Eight Crazy Nights

Davey Stone:
Smell ya later, Poopsicle!

Davey Stone:
Hey, Jelly Jugs, next time you're on my court, you better wear a bra, okay?

Whitey:
Don't worry son, I think you have very nice b*obs.

Eleanor Duvall:
Holy sh*t, did the mall just say something?

Benjamin:
Eat that nutstrap, BIACH!

Jennifer:
Benjamin?

Jennifer:
Thanks for sharing the Holiday spirit, psycho.

Eleanor Duvall:
They were giving out free lobster bibs in the bathroom.

Whitey:
That's not a lobster bib Eleanore its a germ protector for your tushey.

Whitey:
That's a technical foul!

Davey Stone:
Can I walk around with my morning erection?

Whitey:
If you want an automatic ejection... cuz that's a technical foul!

Eleanor Duvall:
But I'd like to see it anyway!... Just kidding!

Chinese Waiter:
Ha! I love it! Now you go to jail and marry big smelly man!

Eleanore:
All you people can bite my germ-free booty!

Whitey:
Your honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment.

Chinese Waiter:
What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet and have I gone crazy?

Eleanor Duvall:
It's a home invasion! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!

Whitey:
It's okay Eleanore! It's okay!

Eleanor Duvall:
Whitey, thank god you're here! We're being robbed by a lunatic! Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes? They're soaking the carpet.

Whitey:
Eleanore, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.

Whitey:
The criminal? Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?

Whitey:
His home just went up in flames. So I invited him to stay with us for a while.

Eleanor Duvall:
All right. But I'm taking an inventory of everything alive and accounted in this house.

Eleanor Duvall:
Look, he already stole something! He's hiding it in his jacket.

Whitey:
He's just kidding, son. You have very nice b*obs.

Mayor:
Whitey, for the first time your partner Davey Stone did something good for this community.

Eleanore:
What'd he do? Steal beer for everyone?

Davey:
Make some long distance calls?

Eleanore:
You'll get a kick in the balls!

Davey:
I can't believe I haven't killed myself / Here with Wigs McGee and a furry elf / She's neurotic and he's a troll / How did I get stuck in this shithole? / Guess I'll have to deal with your demands / But please don't touch me with your alien hands.

Chinese Waiter:
Congratulations! Now please excuse me while I go take shower!

Eleanor Duvall:
Whitey, where were you? You're an hour and 51 minutes late. I already called the Morgue. They said you weren't there but to try back later.

Davey Stone:
Easy seizure boy!

Whitey:
This is the happiest seizure of my life!

Whitey:
Wow!What a neat Etch-a-Sketch.

Davey Stone:
It's a Gameboy you idiot!

Whitey:
My hand is in your mouth kitty but I don't feel any teeth.

Davey Stone:
I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand?

Tom Baltezor:
Yes.

Whitey:
Shaving the chest hairs.

Eleanore:
Nobody likes a unibrow.

Eleanor Duvall:
Hey, look! He already stole something!

Whitey:
It's a letter from my parents.

Eleanor Duvall:
Well why don't you go live them?

Whitey:
They died.

Eleanor Duvall:
My bad.

Davey Stone:
How did you get so good on the ice, anyway?

Whitey:
In the '50s I refed youth hockey for a couple of seasons.

Eleanor Duvall:
Until a hockey puck struck him in the back of the head.

Whitey:
Nothin' a metal plate couldn't fix.

Eleanor Duvall:
You were in a coma for three months.

Whitey:
I needed the rest, anyway!

Mr. Chang:
4 scorpion bowls in 5 minutes? That's got to be a restaurant record.

Davey:
Well, right now, I'm gonna go for another restaurant record: Longest burp.

[Davey does a loud, long burp as everybody stares at him]

Mr. Chang:
[sarcastically] Congratulations! Now, please excuse me while I go take shower.

Narrator:
It ain't a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. Kind of makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it?

Whitey:
You're not welcome in my house.

Davey:
Good! Your house sucks!

Eleanor:
[thinks Davey is holding their house up] Mister, if you're gonna kill us, will you take off your wet shoes? You're soaking the carpet.

Davey Stone:
(to Whitey, after his trailer has been destroyed) I should stick you on a twig and roast you!

Davey Stone:
(Davey comes over to see a disgusting sight: Whitey’s butt cheeks are covered with white, furry hair as Whitey puts a jock strap on) Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see two Persian cats on your ass? I think I’m gonna (burping) BAAARF!

Davey Stone:
JENNIFER! JENNIFER! What's the matter with the way I live my life?! Huh, Jennifer?! Where are you?! At home, reading your baby boy a bedtime story, while he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket?! AW, HORSESHIT!!

Davey Stone:
(opening a flask) Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. (he takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far) {the people viewing just shake their heads} I’d hit a three-pointer, except I’d have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

Davey Stone:
Foul on this kid, for eating everything in sight. Jelly-jugs, the next time you come onto my court, you better wear a bra, okay?

Whitey Duval:
Technical foul! Technical foul!

Whitey Duval:
What other options do you got, Rockefeller?!