The Private Life of Henry VIII.

[Henry's fourth wedding night]

King Henry VIII:
My wife? Huh... not yet.

Anne of Cleves:
Poor mother told me... first he says the marriage is no good, and then he cuts off the head with an ax chopper!

King Henry VIII:
That is an exaggeration, madam.

Anne of Cleves:
Then why do you say I am not yet your wife?

King Henry VIII:
Well, madam, uh, a marriage ceremony doesn't make us one.

Anne of Cleves:
Mmm?

[shows her ring]

King Henry VIII:
Oh, yes, yes, yes, 's all right, but you, uh, have to, umm, I have to...

Anne of Cleves:
What?

King Henry VIII:
Did your mother not talk to you about...

Anne of Cleves:
What?

King Henry VIII:
Oh Lord. Ohhhh, well, uh, madam, all that stuff about children being found under gooseberry bushes... that's not true...

Katherine Howard:
Who's there?

King Henry VIII:
Henry.

Katherine Howard:
Henry who?

King Henry VIII:
The King.

Katherine Howard:
Oh, the King, not the man.

King Henry VIII:
Unlock the door.

Katherine Howard:
Isn't it rather late for a maid to unlock her door to a... man?

King Henry VIII:
On, come on, unlock the door.

Katherine Howard:
Is that a command?

King Henry VIII:
Yes.

Katherine Howard:
To the King, then, not the man.

[lets him in and kneels]

King Henry VIII:
Don't do that. I'm leaving me crown outside.

Katherine Howard:
You've left it outside with my reputation, sire.

King Henry VIII:
No one saw me, Katherine, I swear. Can't you forget the King and forget the crown, forget everything... you told me once I was a man, uh? What do you say if I'm not the King?

Katherine Howard:
Get out of my room!

King Henry VIII:
What? Whyyy...

Katherine Howard:
That's what I *would* say, if you were not the King. Since you are the King, I expect your command.

King Henry VIII:
Command? It's a poor thing to command in love.

Katherine Howard:
Love? Who is in love?

King Henry VIII:
I am, with you.

Katherine Howard:
Love eternal, since yesterday afternoon, until tomorrow morning?

King Henry VIII:
When I say love, I mean love.

Thomas Culpeper:
I never should have come, Kate. We can't go on like this.

Katherine Howard:
I know, it's dreadful, seeing each other every day and never being alone together...

Thomas Culpeper:
Oh, it's not that, it's... it's being torn in half between you and the King.

Katherine Howard:
But, Tom, we belong to each other!

Thomas Culpeper:
No. We belong to him.

[Henry's fourth wedding night]

King Henry VIII:
[shouting] Ah, what am I, what am I going to do with you!

Anne of Cleves:
Chop my head?

King Henry VIII:
Probably.

Anne of Cleves:
You daren't.

King Henry VIII:
Why not?

Anne of Cleves:
Because in Europe I will make such a scandal as you never heard. Not the first time you have chopped the head. Henry the wife-butcher, that's what they will call you!

King Henry VIII:
I don't care what they say, I'm not going to live with you!

Anne of Cleves:
Well, why don't you divorce me, like a gentleman?

King Henry VIII:
You would consent to a divorce?

Anne of Cleves:
I would consent to a divorce.

King Henry VIII:
You are a very reasonable woman. What are your terms?

Anne Boleyn:
Isn't it a pity to lose a head like this? Still, they will easily find a nickname for me: among the Queens of England, I shall be "Anne sans t?te." That means "Anne who lost her head."

[At Anne Boleyn's execution]

Man:
Well, one must admit, she died like a queen.

Woman:
Yes. And that frock, wasn't it too divine?

Man:
Was it? I didn't notice.

Woman:
No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't notice that I haven't had a new gown for a year.

Man:
All right, all right, you shall have one... for *your* execution!

Palace servant:
Anne Boleyn dies this morning; Jane Seymour takes her place tonight. What luck!

Another servant:
For which of them, I wonder?

Thomas Cromwell:
Sire, we need more heirs.

King Henry VIII:
I have given you three, two daughters and a son! I grant you, the daughters show little promise; Mary may grow to wisdom, but Elizabeth'll never learn to rule so much as a kitchen. Ah, but the boy is my second self.

King Henry VIII:
Diplomacy? Diplomacy, my foot! I'm an Englishman - I can't say one thing and mean another. What I can do is to build ships, ships, and then more ships!

Thomas Cromwell:
You mean, double the fleet?

King Henry VIII:
Treble it! Fortify Dover! Rule the sea!

Thomas Cromwell:
To do this will cost us money, sire.

King Henry VIII:
To leave it undone will cost us England!

King Henry VIII:
No, Thomas, not clever, thanks be to heaven. My first wife was clever, my second was ambitious, but my third... Thomas, if you want to be happy, marry a girl like my sweet little Jane. Marry a stupid woman! Ha ha ha...

King Henry VIII:
You know, the Germans offered me half of France if I'd join 'em... heh... and the French offered me Flanders. Heh heh heh. They're very generous with each other's territory, heh heh heh. In my youth, in Wolsey's time, I'd have accepted one offer or the other, but what's the use of new territories and wars, wars, wars again?

French executioner:
There is a blade for you fit for a king! Or in this case, a queen, n'est-ce pas?

English executioner:
Not fit for our Queen!

French executioner:
No? Why not?

English executioner:
She is an English Queen, ain't she? Well, what's wrong with English steel? And come to that, what's wrong with an English headsman?

French executioner:
Ah, meaning yourself?

English executioner:
Why not? I was good enough to knock off the Queen's five lovers, wasn't I? Why'd they want you, a Frenchman from Calais?

[spits]

French executioner:
I will tell you...

English executioner:
No, I'm telling you. It's a crying shame. 'N half the English executioners out of work as it is!

French executioner:
And why are they out of work? Because they are only fit to sever the bull necks of their countrymen with a butcher's cleaver. But a woman's neck, a Queen's neck: that calls for finesse, for delicacy, for chivalry... in one word, a Frenchman!

English executioner:
I could think of another word.

[last lines]

King Henry VIII:
Six wives, and the best of them's the worst.

King Henry VIII:
[gobbling down chicken and then casually tossing the legs off to one side as Cromwell looks on disgustedly] There's no delicacy nowadays. No consideration for others. Refinement's a thing of the past! Manners are dead!

King Henry VIII:
[on being told a son has been born] It's a boy! A boy!