Constantine

John Constantine:
Angels and Demons can't cross over into our plane. So, instead we get what I call half-breeds. The influence peddlers. They can only whisper in our ears. A single word can give you courage, or turn your favorite pleasure into your worst nightmare. Those with the demon's touch and those part angel, living alongside us. They call it the balance. I call it hypocritical bullshit.

John Constantine:
So when a half-breed breaks the rules, I deport their sorry asses straight back to hell. I don't get them all, but I've been hoping to get enough to ensure my... retirement.

Angela Dodson:
I don't understand.

John Constantine:
I'm a suicide, Angela. When I die, the rules say I've got just one place to go...

Angela Dodson:
You're trying to buy your way into heaven.

John Constantine:
What would YOU do if you were sentenced to a prison where half the inmates where put there by you?

Satan:
You're the one soul I would come up here to collect myself.

John Constantine:
So I've heard.

Angela Dodson:
How long?

John Constantine:
As long as it takes.

Angela Dodson:
I always denied I could see.

Angela Dodson:
When my sister and I were little, we'd leave messages with windows and breath.

John Constantine:
I need you to leave...

Angela Dodson:
Okay.

John Constantine:
...the apartment.

John Constantine:
This part always sucks.

Angela Dodson:
I guess God has a plan for all of us.

John Constantine:
God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything.

John Constantine:
So, who killed your sister?

Angela Dodson:
She jumped off the the roof of a hospital.

John Constantine:
I thought you said someone killed her?

Angela Dodson:
Isabel would never do that, someone pushed her to it.

John Constantine:
Of course, why would a mental patient kill herself? That's just crazy.

Balthazar:
Word is that you're going down. Fresh meat for the grinder.

Balthazar:
Finger lickin' good.

Angela Dodson:
Hold the elevator, you going down?

John Constantine:
Not if I can help it.

Angela Dodson:
You tried to kill yourself.

John Constantine:
I didn't *try* anything.

Dr. Leslie Archer:
You need to make arrangements.

John Constantine:
No need. I already know where I'm going.

John Constantine:
Welcome to my life.

John Constantine:
What if I told you that God and the devil made a wager, a kind of standing bet for the souls of all mankind?

Angela Dodson:
I'd tell you to stay on your meds.

John Constantine:
Heaven and hell are right here, behind every wall, every window, the world behind the world. And we're smack in the middle.

John Constantine:
You don't need His protection. It'll be just like the old days.

Chas Chandler:
This is Kramer. Chas Kramer. A**hole.

John Constantine:
Not bad, apprentice.

Chas Chandler:
Not like in the movies, huh?

Chas Chandler:
Why would you do that when you know this isn't my car, John?

John Constantine:
I told you to move the car.

Chas Chandler:
Yeah, but if you'd told me you were going to toss a three-hundred pound mirror with a pissed-off demon, I would have moved it further!

Gabriel:
You're going to die young because you smoked 30 cigarettes a day since you were 15... and you're going to go to hell because of the life you took.

Gabriel:
You're f***ed.

Chas Chandler:
The name's Chas Chandler, a**hole.

John Constantine:
What if I told you that God and the Devil made a wager? A bet for the remaining souls on Earth?

Angela Dodson:
I'd tell you to stay on your meds.

John Constantine:
Humor me. No direct contact with Humans. That would be the rule. Just influence.

Chaz Kramer:
When am I going to stop being your slave, John?

John Constantine:
You're not my slave, Chaz, you're my much appreciated apprentice, just like Tonto, or Robin, or that skinny fellow with the fat friend.

Angela Dodson:
[asking Constantine to hold elevator] Hold the door, you're going down.

John Constantine:
Not if I can help it.

Angela Dodson:
I don't believe in the Devil.

John Constantine:
You should. He believes in you.

Angela Dodson:
My sister was murdered last night.

John Constantine:
Sorry to hear.

Angela Dodson:
Thanks. She jumped off the the roof of a building.

John Constantine:
I thought you said she was murdered.

Angela Dodson:
Yeah, well, Isabel wouldn't have taken her own life.

John Constantine:
Of course. What kind of mental patient kills herself? That's just crazy.

Angela Dodson:
[Angela is about to transport into Hell via bathtub and has taken off her jacket] So, is this good, or do I have to take off the rest of my clothes?

[Pause]

Angela Dodson:
John?

John Constantine:
[Smiles slightly] I'm thinking.

John Constantine:
I need you to leave.

Angela Dodson:
Okay. [heads for her room]

John Constantine:
The apartment.

[He waits for her to leave and looks down at the cat]

John Constantine:
God, I hate this part.

Balthazar:
What are you doing?

John Constantine:
I'm reading you your last rites.

Balthazar:
Spare me your remedial incantations.

John Constantine:
You do know what it is to truly be forgiven? To be welcomed into the Kingdom of God. Demon in heaven, I'd love to be a fly on that wall.

Balthazar:
You're not a priest. You have no power.

John Constantine:
Just tell me how Mammon is crossing over and you can go back to your sh*t hole. Okay, Bally, enjoy it. [Balthazar relents]

[After Balthazar gives him the information]

John Constantine:
By the way … you have to ask for absolution to be forgiven … a**hole.

John Constantine:
[To a room full of demons] Hi. My name's John. You are in violation of the Balance. Leave immediately or I will deport you. All of you. [no reaction]

John Constantine:
[John stands on a chair] Go to Hell.

Ellie:
[Chaz Kramer had already put the Holy Cross into the water tank. John pulls the fire-detector, holy water sprinkles down] Holy water?

