The Hebrew Hammer

Voice on Intercom:
Attention, all K-Mart shoppers, there are Jews in Aisle 12.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Shabbat shalom, motherf***ers!

Mrs. Carver:
So, what are your plans for after the wedding?

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Kill you.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
[praying with tefillin] Baruch atah adonoi... I don't know what the hell I'm saying.

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
What you doing?

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
I'm prayin' to God we don't kill ourselves gettin' over this wall.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Let's dance the hora.

Damian Claus:
You're a hora!

JJL Chief Bloomenbergensteinenthal:
G-dash-d dammit, Hammer!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
[talking on the phone] I need you to get in contact with the Worldwide Jewish Media Conspiracy and mass-produce every holiday movie that has a Jewish protagonist who is depicted in a positive light.

JJL Chief Bloomenbergensteinenthal:
So you want me to mass produce "Yentl," "Fiddler on the Roof," and Chaim Potok's "The Chosen"?

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Right.

Mrs. Carver:
What with all the attention the newspapers and television has been giving you, you'd think you were the Pope or something.

Damian Claus:
[trying to distract Mordechai] OH, LOOK! A bowl of matzoh-ball soup!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
[looks away] Yum.

[Damian runs]

Damian Claus:
You numb-nutted, gimpy little b*tch!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Hey, you don't wanna pick up this penny?

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
Nooooooooo!

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
The Hebrew Hammer, Jew boy, my main-man Kike.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim, my main nigga.

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
Wassup, dog?

[Mordechai and Mohammed high-five]

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Wassup?

White Accountant:
[incredulously] Y-you just called him a Kike. And you, you just called him a N*gger!

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
Well, it's okay when *we* calls each other that.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Yeah, that's how it goes.

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
Yeah.

White Accountant:
[utterly dumbfounded] Oh.

Damian Claus:
[shouts] Watch it with the f***ing cane!

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
Who brings in the dope?

Members of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front:
The white man!

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
Who brings in the guns?

Members of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front:
The white man!

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
Who brought in that disco?

Members of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front:
The white man!

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
Who brings in that naaaasty-aaaass Jheri curl?

Members of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front:
The white man!

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
And who tries to put they motherf***in' foot up Kwanzaa's ass?

Members of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front:
The white man!

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
That's right!

Mohammed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim:
[Much later] And who brought in Britney Spears?

Members of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front:
The white man!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Now, the key of undercover work... is to blend in, OK? You act as a gentile would.

Esther:
Right.

Samples Woman:
Could I interest you in a free-sample bacon cheeseburger?

Esther:
[Esther gasps]

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
[affects a middle-America accent] Um, well, I thank you, gentile friend, for your generous offer of that... *deliciously* unkosher snack. I... sadly have to decline... for I already stuffed myself full of milk and meat products at a previous lunch engagement.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
[smiles a toothy grin]

Esther:
You're good.

[Tim's cane is taken away and he falls to the ground]

Tiny Tim:
My cane! [On the verge of crying] Give me back my cane! F***.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Wait, wait hold on a sec. I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice. I'm now going to resort to the most dangerous, deadly weapon in the Jewish arsenal.

[briefly meditates, then continues in a nasal voice]

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
What, I shlep all the way up here for this? I come all the way to the North Pole to fight you; you don't put out anything to nosh on?

Damian Claus:
You're hungry?

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
I mean, seriously, what kind of arch-nemesis are you?

Damian Claus:
Sorry, I wasn't thinking I guess. Oh! Oh, no, you don't! You're not going to pull Jewish-guilt crap on me, I'm a lot stronger than that, Mordechai.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Okay, forget it. Never mind.

Damian Claus:
What?

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
No, nothing.

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Tell me, what?

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Well, I mean, I don't know what kind of host it is that treats their company this way. Esther is clearly unhappy with the guest room you've provided her with. I'm shvitzing from running around all over the place shooting people.

Damian Claus:
Stop this!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
What kind of flooring is this, anyway? My feet are killing me! Not to mention, I don't get a proper hello when I come in.

[he continues and horns blow]

Damian Claus:
Please stop. Just take my gun!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
No.

Damian Claus:
Take the gun!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Forget about it.

Damian Claus:
I insist on you taking the gun!

Mordechai Jefferson Carver:
Okay.

Damian Claus:
[points to his temple] Put a bullet right here! Take me out of my misery, please!

Mrs. Highsmith:
I hope you've all learned a very important lesson today. Just because Mordechai's people are different from us, and just because they may appear strange to us with their furry hats, beady eyes, and long sideburns, not to mention their bizarre customs and unnecessarily guttural funny-sounding names; just because they control ALL of the world's money, yet they are too cheap to buy their children anything better than spinning tops for presents, does not mean that we can't learn to love and respect them as our equals. Happy Chanuyakah day seven, Mordy!