Igby Goes Down

Igby:
I'm drowning in a**holes.

Sookie:
What kind of name is 'Igby'?

Igby:
The kind of name that someone named 'Sookie' is in no position to question.

Igby:
Good things come to obsessive-compulsives who fixate.

D.H. Banes:
I believe, umm, that certain people in life are meant to fall by the wayside; to serve as warnings to the rest of us; signs posts along the way.

Igby:
To where?

D.H. Banes:
Success.

Oliver:
Our father would be a 'slippery when schizophrenic' sign, for instance...

Oliver:
... along the highway of life.

Igby:
She's a dancer who doesn't dance. He's a painter who doesn't paint. It's like the Boho version of the Island of Misfit Toys.

Igby:
Oliver is majoring in neo-fascism at Colombia.

Oliver:
Economics.

Igby:
Semantics.

Igby:
How many Vassar professors and intellectual theologians beget nymphomaniacal, pseudo-Bohemian JAPs?

Sookie:
I am not a JAP.

Russell:
Anne Frank. Ken Frank. The soldiers are gone. Come out and play.

Russell:
He left you a ticket.

Igby:
Excellent.

Russell:
It's nonrefundable. He wanted me to tell you that.

Igby:
Dick.

Igby:
It's ironic that the first time in my life that I feel remotely affectionate for her, is when she's dead.

Oliver:
You beat up her corpse.

Igby:
I know, but after that.

Sookie:
You call your mother "Mimi"?

Igby:
"Heinous One" is a bit cumbersome.

Igby:
And Medea was taken.

D.H. Banes:
Mimi. GET OFF THE MAID.

Igby:
If heaven is such a wonderful place then how come being crucified is such a big f***ing sacrifice?

Rachel:
How you doin'?

Igby:
Good.

D.H. Banes:
Igby, Igby... how you doin'? Well. You're doing "well". How's the work coming along there, stud?

Igby:
Uh... well?

Bunny:
Igby, I could just eat you with a spoon.

Igby:
Don't.

Sookie:
You have a huge crush on me, don't you?

Igby:
F*** off.

Sookie:
Why aren't you in school now?

Igby:
Sheer ingenuity.

Sookie:
You're funny.

Sookie:
You know what I think when I'm this close to another body? I think one day at one moment... this body that I'm holding in my arms will stop breathing... stop living. Just... stop. One day you'll happen upon my name in the obits and you'll remember this moment when we were so close.

Igby:
You're a real f***in' upper.

Sookie:
He's your brother, you act like you hate him.

Igby:
I do. I do hate him. He's totally hateable. Evil niblet f***.

Sookie:
How's your brother doing these days?

Igby:
I don't have a brother, I'm an only child.

Sookie:
Oliver was your brother I thought.

Igby:
He is, and yet...

Sookie:
And yet what?

Igby:
Well I was about to say that we were both raised only children, but that sounds like something you would say.

Sookie:
That's funny.

Rachel:
So are you two in school or something?

Oliver:
I'm at Columbia and as far as this year's challenge for Igby, we're still waiting to hear back from this fun parochial school in D.C.

Igby:
"Perchance to dream."

Oliver:
He's already done the Protestant circuit. Mom must have some compromising photos of the head priest with an altar boy for them to even be considering Igby.

Igby:
I love the fact that the captain of the morality team invites his chick to the same party as his wife, who let's face it, isn't the sharpest tool in the shed anymore. And what's more, none of their supposed mutual friends protects her. None of them bats a f***ing eyelash at his hypocrisy. I love that, I really do. Embrace your moral hypocrisy, D.H., go for it.

Russell:
I told her; Lorna Luft was just too f***ing obscure. People just think you're doing a bad Liza.

Mimi:
I take it you know that D.H. is your father?

Igby:
No.

Mimi:
Then I'm really glad I told you.

Igby:
Russell. I need a job.

Sookie:
Dimebag... well that got your attention.

Igby:
Pavlov's pothead... I hear the sound of a bong clink and my eyes begin to water.

Sookie:
That's funny.

Igby:
Turtle. He was my best buddy. Then his rifle backfired and blew his face off. We all learned a valuable lesson about weapon maintenance that day.

Mimi:
Why didn't the school inform me?

Igby:
It wasn't the school's fault. They were great about it, paid for the dry cleaning and everything. Not because they had to, but because it was the right thing to do.

Jason Slocumb:
You see it, Igby? I feel this great, great pressure coming down on me. It's constantly coming down on me. It's crushing me.

Sookie:
You're a furious boy. I mean eventually you won't be a boy and it'll eat you up.

Igby:
'Furious boy'? The thought that I'm going to live my life without ever having told her to f*** off, is pretty goddamn infuriating.

Igby:
You know just because you're dying, I'm not going to apologize. Not for anything that I've ever done.

Sookie:
Do you hate my guts?

Igby:
For like a month I did. Now you're not even in my top five.

Igby:
I'm going to California. I need a f***ing sunny day.

Igby:
F***wit.

Oliver:
So we started calling him Igby whenever he lied. And he lied a lot.

Igby:
I'm scared.

Igby:
Can we go back to your mom's apartment and have sex?

Sookie:
No! You think that'll make you feel better? It won't. It'll just make you feel really empty and sad. You're better off masturbating.

Igby:
Are you a vegetarian?

Sookie:
Why would you ask that?

Igby:
I've just never seen anybody roll a joint like that.

Sookie:
What does that have to do with being a vegetarian?

Igby:
Oh, they're just so precious.

Sookie:
I roll perfect joints.

Igby:
I'm not putting them down, they're incredible.

Sookie:
Well, thank you.

Igby:
It's incredible that a human being can make such neat, little joints.

Sookie:
You make it sound as if I'm anal or something, just because I know how to roll a perfect joint.

Igby:
No, not anal. Vegetarian.

Sookie:
Well, what does that mean?

Igby:
Well, you don't roll like, big rasta spliff joints, do you? Your joints are like salad joints, not like a big, sloppy, bleeding cheeseburger-that-you-rip-into-kind-of-a-joint joint.

Sookie:
I guess marijuana isn't a visceral experience for me. Sex is for me.

Igby:
Right.

Sookie:
Ok, so I am a vegetarian, but for purely moral reasons.

Peeka:
Lucky Charms?

Igby:
What?

Peeka:
F***ing Lucky Charms!

Igby:
I don't know.

Igby:
I know a girl from Baltimore.

Igby:
Listen, I've got this discount fare and it'd be kinda hypocritical of me, ya know, you'll handle it like everything else right?

Oliver:
Right

Igby:
You should hate me

Oliver:
I don't

Igby:
You should

Oliver:
I don't hate you, don't be indulgent

Igby:
Never that

Oliver:
You're going to California?

Igby:
Yup, the sunshine state.

Oliver:
Actually, Florida is the sunshine state.

Igby:
Really, well 3000 miles from f***ing here.

Oliver:
Is there a number where we can reach you?

Igby:
We? No.

Oliver:
Well you call when there is, There really isn't that much between us is there?

Igby:
Just an ever diminishing amount of blood.

Hockey Player:
My ball, c*nt-face!