The North Avenue Irregulars

[Everybody has just spotted Rev. Hill returning to church with only his britches missing]

Bette Sims:
How come he doesn't have any pants on?

Mrs. Vicki Sims:
Well, we - we don't know why, we - we don't question why.

Bette Sims:
Why don't we? We're all suppose to pretend he has pants on, when he doesn't?

Mrs. Vicki Sims:
[sappy-like] Mm-hmm, Yes.

Claire:
If you lose, does the treasury department give you back your money?

Ticket Giver:
[through a head-hole in a walk-up counter] I thought so. Here's your order, lady.

[throws a handfull of flowers at her]

Ticket Giver:
And next time, take your business someplace else!

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
Did you have to wear that? We look like the Bobbsey Twins.

Mrs. Vicki Sims:
[spotting Cleo in the same outfit as them] Or triplets.

Rev. Michael Hill:
[over $1,206 of the church] I want that money back, and if I don't get it, I will go straight to the police.

Harry the Hat:
Now we don't want any trouble.

Jane:
Frankly, I'd like to stick it to 'em good!

Claire:
What did you have in mind, Tiger?

Jane:
Well, I don't know.

[at the gambling counter, Mrs. Rose Rafferty, Vicki Sims, and Cleo Jackson are all there disguised]

Big Chin, the Food Stand Operator:
What'll it be?

All Girls:
Coffee.

Big Chin, the Food Stand Operator:
Figures!

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
[gambling] And, a fiver on 2-6-8. My horoscope says that even numbers are going to be very lucky for me today.

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
Delaney told me it was a blank tape...

Mrs. Vicki Sims:
Mrs. Rafferty, we're fortunate we're not dead. After all, we don't even look like the Andrews Sisters.

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
[pointing to the inside of her trench coat] I got a tape recorder.

Mrs. Vicki Sims:
Is it on?

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
No.

Mrs. Vicki Sims:
Why don't you put it on, so that it'll be running when we make the bet.

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
Good idea.

[reaches in and try to turn the "record" button on, but accidentally pushes a different one, which makes it give off a rewinding sound, which brings attention to the Food-Stand Operator]

Mrs. Vicki Sims:
Not that way. That's reverse.

Sam the Tailor:
Hold it! Your pants.

Rev. Michael Hill:
What?

Sam the Tailor:
[points to a sign behind him and reads it out] "Pants Pressed While 'U Wait." That's part of my deal with Harry.

Rev. Michael Hill:
But all I want to do is talk to him.

Sam the Tailor:
No exceptions.

Mr. Delaney Rafferty:
Would you happen to have a little of that Sacremento wine on the premises, Reverand?

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
[slaps Delaney on the shoulder] Ah, Sacramento. Watch your hands! Do you want to get paint all over the Reverand's chair? Haven't you done enough for one day? Please, let's go home and get you cleaned up!

Mr. Delaney Rafferty:
Rosie, you're straining me patience!

Rev. Michael Hill:
Where is this bookie?

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
I don't know which one he used.

Rev. Michael Hill:
There's more than one?

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
Lots. Carlucci's Bakery, the pet store on Friar, or the orthopedic shoe store. But I'll lay you 8-to-1 he used Harry the Hat.

Rev. Michael Hill:
Harry the Hat?

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
Right.

Marvin Fogleman, T-Man:
[calling over the radio from the room] Phantom Fox.

Claire:
Uh, Max and I are watching Freddie Uh Two Fingers' Snooker Parlor, and uh I... expect to be murdered any minute. If that should happen, would somebody please contact Alfredo? He does my hair.

Marvin Fogleman, T-Man:
Ten-four.

Mr. Delaney Rafferty:
[over the radio] Five dames ain't gonna find no bank. We'll be lucky if they don't get us all killed! If you want me honest opinion, it's a wild duck chase.

Marvin Fogleman, T-Man:
Who... [grabbing the radio phone and turning to Reverand Hill] who is that?

Rev. Michael Hill:
[grabs radio phone] Sounds like Delaney Rafferty. Eh, Blarney Stone... the whole idea is that they'd be less suspicious with women following them.

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
I know, I know but I can't drive, Reverand. And you'll never recognize Delaney.

Mr. Delaney Rafferty:
[grabs radio phone from Rose. Delaney is dressed up as a woman] Don't use my name, I told ya. If it got out what I was doing, I'd be spending the night in the river that's what! Them guys play for keeps!

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
[running towards Reverand Hill] Reverend, what are you gonna do?

Rev. Michael Hill:
Stop that bet!

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
Ohh?

Rev. Michael Hill:
We'll take the bike. It's faster. [grabs a helmet and gives it to Rose] Here, put that on.

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
[putting helmet on] Yes, sir!

Rev. Michael Hill:
[getting on motorcycle] Get on, Mrs. Rafferty.

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
All right, I'm getting on. [gets on motorcycle]

Rev. Michael Hill:
[starts the engine] You all set?

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
[with a worried look on her face] I think so.

Rev. Michael Hill:
[Anne is listening to the conversation while at her desk] Blarney Stone, where is he? Do you copy? Blarney Stone, have you spotted them? [Anne knocks on door and walks in] Where are you?

Mr. Delaney Rafferty:
Don't ask! [the Rafferty's car is facing a train, bumper to bumper, on a track. The train engineer blows the train's horn]

Train Engineer:
Get off the track!

Mrs. Rose Rafferty:
Don't yell at me! Who do you think you are? [the train engineer continues to blow the horn]

Mr. Delaney Rafferty:
And quit blowing that horn! You're giving me a headache!

Mr. Delaney Rafferty:
One false move and you've got a new nose!

Rev. Michael Hill:
[while on the phone with the fire department] Well, can't you get the cat out of the tree later? Well... a man's life is in danger!

Anne:
Are you a minister or Batman?

Anne:
Mike, look, uh, if it's old sourpuss Fulton that you're worried about, well, he wouldn't know a good minister if God put his arm around him and said, "That's my boy!" You know what I mean?

[In a saloon, Jane and Marv Fogleman "Chief T-Man" are in there, and Jane is disguised silly like a saloon girl. Howard "Jane's fianc?" and his mother just arrive]

Howard Carlisle:
Jane!

Jane:
Howard!

Howard Carlisle:
What are you doing in here?

Jane:
Uh? I was uh... having a little refreshment.

Mother Carlisle:
Oh, is that what they call it these days? Ask her who the man is, Howard.

Howard Carlisle:
Who is that...?

Jane:
Howard, I'll call you later.

Mother Carlisle:
Ask her who the man is, Howard!

Howard Carlisle:
Who is that...?

Jane:
Howard, I'll call you later!

[Howard's mom pokes him, still forcing him to ask it]

Howard Carlisle:
Who is that man?

Jane:
He's just a guy. He bought me a drink, is that a crime?

Mother Carlisle:
I told you she wasn't right for you, in the first place.

Howard Carlisle:
Yes, Mother.