Joe Dirt

Joe Dirt:
Things are gonna happen for me, I'm Joe Dirt.

Joe Dirt:
If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Jill:
Sure will. Do you want to go back to my place?

Joe Dirt:
Sure do

Joe Dirt:
I'm a rocker through and through. Here's a list of my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Leppard...

Robby:
You all right Dirt?

Joe Dirt:
Yeah, I'm cool.

Robby:
No you're not.

Joe Dirt:
Life's a garden, dig it?

Joe Dirt:
When bad pets go bad, dang.

Zander Kelly:
So, what you're telling me, is that you're so ingrained with White Trash, that your facial hair just grows in all white trashy like that?

Joe Dirt:
So your gonna' tell me that you don't have no black cats, no roman candles, or screaming mimis?

Kicking Wing:
No.

Joe Dirt:
Oh come on man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?

Kicking Wing:
No, I don't.

Joe Dirt:
You're gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen spliters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?

Kicking Wing:
No... because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.

Joe Dirt:
Well that might be your problem, it's not what you like, it's the consumer.

Joe Dirt:
Turn it up

Joe Dirt:
Keep on, keepin' on

Joe Dirt:
What?

Joe Dirt:
You like to see homos naked?

Joe Dirt:
Oh.

Joe Dirt:
Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn't help me.

Buffalo Bob:
It puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again.

Joe Dirt:
Right on. You're Joe Meteorite and I'm Joe Dirt.

Joe Dirt:
You guys got somethin' to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mike right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both working and guess what? they don't like no feed back, what's up?

Joe Dirt:
This croc ain't no puppy.

Joe Dirt:
Now, this ain't no flapjack, so I'm gonna be real careful, I won't look.

Joe Dirt:
My name is Joe Dirte, I added an e to the end, cause it sounds cool.

Zander Kelly:
What's the story here, I'm a white trash idiot?

Joe Dirt:
And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the moon and got this weird feeling that Brandi was looking up at that same moon. Then I realized I had a home all along, in Silvertown.

Joe Dirt:
Well today I'm gonna be picking up my Hemi Roadrunner that's right I said Hemi

Jill:
Wow. A Hemi. Balls to the Wall.

Joe Dirt:
Yep, left it at a friends house

Joe Dirt:
actually it got towed away two years ago

Joe Dirt:
but I'm picking it up this afternoon. I might need a pretty little lady to sit in the front seat while I break her in. The car I mean. So what do you say.

Jill:
That's a big ten-four.

Joe Dirt:
There are three rules when dealing with a deadly crocodile. Rule number one, I'm number one. Rule number two, the croc's number two.

Little Joe Dirt:
Can I Push him off of me?

Miss Clipper:
He'll stop humping as soon as he's done

Zander Kelly:
God Almighty, from inbred heaven?, hey freak boy, 1976 called, it wants its hairstyle back.

Joe Dirt:
And you'll be sticking your head out the window and check out chic dogs saying 'what's up, baby?'

Zander Kelly:
What's the deal with your hair? You doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?

Joe Dirt:
That sh*t'll buff out.

Joe Dirt:
Luckily, my neck broke my fall.

Joe Dirt:
I got the poo on me!

Kicking Wing:
You want me to put my ear to the ground and listen for hoof beats, check for footprints, look for broken twigs? This is the modern era. That stuff doesn't work anymore.

Kicking Wing:
The label looks very stern.

Old Cajun Man:
[In a muffled back water accent] Home is where you make it.

Joe Dirt:
What?

Old Cajun Man:
Home is where you make it.

Joe Dirt:
You like to see homos naked?

Old Cajun Man:
No, no, no. Home. It's where you make it.

Joe Dirt:
Yeah, you like to see homos naked. That's cool.

Old Cajun Man:
No! Home is where you make it!

Joe Dirt:
Oh.

Old Cajun Man:
Everybody knows that. God damn, boy.

Old Cajun Man walks away.

Joe Dirt:
Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn't help me.

Bullying Man #2:
[throws Joe an apple core after he farts on it] I got a fart. You want that?

Joe Dirt:
Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass I'd take a bite.

Bullying Man #2:
You probably liked J.R., you queer. I saw your bumper sticker: "cowboys' butts drive me nuts."

Joe Dirt:
[sticks his fists up] This queer? Is this queer?

Joe Dirt:
Well, I see you got those snakes and sparklers. But where's the good stuff man?

Kicking Wing:
Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.

Joe Dirt:
Are you nuts, dude? You need stuff that'll explode. Go boom!

Kicking Wing:
Why is that good?

Joe Dirt:
Well, duh, might as, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are b*obs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick 'em in mailboxes, you drop 'em in toilets, shove 'em up bullfrogs asses.

Kicking Wing:
I would never do that, because one day I'm going to open an animal hospital.

Joe Dirt:
There you go. Someone shoves an M-80 up a bullfrog's butt, blows him to pieces...he comes back to you to fix it. You win twice, brother. It's good biz.

Joe Dirt:
Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back; making fun of poor Joe Dirt?

Zander Kelly Probably, because I'm sure that Yahweh would be chiming in too.

Joe Dirt:
I'm new in town, kinda lonely, lookin' for my parents

Joe Dirt:
You, you like to see homos naked?

Joe Dirt:
It puts the Joe Dirt in the hole.

Joe Dirt:
Say it, don't spray it brother. Dang!

Joe Dirt:
[To himself] YOU JUST SAID YOUR SISTER WAS HOT. WHAT A FREAK. You're goin' to Hell, man, but it was worth it.

Joe Dirt:
You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air?

Joe Dirt:
Why don't you go practice fallin' down, I'll be there in a minute.

Joe Dirt:
I thought I had broken my ass bone!

Joe Dirt:
[while on air balloon] I can see down your shirt!

Joe Dirt:
I'm putting the lotion on the skin!

Joe Dirt:
My face and your ass... I mean your ass and my face.

Zander Kelly:
Don't you get it? Stinky stuff is your milieu. Okay? This is your deal. You are an underachievement nexus of the universe.

Buffalo Bob:
It does what it's told.

Buffalo Bob:
It puts the lotion on its skin! You have no idea what kind of hell I can bring you!

Buffalo Bob:
oh for christ sakes, HERE! [sends AutoTrader down well]

Buffalo Bob:
IT RUBS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN.

Railroad Boy #1:
Oh - it's so flat!

Clem:
[talking to fire extinguisher] You're talking to me all wrong... It's the wrong tone. You do it again and I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that!