The Substitute 3: Winner Takes All

Prof. Nicole Stewart:
So what do you hope to gain by this?

Karl Thomasson:
The usual. Truth. Justice. The American way.

Karl Thomasson:
Steroids, they pump you up, make you huge, make you feel like you're the master of the universe! But while you're mastering the universe, let me tell about a couple of other things that they can do: They can give you high blood pressure. They can give you coronary disease, kidney disease, cancer of the liver. They can cause impotence, and sterility, not to mention diareaha, acne, hair loss, body odor, and the always popular, withered testicles. Having trouble getting a date on Saturday? Wait till she finds out what you're packing in your shorts when you're doing steroids. Absolutely nothing. Oh hey! And I almost forgot one other minor side effect: they can kill you! Not years from now down the road, but right now, today, this minute. But hey, don't take my word for it. Just ask your classmate Josh Silver. But don't expect and answer any time soon. 'Cause right now, he's on a stainless steel autopsy table in the medical examiner's office, having his organs removed and disected ONE BY ONE. But hey, he sure could bench press couldn't he?

Macy:
You got to admire a guy like that. He knows what to do with a rifle butt.

Karl Thomasson:
Well it makes me jealous when you get all the attention.

Macy:
Well, I tipped him. That's why he gave me that last shot in the spine.

Macy:
I don't feel anything below my neck. Why don't you just make me a little more comfortable and then you skip town by yourself?

Karl Thomasson:
What and give up my favorite dance partner? Not a chance.

Jeremy:
Yeah I went searchin' for my old man last week.

Thad:
Where'd you find him?

Jeremy:
Same place I always do: Passed out in a puddle of piss with a warm beer in his hand.

Prof. Nicole Stewart:
So you come from a family of intellectuals? Let me tell you something: Playing football may give you a free ride in this school, but in my class you are not going to get academic credit for running pass patterns. You're this close from failing this class. All of you are. And if you do, I just want to remind you that the only football you are going to be seeing is on the television in your frat house. Think about that.

Josh Silver:
Look, uh, Miss Stewart. I can't fail another class this semester. ok? I mean if I do my father may cut me off.

Prof. Nicole Stewart:
All you do in this class, Josh, is crack jokes and check out my ass neither of which is on the syllabus.

Josh Silver:
Look at me, b*tch!

Prof. Nicole Stewart:
Get out of here. Get out!

Karl Thomasson:
Maybe you didn't notice but those guys were completely wired. Maybe it was coke, maybe it was steroids, but they were totally out of control. Why don't you let me deal with them?

Thad:
We still gotta do something about that teacher. Get her off our backs.

Bo Robinson:
Yeah you're right.

Jeremy:
What do you do when someones standing between you and the end-zone? You chop block his ass into next week! Send him home on a stretcher!

Head Coach Bill Braden:
So, if you need anything, like tickets just let me know.

Karl Thomasson:
Oh, don't worry, Coach. I know this is going to be a memorable season.

Jeremy:
Hey we only lost Vietnam because of Hippie's and draft dodgers, and you wouldn't see that crap today.

Karl Thomasson:
So, uh, what's your name?

Jeremy:
Jeremy.

Karl Thomasson:
So you're saying domestic unrest undermine the military abroad. Is that right?

Jeremy:
Yeah.

Karl Thomasson:
And where'd you learn this? From one of you political science professors?

Jeremy:
Rambo.

Bo Robinson:
If that isn't the guy from the pizza parlor I'm Snow White.

Tony Lo Russo:
You see the headlights on that four by four? That's what I call an off road vehicle.