The Librarian: Quest for the Spear

Nicole Noone:
You only live once.

Flynn Carsen:
Unless you believe in Buddhism or Sikhism...

Nicole Noone:
I hate you so much.

Flynn Carsen:
I just want to get to know the Nicole beneath the surface arrogance. Peel back the layers.

Nicole Noone:
What do you think is below the surface arrogance?

Flynn Carsen:
More arrogance. And then perhaps a few delicious layers of flaky disdain. All around a creamy sweet center of homicidal rage.

Flynn Carsen:
She may have been in cahoots with Wilde all along! Cahoots... I've been *cahooted*!

Flynn Carsen:
[about to go on his epic quest to save the world] The fate of the world is in my hands? That's so... sad.

Flynn Carsen:
Where are the Marines?

Judson:
[pulls back shirt to reveal Marine tattoo over heart] Semper Fi.

Lana:
[while pointing a gun at Flynn] It doesn't have to be like this. We're going to rule the world. We can be together.

Nicole Noone:
[kicking the gun out of her hand] Get your own geek.

Nicole Noone:
Hey, let's stop for a moment, and consider. I'm way out of your league. Way out. If your league were to explode, I wouldn't hear the sound for another three days. So for everybody's sake, let's just enjoy a companionable silence.

Flynn Carsen:
Professor Harris. I should've known he was evil. He gave me an A-minus.

Flynn Carsen:
What's the matter? Haven't you guys ever seen a naked guy in a sheet before?

[after being told that he has to fly a helicopter with no prior experience]

Flynn Carsen:
The main principles are lift and thrust... [fiddles with controls] Easy as pie.

[helicopter starts malfunctioning and flying erratically]

Flynn Carsen:
Horrible! Horrible! High-velocity pie of death!

Nicole Noone:
[slapping him] Don't you ever leave my sight again, do you understand?

Flynn Carsen:
What is this, Slap the Librarian Day?

Judson:
[after beating up about half the bad guys almost singlehandedly] Anyone else want a piece of me?

Flynn Carsen:
I can't do this alone.

Judson:
You've got me, you know.

Flynn Carsen:
Well, no offense, Judson, but you're...

[Judson grabs a passing guard and slams him against the wall, knocking him out. Flynn looks on, amazed]

Flynn Carsen:
- a bad mother!

Nicole Noone:
Maybe you made a mistake.

Flynn Carsen:
I don't get facts wrong! It's everything else I screw up.

Charlene:
What makes you think you could be the Librarian?

Flynn Carsen:
Well, I've read a lot of books. [laughs]

Charlene:
Don't try to be funny. I don't do funny.

Flynn Carsen:
I'm sorry.

Charlene:
[after a pause] What makes you think you could be the Librarian?

Flynn Carsen:
I know the Dewey Decimal System, Library of Congress, research paper orthodoxy, web searching. I can set up an RSS feed...

Charlene:
Everybody knows that. They're librarians. What makes you think you are the Librarian?

Flynn Carsen:
[confused] I know other stuff?

Charlene:
Mr... Flynn Carsen, stop wasting my time. Tell me something you know that nobody else who has walked in here could tell me.

Flynn Carsen:
[examining her] You have mononucleosis. Your marriage broke up two months ago. You broke your nose when you were four, and you live with three cats. Is that what you had in mind? Swollen parajugular lymph nodes and distended eyelids are clearly mono. It takes three months for an indentation on the ring finger to completely disappear. Yours is two-thirds gone. Your plastic surgeon gave you a terminus paralateral scar, which is given to children under the age of six, and I can clearly see three distinct types of cat hair. A white Himalayan, a tortoiseshell, and an orange striped tabby.

Charlene:
[slightly embarassed] I didn't break my nose until I was five.

Flynn Carsen:
Well then, we better call the police.

Charlene:
Oh yeah, call the police. Tell them about the Spear of Destiny, the golden goose, the lost Ark. Enjoy your stay in the psych ward. I understand Thorazine comes in vanilla now.

Edward Wilde:
I want that spear.

Nicole Noone:
A man in hell wants ice water. That doesn't mean he's going to get it.

Flynn Carsen:
Oh, this can't be right.

Edward Wilde:
What?

Flynn Carsen:
Well, according to this, it can only be opened in the name of God.

Edward Wilde:
So?

Flynn Carsen:
So the name of God is only the biggest secret in the *world*!

[Flynn and Nicole jump out of the airplane]

Lana:
He brilliantly lowers our expectations, then jumps without a chute! Remarkable!