City Slickers

Mitch Robbins:
Whose idea was this anyway?

Mitch:
Excuse me, el doctor! Hello...? Don't sew anything up thats supposed to remain open, ok?

Mitch:
Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place

Ed Furillo:
What did you use for protection, paper or plastic?

Ed Furillo:
The three of us, New Mexico. We're going to drive cattle.

Mitch Robbins:
What, like in a truck?

Mitch Robbins:
Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?

Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’

Keep them dogies rollin’

Man, my ass is swollen

Rawhide!

Get ‘em up, move ‘em out

Wake ‘em up, get ‘em dressed

Get ‘em shaved, comb their hair

Rawhide!

Tie me down, tell me lies

Pull my hair, smack my thighs

With big wet strap of...

Rawhide!!!

Phil Berquist:
If hate were people, I'd be China!

Phil Berquist:
Where are you from?

Ben Jessup:
Baltimore. We have a dental practice there.

Mitch Robbins:
Really, you're both dentists?

Steve Jessup:
Yes! We're black AND we're dentists. Let's not make an issue out of it.

Ben Jessup:
Eh, they're not making an issue of it. You're making an issue of it.

Bonnie Rayburn:
Listen, it took a lot of courage to do what you did. Thank you.

Mitch Robbins:
I'm married.

Ed Furillo:
This guy, Curly, is a true cowboy. One of the last real men. He's untamed. Next to him, we're trained ponies. It'll do us good to be in his world for a while.

Mitch Robbins:
Do us good? Didn't you guys see? The man was hanging the hired help! And, did you notice his eyes? He has crazy eyes. He's a lunatic! We are going into the wilderness being led by a lunatic!

Mitch Robbins:
He's behind me, isn't he?

Curly:
I crap bigger than you!

Mitch Robbins:
That was "have a pleasant and restful evening."

Ed Furillo:
No, that was "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?"

Mitch Robbins:
Hi Curly. Killed anyone today?

Curly:
The day ain't over yet...

Mitch Robbins:
You know, this was not in the brochure...

Phil Berquist:
You know you were right, Mitch. My life is a "do-over". It's time to get started.

Mitch Robbins:
I hope I can help.

Ed Furillo:
Now I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna get Kim pregnant.

Mitch Robbins:
I hope I can help.

Cookie:
The food's brown, hot, and plenty of it.

Mitch Robbins:
Have you ever had that feeling that this is the best I'm ever gonna do, this is the best I'm ever gonna feel... and it ain't that great?

Station Manager:
Happy Birthday.

Arlene Berquist:
I'm calling my father!

Phil Berquist:
He's not home! It's his night to be with the other escaped Nazis!

Sal:
We got this job on 65th and Third. This big freakin' ballbreaker of a job, right, and we got the area roped off so that some schmuck don't walk through there and take a wrecking ball between the eyes. All of a sudden this woman, you know with the big dark glasses and the Bloomingdale bags, she starts walking right through the ropes and I yell down at her, "Hey! You can't go there ya stupid b*tch." And suddenly, this big steam fittin' bursts and this God damn crane crashes right down on her legs. And she's screaming, "My Legs! My Legs!" And I say, "No sh*t, your legs, you got a two-thousand-pound goddamn crane on you." Now you know that in an emergency situation you can get superhuman strength? I reach down and I lift this crane and was able to slide her out from under, and the doctors were able to save her legs. So the moral of this story is: don't walk where you're not supposed to walk because there may not be someone with superhuman strength to save your little ass. And don't do drugs.

Clay Stone:
Great gobs of goose sh*t!

Clay Stone:
I feel as happy as a puppy dog with two peters.

Clay Stone:
When you three first got here, you were as worthless as hen sh*t on a pump handle.

Mitch Robbins:
Those cows trusted us.

Ed Furillo:
Oh, come on. Are you telling me you wouldn't like to f*** her brains out?

