're clothes, they're disgusting!

Vicki Summers:
Says the guy in the crop top.

Duncan:
What did you pack, Tina?

Tina:
The basics. Bikini, mouthwash, diaphragm.

Kurt:
Oh, what's up, funbags?

Vicki Summers:
Funbags? Right. Yay, feminism.

[the kids find themselves living inside of the old slasher movie that they were watching]

Duncan:
Okay. So, we're in the movie.

Max Cartwright:
Uh-huh. How do we get out of here?

Gertie Michaels:
Yeah, I like that question. That is a really, really good question. Duncan, can you answer that question, please?

Duncan:
What are you talking about? It's 1986! Our homes don't exist yet, they're probably just landfills waiting to be turned into crappy subdivisions. WE don't exist yet. I know for a fact my parents haven't met because I was an unplanned child.

Vicki Summers:
I am glad that you die!

Kurt:
What?

Duncan:
Nothing! What she meant to say was that we all die eventually. Technically, we start dying the moment we're born.

Max Cartwright:
You shouldn't have sex.

Nancy:
Why?

Max Cartwright:
Because I heard that sex can kill you.

Max Cartwright:
We will pick this up again. Is that understood? In the meantime, just stay away from Kurt... and keep your shorts on!

Duncan:
I wonder if all this blood is just corn syrup, you know? Like these characters are walking around with just corn syrup in their veins. You know? Let's give it a shot here.

[Duncan rubs blood from Mimi's corpse and licks his finger]

Duncan:
Oh, God. No, that is, um... That is not corn syrup. That is... Oh God, that's blood.

Nancy:
Paula, you're just in time to start setting up for the slumber party!

Kurt:
Yeah, we took a vote and you get to share my sleeping bag.

Paula:
Thanks, Kurt, but I'm saving myself for someone who doesn't have a needle dick.

Kurt:
Yeah, right. It's like a hammer... dick, if anything. It's a sledgehammer.

Kurt:
What are you, a fag?

Chris Briggs:
My dads are gay, so shut the hell up.

Kurt:
Yeah, right! Gay guys can't have kids! They're too busy going to discos and having sex with each other. It's actually a pretty cool lifestyle.

Kurt:
By the way, what's with you and Max? Are you guys having sex? Because if not, I wouldn't mind bench pressing her with my dumbbell.

Chris Briggs:
Listen, brah, you're not bench pressing anyone with your dumbbell! If I so much as hear your dumbbell took a Pilates class...

Kurt:
What?

Chris Briggs:
I'm gonna cut it off.

Vicki Summers:
Where do they keep the chainsaws here?

Paula:
What?

Vicki Summers:
We might wanna find out, right? Where they keep them? Because you never know when you might need a chainsaw.

Paula:
Why do we need a chainsaw for a slumber party?

Nancy:
I can't believe they're all dead!

Vicki Summers:
They were never alive! They weren't real. Neither are you because this is just a movie!

Blake:
So wait, is new wave real?

Gertie Michaels:
Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Blake:
But I'M not real?

Gertie Michaels:
You're only real in the movie. So yeah, you're real here.

Blake:
Oh, cool.

Nancy:
I didn't sleep with Kurt so now I guess I'll be able to save myself for George Michael after all.

Vicki Summers:
I wouldn't hold your breath, honey.

Nancy:
Why?

Vicki Summers:
Nancy, you can't be the final girl. It's not in your DNA, or whatever. You're the shy girl with the clipboard and the guitar. You get laid and then you die. You're just part of the body count. No offense.

Nancy:
I should have known something was up with this place. I mean think about it. What the hell kind of summer camp has waterbeds?

Vicki Summers:
Gertie, I'm sorry for that time in junior high when I told everyone to start calling you Ba-Chunk-a-Dunk, and then I covered your locker in bacon. That was so crappy and I'm so sorry! I'm such a bad person.

Gertie Michaels:
You're not, it's okay. If it makes you feel better, last summer I'm the one who spread the rumor that said you had a weird disease where you were always on your period.

Vicki Summers:
Wow, that's evil!

Gertie Michaels:
Thank you.

Nancy:
Am I really gonna die?

Max Cartwright:
Yeah.

Nancy:
So, I guess I never grow up or fall in love or have kids. I had this dream that when I graduated college, I would meet a guy and we'd have a baby. A girl. And if she ever needed me, I would do anything for her - anything. I would've made a really great mom.

Max Cartwright:
The best.

Vicki Summers:
I'm the main girl in the '80s horror movie and we're past the midpoint so, you know, I'd say that I've overstayed my welcome.

[Tina fidgets with Vicki's iPhone]

Tina:
What is this thing, anyway?

Vicki Summers:
It's a phone.

Tina:
Yeah, please! I'm not that gullible.

[talking into the phone]

Tina:
Um hello, operator? Yes, I'm trying to make a call but I can't cuz my phone's not plugged into anything!

Nancy:
You were right about one thing, you know?

Max Cartwright:
What?

Nancy:
I'm a movie star!

Max Cartwright:
You just f***ed with the wrong virgin!

Duncan:
The sequel is so much cooler than the original!

Duncan:
Ever since I was a little boy, I've dreamed of being the final girl.

Amanda Cartwright:
Honestly, if you ever become an actor, don't ever do a slasher flick.

Max Cartwright:
You wouldn't catch me dead in a movie.

Duncan:
The Bath-maticians were so excited when I told them that Amanda Cartwright's daughter was my sister's best friend.

Gertie Michaels:
Step-sister.

Duncan:
Why would you say that? That's so hurtful.

Chris Briggs:
What are Bath-maticians?

Duncan:
Camp Bloodbath fans. It's kind of our awesome nickname.

Gertie Michaels:
Did you know that a nickname immediately becomes uncool when you give it to yourself?

Duncan:
Camp Bloodbath is like the granddaddy of all campsite slasher films, okay. Amazing production design, insane music, over-the-top acting. It's a cult classic!

Vicki Summers:
Tyson wanted to come here tonight and I was like, "Oh my God, no," but here we are. So, you win, Tyson!

Chris Briggs:
So, you didn't see my post about it, or anything?

Vicki Summers:
No, I don't go on your stupid Twitter. Which, by the way, has lost three more followers today.

Vicki Summers:
I have a really good memory. It's not just the Adderall.

Gertie Michaels:
She's probably gonna pee on him just to mark her territory.

Nancy:
What does that tattoo mean?

Kurt:
It was given to me in juvie. I was caught stealing cherries. I'm a... I'm a cherry thief.

Kurt:
Nice legs. What time they open?

Vicki Summers:
I wanna know where they keep the hardware in this dump. I want chainsaws and big-ass knives and I want them now!

Gertie Michaels:
You know that Chris broke up with Vicki last week, right? And she is a mess! Have you seen the veiled suicide note/poem she posted on her Facebook page? It's so hilarious! I read it out loud to myself. A lot!

Gertie Michaels:
Hey, just keep on keepin' on.

Max Cartwright:
What does that even mean?

Gertie Michaels:
It's something my therapist tells me all the time.

Max Cartwright:
You have a therapist?

Gertie Michaels:
Mmm-hmm.

Max Cartwright:
Does it help you deal?

Gertie Michaels:
No, not really. She's a physical therapist, so...