The Virginity Hit

Nicole:
Do you want to take a shower with me?

Matt:
Yeah uh... see actually I'm good right now. I just actually... I took a shower.

Jacob:
[Listening in from another room with Zack and some other friends] Come on.

Zack:
[Drops head onto arms] I hate - I hate him.

Nicole:
I know that I f***ed up, but, like, what is this with all the cameras? Like, are you f***ing kidding me? Like, you would do that to me? Look I didn't do anything on purpose just to hurt you. [points at camera] You're doing this on purpose just to hurt me, Matt.

Zack:
[laughing at Matt]

Matt:
[Shaving his pubic hair] Why is that funny?

Zack:
It's not a massage. You rub it around the f***ing hairy parts, not your whole dick, you weirdo.

Zack:
[while on his knees, shaving Matt's pubic hair] So, when you're f***ing her tonight, you know what you should say? I was thinking about this last week. You should say, "Girl, I'm gonna f*** the taste right out of your mouth."

Matt:
No. No, I'm not saying that to anyone.

Zack:
It's classy.

Matt:
It's not classy.

Zack:
It's very classy. That's like holding the door for a woman.

Matt:
Saying that I want to f*** the taste out of someone?

Zack:
Absolutely. [Admires the shaving work he's doing] I am good at this.

Matt:
Okay, what if after all that, I um... f*** the taste out of your mouth. That's good?

Becca:
What? What... [scratches head] Okay. Tell me, why would I need the taste f***ed out of my mouth. I don't... what does that mean?

Matt:
[Stutters] Well, I... If you need... If, like... I don't know.

Becca:
Do you think I need the taste f***ed out of my mouth?

Matt:
I don't think... No. I don't think you need it. I'm just saying that maybe it's, like, a...

Becca:
No?

Matt:
No. Just forget I said it. Let's start at the beginning. Sorry.

Zack:
Matt has fallen ill with two acute medical conditions. Blue balls and a broken heart. And my associate, Jacob, and I have found a way to cure this problem.

Zack:
[to two pedestrian women] Have you ever lost your virginities? Wanna meet my friend?

Matt:
Alright. I sucked... her tits.

Zack:
$2500, and all you did was suck her tits?

Matt:
We were the wonder couple. We were going to be like... Fantastic Four minus two. Fantastic Two. I just want to get back together with you.

Zack:
You just need to promise me you'll tell me one thing. Just one thing, that's all I want to know.

Matt:
I'll try. I will.

Zack:
Does she squirt? [Matt looks dumbfounded] Did she have a geyser? 'Cause she totally looks like...

Matt:
Yeah, yeah.

Zack:
Her vagina was like Old Yeller.

Jacob:
No, not Old Yeller. Old Yeller's a dog. Yellow, you're thinking of...

Zack:
Yellowstone Park.

Jacob:
Yeah.

Zack:
Old Geyser.

Jacob:
[laughs] No, not...

Matt:
Old Yeller. Old Yeller was the dog.

Justin:
Old Yeller is the dog.

Matt:
What's the name of the geyser?

Zack:
Old Geyser.

Matt, Jacob, Justin:
No.

Justin:
Old Face...

Matt:
Face/Off!