Mitch:
You know, that's such a lovely image -- "f*** her brains out." It ranks right up there with that other classic: "bang the sh*t out of her."

Mitch Robbins:
It's nothing to be ashamed of--I had the same problem.

Phil Berquist:
Didn't you feel stupid; I mean, didn't you feel . . . inadequate?

Mitch Robbins:
Yeah, for a while, but then I overcame it. Can I explain it to you again? I mean now promise me you won't get upset.

Phil Berquist:
O.K.; it's not gonna to do any good.

Mitch Robbins:
O.K., if you want to watch one show but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel 3.

Phil Berquist:
Yeah it does.

Mitch Robbins:
No it doesn't.

Phil Berquist:
It does.

Mitch Robbins:
No, if you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3.

Phil Berquist:
What . . . the TV or . . . or the machine?

Mitch Robbins:
The TV.

Phil Berquist:
You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching?

Mitch Robbins:
Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record.

Phil Berquist:
How would I see it?

Mitch Robbins:
Well to see it you need a TV.

Ed Furillo:
Shut up! Just shut up! He doesn't get it! He'll never get it! It's been 4 hours! The cows can tape something by now! Forget about it please!

Phil Berquist:
How do you do the clock?

Ed Furillo:
You're dead. You are dead.

Cookie:
Lord, we give you Curly. Try not to piss him off.

Mitch Robbins:
Bonnie, there's a stampede...in your tent!

Mitch Robbins:
I have a roping disability.

Mitch Robbins:
You know what just occurred to me? Roping is stupid. This is a cow, not a gazelle, watch. Get off the horse, huh? Ok. And then you walk up to the cow. Look at how good this is working. Then you say "Hi. I'm Bob Vila with 'This Old Herd.' We're going to rope you today." Then you take Mr. Loop and put it around the head of Mr. Cow.

Mitch Robbins:
Now what's wrong with that?

Curly:
That!

Barbara Robbins:
We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

Barry Shalowitz:
What do you think? What would be the perfect flavor with this meal?

Ira Shalowitz:
Cherry vanilla?

Barry Shalowitz:
No. If it was Chinese food, right on the money, but this? Toasted almonds.

Mitch Robbins:
What's going on?

Ira Shalowitz:
Barry can pick out the exact right flavor of ice cream to follow any meal. Go ahead. Challenge him.

Mitch Robbins:
Challenge him?

Barry Shalowitz:
Go on.

Mitch Robbins:
Franks and beans.

Barry Shalowitz:
Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla. Don't waste my time.

Barry Shalowitz:
Come on. Push me.

Mitch Robbins:
Sea bass.

Barry Shalowitz:
Grilled?

Mitch Robbins:
Sauteed.

Barry Shalowitz:
I'm with you.

Mitch Robbins:
Potatoes au gratin. Asparagus.

Barry Shalowitz:
Rum raisin.

Barry Shalowitz:

Bonnie Rayburn:
That's really wonderful. You got him to drink from the bottle.

Mitch Robbins:
Yeah, thank God, 'cause my nipples were killing me.

Phil Berquist:
I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I'm developing some kind of rash!

Bonnie Rayburn:
I need him to treat me right, and he needed to empty my bank account!

Ed Furillo:
We're doing great, guys! We're driving them!

Phil Berquist:
Ah, that's perfect! We're lost but we're making good time!

Phil:
Nancy! What are you doing here?

Nancy:
I'm late. I missed my period.

Phil:
What?

Nancy:
I was at work and on my break and I took one of those home pregnancy tests from Aisle 11.

Phil:
The ones that are on special?

Nancy:
Yes, and it came up blue!

Arlene:
Why is she telling you this, Phil?

Phil:
Because... because I'm her boss! And... we have a health plan!

Arlene:
You son of a b*tch, you had a thing with this little girl in my father's store?

Phil:
No...no!

Nancy:
It was in his car! And I'm not a little girl, I'm 20.

