2DTV

George W. Bush:
I'm wonder woman. I'll deflect bullets with my arm bands. Shoot me general.

General:
Don't tempt me Mr. President.

[it is a last supper scene with members of the Labour Party]

Prime Minister Tony Blair:
And I say after you, my loyal people, I have lead my life, you know a man peace.

John Prescott:
apart for all those wars.

Prime Minister Tony Blair:
Yeah, well obviousry. Although I am persecuted, I am confident history will show me as the saviour of mankind.

David Blunkett:
By the time Alistair Campbell's finished re-writing it.

Prime Minister Tony Blair:
Yeah alright, what I did was at the bidding of a higher authoray.

[Cut to heaven, where we see George W. Bush as God]

President George W Bush:
Hey look at me. I'm Santa Claus. HOO-HOO-HOO

Prime Minister Tony Blair:
But on this night, one of you will betray me for thirty peaces of silver.

Gordon Brown:
That's rubbish Tony. I got forty. Anyway shall we eat?

Prime Minister Tony Blair:
I have orderd five loaves of fishes, enough to feed the five thousand...

[We hear a belch, and see John Prescott with a fish bone sticking out of his mouth]

John Prescott:
Well it was a nice starter.

[clutches stomach]

John Prescott:
Feels like a second coming. Gang way!

Sven:
[about Wayne Rooney] He is young. He is learning.

General:
Schwarzenegger.

George W. Bush:
Shoreenagore.

General:
No, Schwarzenegger.

George W. Bush:
Mr. Shcwanangor.

General:
(sighs)

[Arnold Schwarzenegger enters]

General:
Mr President, Governer Schwarzenegger.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Hey, check it out [pats Bush's head] I'm patting Bush.

George W. Bush:
Mr Schwalanalananger.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Hey, now I'm stroking Bush.

[both sn*gger]

General:
May God have mercy on us all.

[it is far into the future]

Tony Blair:
Uh, so guys, any signs of the weapons of mass destruction yet?

[awkward pause]

[repeated line]

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Just a little bit of harmless fun.

George W. Bush:
My daddy started the gulf war. I continued it. And now, my son, George Junior Junior will finish it. In about forty years time.

President George W Bush:
General, call off the hunt for Bin Laden.

General:
I thought we already had.

President George W Bush:
I'm going to find him myself [ducks under his desk and reveales his Incredible outfit] with my incredible super hero powers, look i'm invisable where have I gone HEE! HEE!

General:
Sir, I think you need help.

President George W Bush:
You're right, meet Mr. Incredible

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Uhh... This costume is so incredibly tight! You can see my rinckle.

President George W Bush:
No we can't!

Prime Minister Tony Blair:
Ahh ha... And I'm you know Elastar Blair, I'll bend over backwards for you George [bends backwards and breaks his back] Ahh... me back!

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
No I think it's... I'll be back!

President George W Bush:
So 1 [points to himself] , 2 [points to Arnie] and 3 [points to Blair] , we just need a fourth.

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Yeah the speedy one!

Osama Bin Laden:
[Digs into the White house] BWAHA! [pauses] Hang on, this isn't Hawaii [realises he's in the White house and screams and then runs]

President George W Bush:
Hey he's fast lets use him!

[in the future, Arnie is president]

General:
How do you take your coffee sir?

Arnold Schwarzenegger:
Milk and two steroids.

[Tony Blair is playing "Tony Says" with the Cabinet]

Tony Blair:
Oh, I'm bored of this game. I'm resigning, take over Gordon!

Gordon Brown:
Oh, right, absolutely!

[to Cabinet]

Gordon Brown:
Look here...

Tony Blair:
I didn't say "Tony says" Gordon.

Gordon Brown:
Oh...

[cries]

Simon Cowell:
You want the truth, you have all the charisma of a three eye worm.

Three eyed worm:
Thankyou.

Simon Cowell:
Next! [R2-D2 Comes on stage] Hold it that tune is going apsolutly no where

R2-D2:
[subtitles] But I haven't started yet!

Simon Cowell:
Next!

Dalek:
[singing] Away up the stairs there's a place I can reach.

Nicki Chapman:
I found it nice and you looked nice and everything was just nice.

Dalek:
Thankyou Nicki!

Tom Baker:
I hated it, but then I am your swan enemy

Simon Cowell:
I have just 4 words to say to you. EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

Alien:
[Dalek starts crying] Oh come on mate, I thought you were great I thought they were very harsh like.

Alien:
HA! HA! What a stupid great forehead you have!

Pete Waterman:
My money's on the young lad from the planet earth.

Will Young:
[singing] You never walk Alone!

Gollum:
[Gollum wakes up after celebrating Lord of the rings had won the oscars] Oh Sm?agol head is hurting. Bad Sm?agol drank to much at oscar's party. NO! What Sm?agol get up to last night [screams as he discovers Michael Jackson is in his bed]

Michael Jackson:
OW! You're bad!

Gollum:
Hidease creature in Sm?agol beds. No Sm?agol never drink vodka cherry again. NO!

Announcer:
Michael Jackson's parenting tips #43.

Michael Jackson:
It's important to encourage your children to take their first steps.

Michael Jackson:
[cuts to a scene with Jackson hanging over a balcony, reaching out for something] Come to Daddy, Prince Michael the Second.

Prince Michael the Second:
Whoo, help

Michael Jackson:
I don't see any moonwalking [Baby starts to moonwalk towards Jackson] That's my boy, and I've got the receipt to prove it! OW!

Anthony McPartlin:
Oh look out, here comes Jordan!

Declan Donnelly:
Hey, the rest of her should be with us in half an hour.

Katie Jordan:
Oye! That's not fair

Anthony McPartlin:
[In the year 2050 A.D] Oh look out... Here comes Jordan!

Declan Donnelly:
I, the rest of her should be with us in half an hour.

Katie Jordan:
Yeah... That is fair actually.

Announcer:
The ITV news at 10 with Ant and Dec.

Anthony McPartlin:
ITV denies accusations of dumbing down.

Anthony McPartlin:
Bongo-roony!

Anthony McPartlin:
Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh?

Declan Donnelly:
[Dec slaps Ant on the head] Slapa-rooney!

Anthony McPartlin:
And former news caster evicted by phone vote.

Trevor McDonald:
[Trevor McDonald is in an alleyway] News just in, I'm hungary and homeless!

Declan Donnelly:
Tramper-rooney!

Anthony McPartlin:
And now the weather.

Declan Donnelly:
And now the weather.

Si?n Lloyd:
Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales, goodnight.