The Wrong Guy

Nelson Hibbert:
My name is Jones... Enema Bag Jones.

Nelson Hibbert:
What kind of a man has a favorite daughter?

Mr. Nagel:
Now, moving along...

Nelson Hibbert:
And if you do have a favorite then you should label them! Favorite and not favorite!

Lynn Holden:
I feel that I'm a pretty intuitive person. Except for that one guy who said he was an advanced scout for an alien invasion force but it turned out he just wanted to get inside my pants.

Creepy Guy:
Know how many assassins it took to kill JFK?

Nelson Hibbert:
One?

Creepy Guy:
Nope. There were no gunmen at all. His head just did that. I call it the "No Bullet theory."

The Killer:
You're awake?

Nelson Hibbert:
Yeah, for a while now.

The Killer:
I've been carrying you!

Nelson Hibbert:
I thought you wanted to.

Det. Arlen:
I'll never catch him. I quit.

Creepy Guy:
I could kill you right now with just two teabags and some waxpaper!

Det. Arlen:
Captain Hughes, I want to know one thing. Are you sure it was him?

Capt. Hughes:
I'm positive. Uh, he wounded a bunch of my guys. He did this somersault thing onto a squad car while shooting.

Det. Arlen:
That's him all right. I've seen him pull himself up into an air duct.

Capt. Hughes:
Really?

Det. Arlen:
Well, great, he's out of Cleveland. No longer my problem. Let's go, Jimmy!

Jimmy:
The Feds would like you to stay on the case since you've been so involved this far, and the FBI will give you all the backup and resources you need to continue your investigation.

Det. Arlen:
That's just great. What kind of resources.

Jimmy:
Unlimited.

Det. Arlen:
Unlimited, huh?

Jimmy:
Uh-huh.

Det. Arlen:
Jimmy, how long would it take to get from here to Cincinatti by helicopter?

Jimmy:
I don't know. About half an hour.

Det. Arlen:
Great, get one. I got a sister in Cincinatti I haven't seen in eight months. Let's go!

Nelson Hibbert:
Something happened to me back there with that gun pointed to my head. I had... um... I had a uh...

Lynn Holden:
An epiphany?

Nelson Hibbert:
No, no. It was more like a realization but on a grand scale...

Lynn Holden:
An epiphany!

Nelson Hibbert:
No, it had like religious proportions to it...

Lynn Holden:
You're describing an epiphany...

Nelson Hibbert:
But whatever it was, it made me realize how shallow my life has been...

Nelson Hibbert:
It's these damn eyes- they're too sensitive to chemicals and... filthy towels.

The Killer:
[holding Nelson hostage while talking to police] All right, here's what I want: a million dollars in cash, safe passage across the border...

Nelson Hibbert:
...And a helicopter.

The Killer:
And a helicopter! Wait! [to Nelson] Why?

Nelson Hibbert:
I always wanted to ride in a helicopter.

Det. Arlen:
Your helicopter is on it's way.

The Killer:
I don't want a helicopter!

Farmer Brown:
Be sure nice to tear this bank down and plant me a fresh crop of corn.

Fred Holden:
You will not plant one ear of your filthy corn here!

Nelson Hibbert:
[Being dragged out the door] Alright, I'll leave! But I will leave here of my own free will!

Nelson Hibbert:
I haven't been miniature golfing since I was a kid. You know something Mr. Killer? You're not such a tough guy. You're just an old softy.

The Killer punches Nelson in the head.

The Killer:
Park over there.

Lynn Holden falls asleep at the wheel.

Lynn Holden:
Did I have one of my spells again?

Nelson Hibbert:
Yes you did, but those of us who chose to wear seat belts are fine.

The Killer:
Shutup! Get out of the car!