Phil:
Oh, Jesus.

Arlene:
Get out of this house, you little whore!

Phil:
Hey! I will not permit you to talk to her that way.

Arlene:
Fine. I'll tell my father what you did!

Phil:
No, do not call Mr Levine! Hey! Put down that phone...

[struggles to take the phone from her}

Arlene:
You're crazy!

Phil:
That's right - not having sex for 12 years will do that to a person!

[phone jack is torn from the wall]

Mitch:
My phone!

Arlene:
[leaving the room] I'll call from the bedroom.

Phil:
The bedroom? How the hell would you know where the bedroom is?

Arlene:
[from the other room] I'm calling...

Phil:
Go ahead, call him, I'm sure he's home! It's his night to meet with the other escaped Nazis, isn't it?

Arlene:
I hate you!

Phil:
I hate you more! If hate were people, I'd be China!

Mitch:
[awkward pause] Let's bring out the cake! [to Nancy] Want some?

Barbara:
Go ahead, go with Phil and Ed. Find your smile.

Mitch:
What if I can't?

Barbara:
[sighs] We'll jump off that bridge when we get to it.

Mitch:
I wish you hadn't worn this jacket.

Ed:
What's wrong with it?

Mitch:
Well, look at it; it's got your name and your picture on it. It's a little grotesque.

Ed:
I'm proud of what I do.

Phil:
So is the President; he doesn't wear his picture on his suit.

Ben Jessup:
Hi.

Mitch:
[shakes Ben's hand] Hi, Mitch Robbins.

Ed:
I'm Ed Furillo; I sell sporting goods.

Mitch:
Show him your jacket.

Phil:
I'm Phil Berquist. I committed adultery; lost my job and my family.

Mitch:
His jacket's being made.

Mitch:
[to Phil] Feel like a schmuck?

Phil:
Oh yeah, big schmuck; a big one!

Ed:
This guy, Curly, is a true cowboy. One of the last real men. He's untamed. A mustang. We're trained ponies. It'll do us good to be in his world for a while.

[Curly is approaching them from behind Mitch]

Mitch:
Do us good? Didn't you guys see? He was hanging the help! Did you see his eyes? He's got crazy eyes. He's a lunatic! I am telling you, we are going into the wilderness being led by a lunatic!

[Mitch notices everyone's terrified faces as Curly is standing directly behind him]

Mitch:
He's behind me, isn't he?

[Everyone nods]

Curly:
Time to turn in.

Everyone, in unison:
Goodnight!

[Mitch turns slowly to face Curly]

Mitch:
[frightened] I'm sorry; I didn't mean anything by it!

Curly:
I crap bigger than you.

[Curly turns and walks away]

Mitch:
He's gonna kill me.

Mitch:
So, what was your best day, Phil?

Phil:
Believe it or not, my wedding day.

Ed:
You're kidding!

Phil:
No, seriously! Arlene looked great; those water pills really helped. I looked out and saw my old man sitting there, and he winked at me. It was like, I've made it. I'm not a goofball anymore.

Mitch:
What was your worst day?

Phil:
Every day since is a tie.

Mitch:
Alright Ed, your best day, what was it? Twins in a trapeze, what?

Ed:
No, I don't wanna play.

Mitch:
C'mon, we did it.

Ed:
I don't feel like it.

Mitch:
Uh, okay.

[Ed pauses, then begins to speak]

Ed:
I'm fourteen and my mother and father are fighting again. Y'know, because she caught him again. Caught him; this time the girl drove by the house to pick him up. And I finally realized, he wasn't just cheating on my mother, he was cheating us. So I told him; I said, "You're bad to us. We don't love you. I'll take care of my mother and my sister. We don't need you any more." And he made like he was gonna hit me, but I didn't budge. And he turned around and he left. He never bothered us again. Well, I took care of my mother and my sister from that day on. That's my best day.

