The Nines

Voice on Baby Monitor:
The cat says "Meow!" The pig says "Oink!" The cow says "Moo!" The cow says "Moo!" The cow says "Moo!" The dog says "Nine... nine... nine... nine... nine..."

Margaret:
Good night, buttface!

Gary:
Good night, you filthy whore!

Gary:
Hey, is this crack? Do you know how to do it?

Gary:
Um, I'm kind of having a medical situation. I don't have a belly button.

[first lines]

Gary:
Hey, do you sell crack?

[drug dealer looks confused]

Gary:
No, it's cool. I only play a cop on TV.

Margaret:
Yes, he totaled a car, but it was an environmentally friendly car. Why doesn't that get reported?

Margaret:
I'm a fan of yours, you know. Your number one fan. But if you f*** this up, I'll smash your ankles with a sledgehammer!

Margaret:
I'll be coming by twice a day to check up on you. I should be the only person coming by. No pals, no buddies, no heroin dealers.

Gary:
I don't do heroin.

Margaret:
Yeah, crack is classy. Hmmm. But I'm not buying you porn. There's pay-per-view or cable.

Gary:
[sarcastically] Great, because I really wasn't concerned about my career, family, or future. I just wanted to jerk off.

Sarah:
When I was a little girl, our house caught on fire.

Gary:
Oh sh*t.

Sarah:
I'll never forget the look on my father's face as he gathered me up in his arms and raced through the burning building and out onto the pavement. I stood there shivering in my pajamas and watched the whole world go up in flames. And when it was over, I said to myself "is that all there is to a fire?"

Sarah:
And then I met the most wonderful boy in the world. We would take long walks by the river. We spent hours gazing into each other's eyes. We were so very much in love. And then one day, he went away. And I thought I'd die, but I didn't. And when I didn't, I said to myself "is that all there is to love?"

Margaret:
I know who you are.

Sarah:
Really.

Margaret:
I know what you are. If you come near him again...

Sarah:
[interrupting her] You'll what? What are you going to do about it? Hmmm? Sorry, what's he calling you?

Margaret:
Margaret.

Sarah:
I like that. Margaret. Classic.

Margaret:
Why don't you just leave him alone?

Sarah:
Alone? He can't be left alone - he's an actor. If no one's watching him, he doesn't really exist. And for the record, I'm not the one deceiving him. He'll figure it out eventually, and when he does who do you think he's going to blame?

Margaret:
It's incredible.

Gary:
Whenever I see them, it's like... damn...

Margaret:
I was born at the wrong time.

Sarah:
One a scale of one to ten, you belong with the nines. We both know you won't settle for less.

Margaret:
You're not going to understand this yet, but we've known each other for like twenty-five years. One day when I was twelve, you called me out of the blue and we've been talking ever since.

Gary:
Talking?

Margaret:
On the phone, usually.

Gary:
This is all a dream?

Margaret:
No.

Gary:
I'm in a coma?

Margaret:
No.

Gary:
I'm dead? This is hell or purgatorium or something?

Margaret:
Okay, purgatorium is where Romans vomited, but no, this is as real as anything can be.

Gary:
What does that mean?

Margaret:
Everything is what it is. You're not who you think you are.

Melissa:
I feel so dirty.

Gavin:
That's how I like it.

Agitated Man:
It's not real.

Moderator:
What does that mean?

Agitated Man:
The show's not real! Why can't you just see that? Jesus! What are you f***ing blind? You think you're above this, don't you? You are trapped here with the rest of them brother! Get out! Get out! Oblivio accedit!

Susan:
Roger has this advice - he says forget about the people who score you in the twos and threes, because they're never going to like your show. Instead, look for the nines.

Gavin:
As soon as I got back, I just feel like... I feel like there's someone else there. And then last night, I thought I heard something, like a woman singing.

Melissa:
What like a ghost? A singing ghost?

Gavin:
I guess. And then I saw something; I actually ran into someone. I saw...

Melissa:
Was it the singing ghost?

Gavin:
It was a man.

Melissa:
Oh.

Gavin:
I think it was me.

Melissa:
Your house is haunted by yourself?

Gavin:
I have all these characters inside my head and they want to live.

Gavin:
Hey.

[Susan holds up her finger to signal him to wait while she talks on the phone]

Gavin:
No, I'll break your f***ing finger!

Susan:
Do you feel like a man? Because I'll tell you a little secret - you're not.

Gavin:
[to a cameraman following him] I'm not going to be your f***ing puppet!

Streetwalker:
Are you alright?

Gavin:
Yeah, I'm fine.

Streetwalker:
Who are you talking to?

Gabriel:
[to Mary] Who do you think you married, MacGyver?

Gabriel:
Look, I'm not some crazy Ted Bundy guy. I'm not going to rape or kill you or anything... which is of course what Ted Bundy would say.

[repeated line]

Noelle:
He's not coming back.

Sierra:
This is not a murder. This is an intervention.

Sierra:
You're a crackhead, G. Thing is, this planet and these people are your drug of choice. It wasn't that hard to make a universe. At first, you just checked in every once in a while, see how the Neanderthals were doing, move a couple of continents around. But then you got more into it. You started playing a couple of characters of your own. Slaves, kings, messiah, priest. Soon, you were playing 24/7.

Gabriel:
How long have I been...

Sierra:
You've been gone for four thousand years. Not that time means the same for us.

Gabriel:
You came looking for me.

Sierra:
That's what a girl does.

Gabriel:
Why now?

Streetwalker:
Because you forgot who you were.

Agitated Man:
You forgot this wasn't real.

Sierra:
We couldn't just storm in on a fiery chariot. It was your universe. We had to play by your rules. We had to show you how limited and corrupt your little world was. Don't get me wrong, it's a nice place, it's cozy. But do you remember where you came from? Do you remember where you came from?

Gabriel:
It was warm and white, like...

Agitated Man:
You can't describe it with human words.

Streetwalker:
You can't think it with human thoughts.

Sierra:
So you play a lot of characters at once?

Gabriel:
Well, a couple. Most people do.

Sierra:
But you're not most people. You created the world. You know all the secret codes.

Gabriel:
Like God-mode?

Sierra:
Is that what you call it?

Gabriel:
That's when you have all the powers and can't be killed. It's actually really boring to play, though.

Gabriel:
I guess I'm more worried about the human factor. You guys kill each other a lot.

Mary:
In fairness it's usually in your name. Plus, we've gotten much more efficient at it.

Gabriel:
I like this world. I like my life here with you and Noelle.

Mary:
It's not real. I'm not really your wife. You're not really my husband. On some level it's all pretend. How many versions were there?

Gabriel:
Ninety. This is the last one.

Mary:
Wow.

Gabriel:
I've destroyed billions of people with a thought, and you like to think that it's painless?

Mary:
Stop. You don't have to explain or apologize. Everything that is is because of you. And if that's all there is, that's enough.

Gary:
Are you saying I'm God?

Margaret:
Technically, no. If God is a ten, a theoretical ultimate, that-which-no-greater-can-be-imagined, you're more of a nine.

Gary:
So what are you?

Margaret:
Humans are sevens. Monkeys are sixes.

Gary:
What are the eights?

Margaret:
Koalas. They're telepathic. Plus, they control the weather.

Margaret:
What's important is that you, you're the big cheese. El Supremo. You could destroy the world with a single thought.

Margaret:
Okay, just so it's said, this house IS flammable.

Gary:
I didn't mean to burn down my house.

Margaret:
Yeah, and I didn't mean to eat my way into a 10-year shame spiral, but I did. And it's healthier to acknowledge it.