Josh and S.A.M.

Josh Whitney:
What can I do? I'm a wanted man with a screwed up brother.

Pizza Man:
This pizza, I make myself. My wife, she no make-a da pizza. No more!

Derek Baxter:
I knew it!

Josh Whitney:
Knew what Mr. Baxter?

Derek Baxter:
Don't call me that, Josh, call me Dad.

Derek Baxter:
There's this one thing I want to ask you Josh?, What day were you born on?

Josh Whitney:
umm...uh.. June 17th

Derek Baxter:
That's uh, nine months back, that's the night we beat Carling, that's perfect...woo-hoo.. that's homecoming night, I knew it!!!

Josh Whitney:
Knew what Mr. Baxter?

Derek Baxter:
Don't call me that..(blushes)...Call me Dad!!

Josh Whitney:
Doesn't it make you feel sad inside?

Sam Whitney:
Genetically altered inside. I'm all metal and wires. It's cold. I don't feel things the way you do.

Curtis:
Did Josh really kill a guy?

Sam Whitney:
Dad is trying to cover for him, but I saw him. He beat him over the head with a pool stick he was so mad.

Leon:
What was he so mad about?

Sam Whitney:
The guy called him a homo.

Josh Whitney:
Sam you're a genius!

Sam Whitney:
Yeah well it's not my fault. They made me that way.

Sam Whitney:
You're not my brother anymore!

Josh Whitney:
What?

Sam Whitney:
I just decided it, the same way Dad isn't Mom's Husband anymore

Josh Whitney:
You must be dumber than Dad's stepsons, you can't divorce me

Sam Whitney:
uh-huh, he can take you away like he took the lawn mower and the barbeque

Josh Whitney:
Doesn't matter, i'd still be your brother wherever I was , evwn if I was a thousand million miles away!!!

Sam Whitney:
I wish you were!!!

Josh Whitney:
Dad can I be excused?

Thom:
For God's sake, Josh, clean your plate!

Josh Whitney:
Is that clean enough?

Thom:
Go to your room.

Josh Whitney:
You're *in* my damn room!

Josh Whitney:
I just saw Jean Pierre on 60 Minutes confessing everything. He was in the shadows but I could tell by those big lips of his.

Derek Baxter:
This is that kid, isn't it? This is that damn kid, isn't it?!

Sam Whitney:
It worked, Josh, my aim is activated!

Derek Baxter:
You little sh*t!

Sam Whitney:
Last night, Dad left his safe open and there was a file inside.

Josh Whitney:
So?

Sam Whitney:
It was about you.

Josh Whitney:
I made it all up.

Alison:
Even the Liberty Maid?

Josh Whitney:
Yes, I got your hair and red hat off a juice box.

Alison:
Lord almighty, I've met my maker.

Sam Whitney:
OW!

Josh Whitney:
Oh God, Sam, you're activated.

Josh Whitney:
Yeah, he's out in the field going to the bathroom. Yeah, he's out there in the field with diarrhea.

Josh Whitney:
Diarrhea.

Josh Whitney:
You know, Sam, I didn't want to mention this with Mom around but I know a place where all kids who have to repeat a grade get together. It's way beyond the Bluffs, high above the Pacific Coast highway.

Sam Whitney:
What do they do there?

Josh Whitney:
Jump off.

Josh Whitney:
Dad is sending you off to fight a war just to he can send the buttholes to football camp.