Phil:
What was your worst day?

Ed:
[brief pause] Same day.

[Mitch and Ed are watching Bonnie ride by on a horse; Ed is leering at her buttocks]

Ed:
Man, that saddle sure is having a lot of fun.

Mitch:
You have like a half track mind, don't you?

Ed:
Oh, come on. Are you telling me you wouldn't like to screw her brains out?

Mitch:
You know, that's such a lovely image - "screw her brains out." It ranks right up there with that other classic: "bang the crap out of her."

[Mitch, Ed, Phil and Bonnie are sitting on bedrolls discussing which is more interesting, women discussing relationships or men discussing baseball]

Ed:
That's easy; we win.

Bonnie:
[laughs incredulously] How can you say that?

Ed:
Because honey, if that stuff were half as interesting as baseball, they'd have cards for it and sell it with gum.

Curly:
Pay attention, girls; we got strays!

Mitch:
Hi Curly. Killed anybody today?

Curly:
[smiling] Day ain't over yet.

[Mitch is alone by a campfire with Curly. After several moments of tense conversation, Mitch has produced a harmonica and is playing Drifting Along (With the Tumbling Tumbleweeds).]

Curly:
Put that away.

[Mitch stops momentarily, then resumes playing.]

Curly:
I said, put that away!

Mitch:
Hey you know, the first time I tried to talk to you, you embarrassed me. So I teased you a little bit which maybe I shouldn't have done, so I'm sorry. And now you're sitting over there playing with your knife, trying to frighten me; which you're doing a good job... But if you're gonna kill me, get on with it; if not, shut the hell up; I'm on vacation.

Curly:
Do you know what the secret of life is? [points index finger skyward] This.

Mitch:
Your finger?

Curly:
One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and the rest don't mean sh*t.

Mitch:
But, what is the "one thing?"

Curly:
[smiles and points his finger at Mitch] That's what you have to find out.

[Curly has died of a heart attack. The remaining party has buried him in a shallow grave and is holding an impromptu memorial service]

Mitch:
What can we say about Curly...

T.R.:
Cookie, you knew him best; why don't you say somethin'?

Cookie:
Lord, we give you Curly. Try not to piss him off. [the rest of the group balks] Well, what else do you want me to say? I got chicken burnin'!

Mitch:
I'm gonna be okay, because I finally know what he was talking about.

Ed:
Who?

Mitch:
Curly. I know what he meant when he said there's just one thing that's really important.

Ed:
So what is it?

Mitch:
That's what you have to figure out.

Ed:
[laughing] I'm gonna deck you, pal!

Mitch:
No, that's it; it's something different for everyone. For me, when I was in that river, I was only thinking about one thing. The rest of it just all went away.

[Mitch's family has picked him up at the airport; he is hugging his children as Barbara walks up]

Mitch:
Hey, look what I found! [points to his mouth and smiles broadly]

Barbara:
Ooh, that looks nice. Where did you find that?

Mitch:
[feigning exasperation] Colorado! Isn't it always in the last place you look?

Mitch Robbins:
I'm 39, and I'm saying "Moo, cow!" in a river!

Mitch Robbins:
Let's bring out the cake!

Ed Furillo:
No, that was "I like your ass; can I wear it as a hat?".

Ed Furillo:
TRUSTED us? They don't even KNOW us! They followed us because we yelled "yah!".

Ed Furillo:
Charge all this to my Visa [spits out chewing tobacco and it lands on a denim shirt for sale] and that as well.

Phil Berquist:
Now let's have some peace and quiet around here, for Christ's sakes! I'm tired! I been under a lot of stress! I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I got some sort of rash from making in the bushes!

Phil Berquist:
[at Curly's impromptu funeral] The man ate bacon at every meal... you just can't do that!

Curly:
You're spookin' the cattle.

Curly:
She a redhead? I like redheads.

Curly:
City folk.