The Switch

Kassie Larson:
Would you please not Wally this into a situation worse than it already is.

Wally Mars:
Hang on, did you just use my name as a verb?

Wally Mars:
Neurotic is simply an intense form of introspection. You're be called introspective and being introspective is good. You walk around with an opinion, with point of view, and some source of nice kind of direction.

Kassie Larson:
Would you please stop having sex with your food?

[first lines]

Wally Mars:
Look at us. Running around, always rushed, always late. I guess that's why they call it the human race. What we crave most in this world is connection. For some people it happens at first site. It's when you know, you know. It's fate working its magic. And that's great for them. They get to live in a pop song; ride the express train. But that's not the way it really works. For the rest of us it's a bit less romantic. It's complicated and it's messy. It's about horrible timing and fumbled opportunities. And not being able to say what you need to say when you need to say it. At least, that's the way it was for me.

Wally Mars:
Look at. Running around. Always rushed. Always late. Guess that's why they called it the human race. But sometimes, it slows down just enogh for all the pieces fall into place Fate works it's magic. And you're connected.

Debbie:
She's going to use this.

[Pulls up turkey baster]

Wally Mars:
What? Shouldn't it be cleaned or something?

Debbie:
Not really. She's going to use some scientific thing, but it's like this.

Knit Hat Guy:
[about Wally] B-b-b-be-bb-bb-b-b-beady eyed - bbbeady eyed little man boy!

Wally Mars:
I - - um, hijacked your pregnancy.

Sebastian:
Nature is in crises. And only one mammal is to blame.

Sebastian:
I'm having a birthday party.

Wally Mars:
Oh yeah? You enjoy that, there's gonna come a time in your life when you're not gonna want people to know it's your birthday.

Sebastian:
Why wouldn't anyone want people to know about their birthday?

Wally Mars:
Because getting old sucks. Most people don't accomplish what they'd hope to and they realize that they are most likely not going to. They end up living these quite lives of denial, and uh... brushing birthdays under the rug just becomes a part of that.

Sebastian:
Do you ever get scared that you could have Parkinson's disease?

Wally Mars:
Not specifically Parkinson's, But I'm not gonna lie, I've had my bouts with hypochondria.

Sebastian:
What's that?

Wally Mars:
That's thinking you have diseases that you don't really have.

Sebastian:
Oh my God. I have that.

Wally Mars:
So that we're clear, she did not put me in the friend zone. We put each other in the friend zone. It was a mutual placement. You know that.

Leonard:
Let's be honest with ourselves, you had your window with Kassie and you went all Wally on her and you doomed it.

Wally Mars:
What is that even supposed to mean?

Leonard:
You shared too much too soon. Quickest way to kill a romance. You gotta hide the crazy, at least through the appetizers.

Wally Mars:
I see. So just so that I'm clear, which one of your three failed marriages taught you that lesson?

Leonard:
All three, and they're special in various ways.

[last lines]

Wally Mars:
Every once in a while, out of all the randomness, something unexpected happens that pushes us all forward. And the truth is, what I'm struggling to think, and what I'm struggling to feel, is that maybe the human race isn't a race at all.

Kassie Larson:
I'm ready to do it now. Life is in session.

Kassie Larson:
I'm in the market for semen, and...

Wally Mars:
And?

Kassie Larson:
I need you to help me find some.

Wally Mars:
Do you want to tell me about your new school?

Sebastian:
Why?

Wally Mars:
Because you're a kid and there's nothing else to talk about.

Leonard:
You should go home, Wally.

Wally Mars:
They *are* my home, Leonard.

Wally Mars:
Will you marry me?

Kassie Larson:
Probably.