3 Ninjas

Fester:
Marcus, score us some nacho chips and some radical salsa.

Marcus:
Dude!

Fester:
None of that green stuff.

Marcus:
Radical!

Hammer:
Dude!

Fester:
[aiming gun at clerk] Open up the cash register. That's right, dude, us three bone heads are sticking you up. Open up that register before I have to get nasty. [Pager goes off] Excuse me, sir, could I please use your telephone?

[Grandpa is giving the boys names]

Tum Tum:
Can I be Monster Destroyer? Or how about Super Killer?

Colt:
How about Super Dork?

Fester:
Hey dude, what time does school get out?

Hammer:
I don't know. I never stayed to the end.

Fester:
This kidnapping is so much better than armed robbery.

Hammer:
Yeah I never got a pizza on a robbery.

Fester:
Okay, none of you little dudes move until those two dudes get back!

Rocky:
We should run.

Tum Tum:
We should hide.

Colt:
We should kick their butts!

Colt:
I'm Colt because I'm fast, he's Rocky because he's solid and he's Tum-Tum because he'll eat anything.

Tum Tum:
I won't eat dog poop.

Fester:
Okay, Marcia Brady or Laurie Partridge?

Hammer:
Rather do Laurie.

Fester:
Cool. Okay, Cheryl Ladd or Farrah Fawcett?

Hammer:
Tanya Roberts, dude.

Fester:
Alright. Operation: Kick Butt is about to commence. Synchronize watches.

Hammer:
What time is it?

Fester:
I dunno, anybody got a watch?

Fester:
Okay little dude, we know you're in here somewhere. We don't wanna hurt you, we just wanna kidnap you.

Fester:
I say we kill those little boogers!

Hammer:
But like, I thought we wanted them alive.

Fester:
I want *us* alive, dude!

Grandpa:
Remember, never fight unless you're sure you can win.

Hugo Snyder:
God, I love being a bad guy.

Grandpa:
I hate pizza.

Fester:
Seems that providence has shined her light upon us boys. It's pizza time.

Grandpa:
Two lessons you have to learn from this battle. Lesson 1, never attack unless you're gonna win?

Colt:
And lesson two?

Grandpa:
Don't climb a tree that's full of thorns. Uh!

Colt:
Oh no, robbers!

Hammer:
Robbers? I thought we were kidnappers.

Fester:
Where are those little boogers? If I was a little booger, where would I be? Mom and Dad's room!

Hugo Snyder:
Am I a nice guy or what?

Colt:
You're a geek.

Fester:
We got those little dudes now, Dudes.

Rocky:
Grandpa is a Ninja. He will come.

Tum Tum:
I don't care who he is as long as he brings us something to eat.

Rocky:
Hey, what's the matter with us? Remember what Grandpa taught us? Everything around us can be our friend. Be friendly to your environment.

Colt:
Oh sure, Rocky, we gonna go make the friendly door open?

Brown:
Festin, don't screw this up or we'll have to kill ya.

Fester:
Bummer.

Tum Tum:
We almost had you!

Grandpa:
Had me? Oh Michael.

Tum Tum:
What?

Grandpa:
If I hadn't have stopped the car, you would've been called 'Pancake' by now.

Jessica Douglas:
If you think being a Ninja's hard work, try being a mom.

Store Owner:
Hey amigos, this is no Library you buy or you go.

Grandpa:
Colt, what is a ninja?

Colt:
A ninja is one who can use everything around him to trick his enemies. He and fast and he is friendly to his environment.

Rocky:
A ninja is honest and good. His mind, body and spirit are one. He has self-control. He has discipline.

Tum Tum:
A ninja loves nature, uh, 'cause he is part of nature. A ninja never fights a battle if he cannot win.

Babysitter:
Who is it?

Fester:
Pizza, ma'am.

Babysitter:
We didn't order any pizza!

Fester:
Uh, some kids called. Yeah, and if you don't pay, we'll, uh, we'll T.P. your house.

The Dudes:
[shove pizza in Babysitter's face] Surprise!

Fester:
First we feast. Then we Felony!

Tum Tum, Colt:
Ro-cky LOVES Em-il-y!

Hugo Snyder:
They're just kids. KIDS! I want them found NOW! Or I'll tear out your liver!

Fester:
[while eating the pizza they stole] Y'know, we should save some of this for the kids we're nabbing.

Hammer:
They're probably pretty nice kids.

Colt:
[scene cuts] Where are all the weapons? The sling-shot, the knife throwers?

Fester:
Well, my dangerous buds, tomorrow is another day. And those little dudes are ours. Slurpee?

Hammer:
Radical!

Fester:
Slurpee?

Marcus:
Dude!

Fester:
We're outta here.

Tum Tum:
[Emily nearly drinks a spiked soda] No, no, no, that's diarrhea.

Grandpa:
Alright, Samuel!

Rocky:
Sir!

Grandpa:
From this day forth until forever, you will be known as Rocky. Because you are strong, solid, and cool as granite rock!

Rocky:
[Receives mask] Awesome! Yeah!

Grandpa:
Ahh, Jeffrey. Fast and free, spirit of the young wild horse; you shall be known as Colt!

Colt:
Colt? That's cool.

Tum Tum:
What about me? Can I be Monster Destroyer? Or how about Super Killer?

Colt:
How about Super Dork?

Tum Tum:
Shut up, spazz!

Grandpa:
Ah, little one. Since your energy begins and ends with your tummy; you shall be known as Tum Tum!

Tum Tum:
Tum Tum! [Both Tum Tum and Grandpa laugh]

Colt:
I can't wait 'till we show these to dad!

Rocky:
He'll hate 'em.

Colt:
Hold it! Before Phase 2, I got a little surprise! takes out a bottle of Lax-Go laxative

Tum Tum:
What's that stuff?

Colt:
Takes cap off bottle: Remember last year when you were sick and couldn't take a dump for 3 days?

Tum Tum:
Yeah...

Colt:
This is the stuff that makes you have to go.

Colt:
Instant diarrhea.

Tum Tum:
You're sick.

Colt:
Not as sick as they're gonna be. stirs spiked Coke with his finger.