The Wedding Ringer

[from trailer]

Jimmy:
Meet your groomsmen! [Doug looks at a bunch of strangers]

Doug Harris:
These guys can not be my groomsmen. It looks like the entire cast of Goonies grew up and became rapists!

[from trailer]

Jimmy:
You can hide a fat ass in baggy pants, but you cannot hide a bad dancer!

Doug Harris:
You ask how a girl like Gretchen could fall for me? I took her dancing! [a dance off ensues]

[from trailer]

Doug Harris:
I want my real life to be as fun as the one I made up!

[from trailer]

Doug Harris:
What exactly do you do?

Jimmy:
I provide best man services for guys who lack in such areas.

Doug Harris:
So, I'm not alone?

Jimmy:
Alone? No! I run a very profitable business because of guys like you! How many weddings were in the US last year?

Doug Harris:
2.4 million!

Jimmy:
That means 2.4 million grooms! You think each and everyone of them has someone as their best man?

[from trailer]

Jimmy:
I'm assuming you made up a name for me?

Doug Harris:
Bic Mitchum.

Jimmy:
Do I wear a cape? "Hello, ladies, what's going on? My name is Bic." "I'm Bic Mitchum and I love candy!" "Bic Mitchum can have whatever he wants!"... I like it. [later on]

Paige:
Don't you think it's a little strange that your best man's name is... Bic Mitchum?

[from trailer]

Jimmy:
God created the world in seven days. We gotta do a whole lot more in a lot less time!

Edmundo:
You put the weed in the coconut, and light that sh*t up.

[last lines]

Lurch:
I've got a bad feeling about this plane.

Jimmy:
This is what you have to understand, Doug. Some people are just loners. It's that simple, man.

Doug Harris:
Maybe I don't want to be. Maybe I just want someone to grab a beer with, to go on a cool guy trip with.

Jimmy:
You've never been on a guy trip, Doug? Cabo, Cancun, spring break? You've never done anything like that?

Doug Harris:
I never really had anyone to go with.

Jimmy:
It doesn't mean that we're not going to have a good time, Doug.

Doug Harris:
I said I got it. You're anybody's friend for a price, but nobody's when it counts.

Hal Lane:
And your first dance will be to what song?

Paige:
To our song, "You Are So Beautiful". That's by Joe Cocker.

Hal Lane:
[sarcastically] Thanks.

Paige:
[glances at Doug, who looks dissatisfied] What?

Doug Harris:
That's not our song. That's not our song.

Paige:
Honey, of course it is! Babe, don't you remember? Your broken CD player repeated it over and over and over the first time we made love?

Hal Lane:
Aww.

Paige:
So amazing.

Doug Harris:
That wasn't... that wasn't me. That was your ex, Steve. And I know that 'cause you've told me the story about five times.

Bad Best Man:
[walks on stage and starts beatboxing] Haha, just kidding, just kidding. The moment Chris asked me to be his best man, I sat down and I wrote a pretty awesome speech. But, I don't know, I think I'd rather speak from the heart. [rips paper in half]

Jimmy:
Oh, don't do that. Don't you rip that paper up. You never do that.

Bad Best Man:
Ah. You know, when Chris... Chris and I first met, we, um... uh, wha... Chris and I, um... have known each other since, uh... hah... Chris and I, you know, we, we did stuff together. [dry heaves]

Jimmy:
He's gonna throw up on the f***in' bride.

Bad Best Man:
And, um, Chris has been like a brother to me. Well, I... because my real brother died. Well, he didn't die immediately...

Jimmy:
No...

Bad Best Man:
They revived him in the ambulance, then he died later. Hah... uh... Adolf Hitler once said...

Jimmy:
Holy f***ing sh*t.