[The demons' flesh burns and they scream in agony]

Midnite:
[As he is strapping John into the electric chair] Tell me this isn't about a girl?

John Constantine:
Definitely... mostly not about the girl.

Midnite:
[While John is strapped in the electric chair] You sure about this?

John Constantine:
No.

[Midnite electrocutes him, John screams]

Gabriel:
[Gabriel sits on top of John Constantine, explaining her rebellion] You're handed this precious gift, right? Each one of you granted redemption from the Creator – murderers, rapists, molesters – all of you just have to repent, and God takes you into His bosom. In all the worlds and all the universe, no other creature can make such a boast, save man. It's not fair.

[Gabriel leans closer to Constantine's face]

Gabriel:
If sweet, sweet God loves you so, then I will make you worthy of His love. But it's only in the face of horror that you truly find your nobler selves – and you can be so noble. So … I will bring you pain. I will bring you horror.

[Gabriel lifts up Constantine from his collar]

Gabriel:
So that you may rise above it. So that those of you who will survive this reign of hell on earth will be worthy of God's love.

John Constantine:
Gabriel... you're insane.

Gabriel:
[smiles] The road to salvation begins tonight. Right now.

[Gabriel blows gently, sending Constantine crashing to the door]

Lucifer:
Sonny, I've got a whole theme park full of red delights for you.

John Constantine:
Aren't you a peach.

John Constantine:
How's the family?

Lucifer:
Family's doing just fine. Busy, busy, busy, busy. Need a vacation.

John Constantine:
[Regarding Lucifer's son] He's in the other room.

Lucifer:
Boys will be boys.

John Constantine:
With Gabriel.

Lucifer:
[disgusted] Huh? No accounting for taste, really.

John Constantine:
They have the Spear of Destiny.

Lucifer:
[mocking, mimicking] "They have the Spear of Destiny." [becomes serious, leans in] Or is it another one of your cons?

Gabriel:
[In shock] Lucifer?

Lucifer:
This world is mine, in time. You, best of all of us, Gabriel, should understand ambition.

Gabriel:
Son of perdition! Little Horn! Most unclean!

Lucifer:
[Giggles childishly, nostalgic] I do miss the old names. [to Mammon] Time to go home, son.

Gabriel:
I shall smite thee, in His honour.

[Gabriel attempts to punch Lucifer, but is unable. Lucifer looks around and smiles.]

Lucifer:
Looks like someone doesn't have your back anymore.

John Constantine:
[hears Gabriel cough and stand up in the pool]: "Human? You don't deserve to be human."

Gabriel:
You want revenge? Is that what you're thinking right now? Do it, end my life. [holding a shotgun against his chest] Be the hand of God. It is your choice, it was always your choice."

John Constantine:
[takes the gun and punches Gabriel; a beat, then Gabriel grimaces sharply as he feels pain for the first time as a mortal] That's called "pain". Get used to it.

[Constantine walks out]

Gabriel:
[shouting after Constantine] You could have shot me, John! You chose a higher path! Look how well you're doing!

John Constantine:
[voice over] I guess there's a plan for all of us. I had to die - twice - just to figure that out. Like the book says, He works in mysterious ways. Some people like it... some people don't.

John Constantine:
[Flips off demon] For your boss.

John Constantine:
[Whispering into the ear of a possessed girl] This is Constantine. John Constantine, a**hole.

John Constantine:
[Speaking to God] I know I'm not one of Your favorites, and I'm not welcome in Your house, but I could use a little attention, please.

John Constantine:
[As Midnite holds him up against a wall] Is this neutral? Bullshit! You're the only one playing by the rules, Midnite. And while you've been imitating Switzerland, people are dying. [Midnite lets him slump to the ground] Two hundred dollar shirt, by the way.

John Constantine:
[After punching Gabriel in the face] That's called pain. Get used to it.

Lucifer:
Hello, John. Jooohn, hello.

Lucifer:
[About John cutting his wrists] I didn't think you would make the same mistake twice. And you didn't, did you?

Lucifer:
[After Constantine slits his wrists and then tries to light up a cigarette] You know, when you cut too deep, you cut the tendons. Finger movement goes out the window.

Lucifer:
So what do you want? An extension?

Lucifer:
This world is mine, in time. You, best of all of us, Gabriel, should understand ambition.

Lucifer:
No. You will live, John Constantine. You will live. You will have the chance to prove that your soul truly belongs in hell. Oh, you will live. You will live …

Balthazar:
[after being sprayed with Dragon's Breath] Fire? I was born of this!

Balthazar:
[as he chokes John to death] Don't fight it, Johnny boy, enjoy it.

Beeman:
[his last lines] I know you never had much faith, John, you never had much reason to. But that doesn't mean we never had any faith … in you.

Chaz Kramer:
[to midnite's knocked-out bouncer] Who's the rat in a dress now, b*tch?

Chaz Kramer:
[last words] You're right, John. It's not like in the books.

Father Hennessy:
Hey, John, I think I found you one.

Midnite:
[after learning of Constantine's cancer] I thought I heard thunder last night. Must have been Satan's stomach growling.

Midnite:
[shouts] You know the rules of my house! [normal voice] While here you will abide by them.

Midnite:
[laughing, to John, regarding Chaz] Take him, John. Kill him after.

Possessed Girl:
Papatayin natin siya.

Officially, I was dead for two minutes... but when you cross over, time stops. Take it from me, two minutes in hell is a lifetime.