Haggard: The Movie

Officer:
I gotta take you in.

Valo:
Aww, for the love of f***s sake, you CAN'T take him in.

Officer:
I gotta make an arrest here; I had a complaint...

Valo:
Whwhwhwh, wait, I got this sports watch, you can have it, here.

Falcone:
These... are girlfriend's... underwears.

Officer:
Hellboy?

Ryan Dunn:
Picture a guy named Hellboy... and that's what he looks like.

Hellyboy:
What the f*** is that? Do I have a camera?

Ryan Dunn:
That's a nice tattoo you got there. What does that mean?

Girl at Coffee Shop:
It means desire.

Ryan Dunn:
Desire huh? What the f*** does that mean? Does that mean you're into dudes with f***in' long hair, smell like beer, have shitty tattoos; maybe they hang out at the bowling alley! Maybe, just maybe you'll go out back and rub their sick crotch; he'll stick his hands down your pants. Meanwhile, your boyfriend's sittin' at home jerkin off to f***in' gay porn.

Glauren:
Hellboy f***ing fingered me.

Glauren:
Teenagers were meant to f***.

Valo:
Did she just say "teenagers were meant to f***"?

Don Vito:
No, what are you doin'? Those grapes ain't for you.

Falcone:
What are you guys doing, humping on the caboose?

Glauren:
Actually, it's rhino. Ya' know, because I'm a Leo and...

Ryan Dunn:
Yeah, rhino, real cool.

Valo:
Some girl stabbed Ryan in the eye, now he's gotta rock a pirate-patch for at least a month.

Falcone:
So how's school going?

Raab:
Eh it's not that bad, I'm getting 3 D's and an F but at least I'm passing.

Valo:
Don't touch me, or I'll seriously kill your face, it's so hardcore.

Valo:
Tell him how Hellboy's in for it.

Falcone:
You know Hellboy? He's in for it.

Valo:
No, I think Hellboy ripped Glauren a new a**hole.

Dooly:
Bro, why weren't you at the rager last night?

Valo:
What rager? Maybe 'cause you didn't call me up and invite me.

Dooly:
Watch your mouth, sweetheart.

Valo:
Yo, what was it like though, bein' in jail for the first time? Was it good?

Valo:
Did you meet any new friends?

Valo:
Let me guess: some sort of experiment?

Falcone:
Spearmint? I'd rather Wintergreen. What are you talkin' about?

Valo:
The TV. It's sideways.

Falcone:
Why wouldn't it be sideways? I have to watch it with my neck straight, so I'm comfortable. Otherwise I'd have a taco neck, ya know?

Valo:
Did you take acid?

Falcone:
...yea.

Falcone:
I will tell you everything, I'll let you know. You'll be so much smarter. Girls are like... a lake, you know? Like, you can jump right in, get in there, and then you're all used to it and everything's great. But come winter time

Falcone:
that sh*t's f***in' frozen. Then you're f***ed. That's why I know the difference: I always pull out of it.

Valo:
What are you talking about? This food is making you crazy.

Valo:
What the f*** is wrong with all my friends?

Falcone:
Later on do you wanna go to to the bakery? I can almost taste it with my nose. Ever feel that way?