This Ain't Star Trek 3 XXX: This Is a Parody

Spock:
I appreciate your assistance, Nurse Chapel.

Nurse Chapel:
Christine. It's Christine.

Spock:
Thank you, I believe, is the appropriate term, *Christine*.

Nurse Chapel:
I don't know your first name.

Spock:
You could not pronounce it.

Nurse Chapel:
Tell me. [Spock whispers into her ear] Clark? Clark Spock?

Evil Kirk:
Mr. Spock, you're a pain in the ass. Both universes.

Young Kirk:
I'm gonna have to talk to Spock about this. Must be that *red* matter.

Captain Kirk:
Red matter. What exactly is red matter?

Young Kirk:
I dunno, but it's... bad.

[last lines]

Spock:
[giving Vulcan salute] Welcome aboard, Captain.

Captain Kirk:
Thank you, Mr. Spock.

[first lines]

Ensign O'Herlihy:
: Hey Rizzo, when did you transfer into Science from Security?

Rizzo:
: I didn't. I just started takin' blue uniforms from the laundry.

Ensign O'Herlihy:
: Why?

Rizzo:
: Trust me kid, redshirts will get you killed every time.

Dr. McCoy:
[checks medical tricorder] No doubt about it, Jim, he's you. [observes Young Kirk sneaking a peek up Nurse Chapel's skirt as she bends over to pick up a dropped instrument case] Well, you as an adult.

Young Kirk:
I *am* an adult.

Captain Kirk:
The jury's still out.

Young Kirk:
I don't understand how this happened.

Dr. McCoy:
Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a physicist!

Captain Kirk:
...mechanic?

Young Kirk:
Yours does this, too?

Captain Kirk:
All the time.

Young Kirk:
You ready to go home?

Captain Kirk:
The ship is brand new. Your laws of physics make no sense. You got a crew of sexy twentysomethings... f*** like rabbits. Who wouldn't want to leave?

Young Kirk:
Good. Glad to hear it.

Ambassador Robert April:
When an officer of the line leaves your ship, it is customary to show them the way to the transporter pad by going first.

Young Kirk:
I knew that! Captain Kirk, may I invite you onto my transporter so I can get you the hell offa my ship, and back to where you came from?

Captain Kirk:
I don't think so. [signals Scotty to activate the transporter]

Young Kirk:
Dude, no f***in' way. This sucks! [dematerializes]

Young Kirk:
[coming to the rescue after Uhura has already disabled Evil Kirk] It's okay, you're safe.

Uhura:
God, you're an idiot.

Young Kirk:
Yeah, but a charming idiot. [embraces Uhura]

Uhura:
The things that you have to do to get promoted around here.

Captain Kirk:
Lieutenant Uhura, raise the bridge for me.

Uhura:
My pleasure sir.

Sulu:
[voice over intercom] Helm.

Captain Kirk:
Mr. Sulu, set course for Cygnet 14.

Sulu:
[voice over intercom] Aye-Aye, Captain. Warp one.

Captain Kirk:
Mr. Sulu, you're such a p*ssy. Warp factor *six*.

Sulu:
[voice over intercom] Oh my!