The Return of 'Allo 'Allo!

Michelle Dubois:
Listen very carefully, I will say this only once.

Ren? Artois:
Have you ever said anything twice?

Michelle Dubois:
I have, but only once.

Ren? Artois:
As you know, I am editing my memoirs...

Yvette Carte-Blanche:
Oh, am I still to be found between the covers?

Yvette Carte-Blanche:
Ren?, surely you are not going to put every detail in your memoirs?

Ren? Artois:
Why, yes! But the names have been changed to protect the innocent. I have changed your name, too.

Ren? Artois:
Something has been eating away at me like a mouse gnawing away at an 'ard bit of cheese.

Michelle Dubois:
Well, come on, Ren?, out with it.

Ren? Artois:
[distracted for a moment] Oh, ah, Michelle, what exactly do you wear under this mackintosh?

Officer Crabtree:
Good moaning. [approaches the bar] I was just pissing your coffee, when I thought I'd drip in for a drunk.

Officer Crabtree:
[reminicing about his arrival in France] Ah yes, I remember it well. It was a dick night, and there was no min.

Ren? Artois:
[to the audience] Dark night, no moon.

Officer Crabtree:
I jumped out of a Brittish bummer, which was being chased by some German farters.

Mimi Labonq:
Ren?, when will I ever get over you?

Ren? Artois:
Well, Thursday's are good for me...

Mimi Labonq:
[to Leclerc] I was just telling him about our wonderful wedding photographs.

Ren? Artois:
Yeah, you must give me one next time you come round.

Mimi Labonq:
I will make sure you 'ave an enlargement.

Ren? Artois:
I will look forward to that.

Ernest Leclerc:
That was I, Leclerc.

Lieutenant Hubert Gruber:
I notice that there are dark circles around your eyes, are you suffering from stress?

Ren? Artois:
Why no, I, the, eh, I know what it is. I have been using dusty binoculars for birdwatching.

Lieutenant Hubert Gruber:
Oh, how could I forget. You were always a twitcher.

Ren? Artois:
You know, looking back on it all I suppose I should count my blessings. I still have my caf?, I still have my youthful good looks.