The Last Shot

Joe Devine:
Have you actually seen a person die, watched them bleed to death, seen them take their last breath? I've seen that... many times.

Steven Schats:
Why have you seen that?

Joe Devine:
I used to produce music videos.

Joe Devine:
At this time, I would like to introduce Fanny Nash, the producer of the hit comedy "No Means No" to discuss proper Hollywood protocol.

Fanny Nash:
I am over 35 years old. I am physically unable to bear children. And I pay alimony to my ex-husband, who is a f*ggot. Yet I am willing to bet that all of you would f*** me over that desk right now if you knew you'd be having lunch with Harrison Ford as soon as you blew your wad. If you wanna carry yourself like you're in the movie business, you need to act like the big dog, Clifford, and remember that everyone in the entire world is desperate to play with your big red balls.

[on the telephone]

Fanny Nash:
You do not wanna eat lunch off my ass.

[pause]

Fanny Nash:
You wanna eat lunch off my ass? I thought you were kosher.

Joe Devine:
What are you gonna do to me?

Ed Rossi, Jr.:
Movie starts in three minutes. If you don't tell us where the money is, we're gonna cut your fingers off during the opening credits.

Wally Kamin:
Titles. Credits come at the end of the movies. Titles come first.

Ed Rossi, Jr.:
Fine. Titles. We're gonna cut 'em off during the f***in' titles.

Joe Devine:
Delores, I have these presents I wanna give to Sasha. Where is she?

Delores:
I'm sorry, sir. Your dog is dead. She killed herself.

Joe Devine:
What?

Delores:
The Jacuzzi. She threw herself into the Jacuzzi. I tried to find you. It was horrible.

Joe Devine:
Oh, no. Maybe she fell in.

Delores:
Oh, there was a witness. Alejandro, the gardener's son. It was suicide.

Joe Devine:
Suicide?

Delores:
She was lonely. She couldn't stand it any more.

Joe Devine:
Then why the f*** didn't you go outside and play with her? Throw the little red ball with her?

Delores:
I'm sorry, Mr Devine. I know you loved that dog. On Tuesday, she dug up all the flowers and then took a dump in the kitchen. I believe that was her note.

Funeral Director:
Joe, from the beautiful words you've written, it's clear to me that Sasha wasn't just a great dog. She was a great friend.

[starts eulogy]

Funeral Director:
"Sasha was loyal, she was compassionate, and she loved to shake."

Jack Devine:
Sorry to hear about Sasha. I know you were close to that b*tch.

Tommy Sanz:
It's my face, Willie. The guys back home can't stand to look at me. I thought after the second surgery things would change.

Willie Gratzo:
Did you talk to that plastic surgeon?

Tommy Sanz:
He said he wanted to take skin from my ass cheeks and put it on my face. I beat that cocksucker with his own chair.

Joe Devine:
Can you help me find a script?

Fanny Nash:
This is Hollywood. Just go outside and ask anyone you see to give you a script. A gardener, a cripple, a child molester. They've all got 'em.

[pitching a movie idea]

Hollywood Boulevard Type:
Here's the kicker. It's an election day. And he can't vote because he's got no head.

Lonnie Bosco:
Where's the meeting?

Steven Schats:
Musso & Frank's.

Lonnie Bosco:
You're in luck! I got a blow job at Musso & Frank's.

Joe Devine:
Steven, my name isn't Diamond. It's Wells.

Steven Schats:
Wells? I thought it was Diamond.

Joe Devine:
No. Joe Wells. That's my name.

Steven Schats:
But you said it was Diamond.

Joe Devine:
No, it's Wells. It's always been Wells. It's a common mistake.

Steven Schats:
Your wife did the hair on Jaws? That's one of my favorite movies.

Joe Devine:
Mine, too.

Steven Schats:
Did it bother her that Quint always wore a hat?

Joe Devine:
Well, they had some words, yeah.

Steven Schats:
That is so ironic. She worked on Jaws, and then she drowns in a Jacuzzi.

Joe Devine:
I never really thought of it that way before.

Tommy Sanz:
Look at this. They say American football don't compare to rugby. Last night, a player was kicked out for shoving his index finger up another guy's ass at the bottom of the pile.

Valerie Weston:
I'm gonna go home, Steven. That's right. I'm serious. Because of you, I'm gonna get gangbanged, Steven. Gangbanged in Woodland Hills.

Steven Schats:
A lot of great actresses started out in porn.

Agent McCaffrey:
Abe, why don't we start with our general comments?

Abe White:
[reading] "While we love the emotional journey that Charlotte takes in this script, we feel there are things that could make this story more accessible to a general audience. Number one; a high-speed motorcycle chase."

Emily French:
After my nomination, I just... freaked out. Turned everything down that they sent. Then I had a late-term abortion, went into deep depression, got really into coke, moved to Florida for a year and made a bunch of B-movies for my Eurotrash boyfriend, who wrote and directed and made sure I got my tits out in every other scene. The truth is, I was blackballed in Hollywood, because the great Jed Walker claimed that the baby was his, that I had murdered his baby in the fifth month, which, if you had seen it, it clearly was not.

Joe Devine:
Hello, Steven. My wife didn't drown in a Jacuzzi. Sasha was my dog's name, and she killed herself because I was never home. My real name is Joe Devine.

Steven Schats:
Yeah, I know who you are. I saw the movie. And, by the way, I thought Tom Berenger captured you beautifully.

Joe Devine:
I want merchandising.

Abe White:
What's merchandising?

Joe Devine:
Toys.

Agent McCaffrey:
Go f*** yourself.